Emotionally Compromised
by MornMeril
Summary: SLASH Jim/Spock Jim knew that he had never wanted anyone the way he wanted Spock. There were too many feelings he had never felt before. What Jim wasn't quite ready to admit, was that it was more than mere desire that was driving him insane.
1. Chapter 1

**Emotionally Compromised**

Pairing: Jim/Spock

Rating: PG-13 (for now)

Warnings: it's SLASH that means m/m love, don't like don't read

Disclaimer: i own nothing, and there is no copyright infringement intended. i also don't earn any kind of money by writing this.

**A/N.:** hello everyone! this is my very first attempt at writing a Star Trek fic, so we'll see how it will turn out. i'm new to the fandom and have only recently been converted to a Trekkie :). i absolutely loved the movie, and although i have seen some episodes of the original series, my knowledge is rather limited. i am doing my best though and am (hopefully) improving.

before i leave you in peace, there are some **important facts about this story**:

**1) **i do like Uhura, so there will be no kind of bashing in this story. i cannot yet say how much she will feature, but i'm sure it won't be a lot.

**2)** there was never anyting between Spock and Uhura, although they are friends. i hope you are not thinking that i'm taking the easy way out here, but as a Jim/Spock shipper i thought it is the best and most painless solution. also i see no reason why i should start some lame explenations in the story itself that they have both realised that they feel like siblings/best friends about each other when i can very easily do that at the very beginning and already build the story on the fact that they are, and never were, anything more than friends.

**3)** i do know that the plot-bunny/idea of the mind meld having held more than what it actually did, and that Spock Prime actually is the catalyst for any kind of feelings developing between Jim and Spock, has almost been written to death already. what can i say? i'm still very fond of the idea and think that my approch, (hopefully), is a different one. ;)

**4)** i don't know why, but i really feel the need to state this here at the beginning as well: this story is intended to be based entirely on emotions and relationships. i want to write about how it could actually happen if Jim and Spock were to develop feelings. the process will be rather slow, but they will get there in the end, don't worry ;). i feel there was the need of writing a longer story where Spock's reactions aren't rushed in any way and there will be time for a slow build in which he can adjust and also confront his fear of showing emotion etc. - sorry if this was random or boring. it's 1AM in the morning where i am now an i think my brain has suffered a little - haha!

**5)** last one, i promise! as to the rating: it will most likely go up, but when it does, you'll receive a warning beforehand.

please, please, PLEASE review! i absolutely live on reviews! i am happy about any kind of comment, including constructive critisism of course. feel free to make suggestions and ask as many questions as you want - i'll respond of course.

* * *

**Chapter 1**

James T. Kirk was lying on his bed, his back stiff and his eyes, wide awake despite the late hour, glued to the ceiling. His thoughts felt like a lightning storm, whirling around inside his head and his memories hunting to keep up with them, his mind replaying them over and over and over.

Jim sighed in exasperation and sat up abruptly, making himself dizzy. Groaning quietly, he cradled his face in his hands. Why couldn't he forget? Why was he so completely unable to let things rest?

_Because you are curious, that's why._

Curious. Jim snorted involuntarily. He really was a jerk.

Getting up, Jim staggered over to the table at the far end of the room. Grabbing the carafe of water, he filled a glass, his hands shaking from sleep deprivation. Gulping down the contents of the glass, Jim willed the cool water to clear his head.

Maybe he should talk to Bones after all. He could give him something, anything, to help him sleep even for a few hours. But no. Bones would immediately order a full-body check and, while waving his tricorder, pester him into telling him everything. Which was, of course, out of the question. McCoy was definitely one of the last people he could imagine himself talking to about Spock.

Or rather, Spocks.

Sighing in defeat, Jim walked back to his bed and sank down on it once more.

_Damn them both!_, he thought angrily, _Without _him_, the older Spock, none of this would be happening!_

For the hundredth time Jim's thoughts catapulted him back to where it all started: Delta Vega.

/-/

"_I can't believe this.", Jim breathed, his hot breath leaving his mouth in a white cloud._

_The air was so cold he thought his blood would freeze in his veins any second. _

_Letting his gaze wander over the flat, frozen ground once again, he still couldn't grasp the fact that he really was on Delta Vega, when just moments before he had been safe and warm. On the Enterprise._

_Damn it all to hell! Damn Spock to hell! Captain or not, the pointy eared bastard had no right to desert him on some godforsaken shithole of a planet. Some cold strange shithole at that! Jim had no idea how to get himself out of this one…_

_Sighing, and regretting it the minute he parted his lips as icy air filled his lungs, Jim pulled his hood up, fastening it in place and started walking. Having no idea what direction was north, orientation proved pretty difficult._

…_and also rather unimportant when a sudden inhuman roar ripped through the silence. Whirling around in alarm, Jim sighted the cause of the noise immediately._

_The beast was ugly, hairy and _fast.

_Not hesitating one more second, Jim turned around and sprinted in the opposite direction. He could hear the monster lurching after him as he ran, its rapid, grumbling breath much too close for comfort._

_Suddenly his foot caught in a rift in the icy ground and Jim could do nothing but fall face first into the snow. Immediately turning on his back, he was just in time to see a second, even bigger, beast appear. It was red and had some strange, distant resemblance to an ant. _

_Throwing the now lifeless form of the first monster aside, the ant-creature turned its attention on him._

_Not wasting any time, Jim scrambled to his feet and sprinted on, once again being closely followed._

_There wasn't much that he could remember after that. It was all a blur of running, being scared to death and hopelessly out of breath. The burning in his lungs overshadowed most of the other sensations until..._

_Until red flames cut through the monotony of the ever white, sending the beast back to where it came from, its high pitched roars growing more quiet the further it ran._

_Jim was on the floor, panting and unable to move. His rescuer, dressed in a heavy fur coat, turned to face him for the first time._

_If Jim had expected something, this sure as hell wasn't it. Not only was the face he was looking at clearly Vulcan, but what shocked Jim the most was the expression it held. As far as Jim knew, Vulcans were supposed to be stony faced creatures, always in control of themselves and holding a strong dislike for any form of physical contact._

_However, when Jim looked into the deep black eyes of this particular Vulcan, he found them to hold some kind of intense gentleness. As well as relief. It all seemed very disconcerting to him._

_Before having even the slightest chance of sorting his emotions, the Vulcan spoke._

"_James T. Kirk.", he said quietly._

_Although his voice was neutral, there was something in his undertone that was anything but. If it were a human uttering the same words, he would have labeled it affection._

_His head still spinning, Jim desperately sought for something to say._

"_Excuse me?"_

_Wincing inwardly, Jim cursed himself silently. He didn't know if his question referred to the other actually knowing his name, or to his strange un-Vulcanlike behaviour._

"_How did you find me?", the Vulcan asked, still holding the torch at his side._

_His posture was straight, back stiff as a board. Jim clung to this one familiar trait as he scrambled to his feet, groaning quietly._

"_H-How do you know my name?"_

_Confusion coloured every syllable and Jim's head was still buzzing with everything that had happened._

_He watched in fascination as, yet again, some emotions seemed to filter through the Vulcan's gaze, before he composed himself._

"_I have been, and always shall be, your friend.", he said softly._

_Jim stared at him._

"_Wh-", breaking off mid-word, Jim couldn't help but let out an awkward, disbelieving laugh, "Ah look, I-I don't know you."_

_Only he of all people could have the luck to be stuck in a cave on a deserted planet (deserted, at least, when it came to life that was not something slobbering or ant-like) with a lunatic Vulcan._

_He was so absorbed in his own confused thoughts, that he nearly didn't hear the next words spoken to him._

"_I am Spock.", the Vulcan said, sounding anything but lunatic._

_Jim was sure he was gaping. Quickly rewinding the three words he had just heard, Jim replayed them in his mind, checking if he had actually, _possibly _heard right._

_The words remained the same, still hovering between them. This was not, could not, be real._

"_Bullshit.", although quite ineloquent, the statement was purely heartfelt._

_By the time they had gathered in front of a newly lit fire, Jim's head had at least stopped spinning. Which of course didn't mean that he was any less confused, but at least he was trying to comprehend._

_Crouching in front of the fire, Jim tried to warm his numb hands, intent on avoiding looking at the Vulcan that, just moments before, had claimed to be Spock._

_The other didn't seem to have a similar desire for quietness, as he was the first to break the silence._

"_It is remarkably pleasing to see you again, old friend, especially after the events of today."_

_Jim straightened, more out of nervousness than desire to stand, and turned to unwillingly look at him._

"_Er, sir", Jim distantly wondered if that was even the appropriate way of addressing the other, "I-I appreciate what you did for me today, but if-if you were Spock you'd know we're not friends", Jim paused for good measure, "at all. You hate me, you marooned me- for mutiny!"_

_The Vulcan's face was only partly lit by the fire, so Jim couldn't be sure if he'd just imagined the emotions this time._

"_Mutiny?"_

_Again the other's voice, although neutral, held a distinct undertone that seemed to project his actual feelings. This time it was confusion._

"_Yes.", said Jim, feeling the need to confirm._

_The other looked up at him solemnly. _

"_You're not the captain?"_

"_Eh- no, no, ahm, you're", Jim shook his head and pointed a finger at 'Spock', "the captain. Pike was taken hostage" _

_Running a hand through his hair, Jim took a few steps around the fire, feeling the need to move as he always did when he was agitated. Once again the other's words took him completely by surprise._

"_By Nero?"_

_Turning his gaze back to Spock, Jim regarded him carefully._

"_What do you know about him?"_

_Nodding slightly as if he was confirming something in his own thoughts, Spock answered him in an even voice._

"_He is a particularly troubled Romulan." _

_This time, Jim was sure he could see something resembling a frown touching the Vulcan's forehead._

"_Please, allow me.", Spock uttered then, getting up from his place in front of the fire and approaching Jim swiftly, "It will be easier."_

_Only a second later, an aged, slender hand hovered in front of Jim's face moving closer as if to touch him._

_Instinctively, he leaned back, almost afraid of being touched by the other._

"_Whoa, whoa,- what're you doing?", he exclaimed, slightly alarmed._

_The strange, warm light from earlier was back in Spock's eyes, even more so than before._

"_Our minds, one and together.", the Vulcan said softly._

_Later, Jim didn't know what exactly made him keep still when Spock touched him so intimately for the first time. Maybe it was the deep warmth in his eyes, or maybe because his body language seemed so utterly open and trusting. What he did know, was that his touch would be haunting him from this very moment on._

_Placing his fingers in some strange pattern on his cheek and forehead, Spock looked deeply into his eyes. And at this very instant, before they even connected, Jim was suddenly sure that this was, indeed, Spock. These eyes were simply unmistakable. Deep, black-_

_Jim's thoughts were suddenly cut short when Spock's face vanished and he was catapulted into space. Literally. There were stars all around him and so many emotions that were not his own. Too many to fully comprehend. _

"129 years from now, a star will explode and threaten to destroy the galaxy..."_, a smooth, deep voice suddenly resounded in his head._

_Jim was almost relieved, clinging to Spock's voice as it carried on telling his tale. It was the only thing that kept him from losing himself in all the emotions he was swimming in. They were all so foreign, but somehow still familiar, and so much deeper than anything he had ever felt before._

"That is where I'm from, Jim."_, hearing his name was a surprise and the tone in which it was said sent an involuntary shiver down his spine, _"The future. A star went supernova consuming everything in its path. I promised the Romulans that I would save their planet. We outfitted our fastest ship. Using red matter I would create a black hole which would absorb the exploding star. I was on route, when the unthinkable happened: The supernova destroyed Romulus."

_Jim could feel the deep sense of failure Spock had felt at the time. His utter despair at having been unable to keep his promise, the compassion for all the lives that had been wiped out._

"I had little time. I had to extract the red matter and shoot it into the supernova. As I began my return trip I was intercepted. He called himself 'Nero'. In my attempt to escape, both of us were pulled into the black hole."

_Although the images he was seeing all matched the emotions, there was something underlying them. Something that was just below the surface of what he was seeing. Jim knew it. He could sense it as clearly as all the other things Spock had shown him._

_A feeling of horror, not his own, crept up inside him as he watched the black hole approaching. He was desperate, trying to make his ship turn around, but it would not yield, and kept being pulled into the opposite direction and ever closer to the darkness. _

_But he could not let this happen! He could not die, Jim needed him! He had promised to come back to him! He could not-_

"As Nero went through first,"_, Spock's voice suddenly cut through the overwhelming panic and Jim, once again, clung to it as tightly as he could, "_he was the first to arrive. Nero spent the next 25 years awaiting my arrival. But what was years for Nero- was only seconds for me. I went through the black hole; Nero, was waiting for me. He held me responsible for the loss of his world. He captured my vessel and spared my life for one reason: so that I would know his pain."

_Nero's dark eyes bored into Jim, making him cringe as all the hatred in his gaze hit him._

"He beamed me here, so that I could observe his vengeance."

_Each one of Jim's muscles tightened with dread. The emotions were getting stronger, he felt as if he was drowning in them._

"As he was helpless to save his planet, I would be helpless to save mine. Billions of lives- lost, because of me, Jim."

_The pain that sliced through him was so raw, so unforgiving, that Jim knew it would have brought him to his knees, would he have been in command of his body._

_Vulcan was lost, swallowed by a dark hole. There was nothing left. Nothing. It was as if it had never existed in the first place. As if all his years there, all the people he had known, had just vanished._

_The cold on Delta Vega was biting though his clothes, the snow whipping his face as he stood, watching the blank part of the sky where just moments before had been his home planet._

_He had never felt so alone in his life._

_And Jim was so far...so far away from him. He had no hope of ever seeing him again...no hope..._

"Because I failed."

_And then it was all gone. The whole connection cut off so abruptly, that Jim staggered and almost fell._

_His breathing was heavy, resembling hyperventilation. His knees weak and his pulse racing, Jim turned away stumbling a few steps in the opposite direction as if physical space could undo the closeness that he had just experienced with Spock. _

"_Forgive me. Emotional transfers can be the effect of a mind meld."_

_Although the voice helped to ground him somewhat, Jim was far from composed._

_His heart felt as if it had been ripped to pieces and he could feel his eyes stinging suspiciously. The grief and loss he had felt moments ago still too fresh in his mind to be pushed aside._

_And then there was this flood of _love. _A kind of love he had never felt before, never even knew existed. The kind of love where you cared so much about someone that being without them made you feel as if you had lost the air to breathe..._

"_So you do feel.", Jim blurted out, the words stumbling clumsily from his mouth._

_What else could he say? How could someone even attempt to put anything they had just experienced into words?_

"_Yes.", Spock's voice was quiet, sounding from somewhere behind him._

_The Vulcan was keeping his distance, obviously aware that Jim needed the space._

_Trying desperately to go back from _feeling_ to _thinking_, Jim attempted a logical conclusion._

"_Going back in time you changed all our lives.", the statement was somewhere between a question and a statement._

_Whatever it was, Spock didn't reply to it._

"_Jim, we must go. There is a Starfleet outpost not far from here."_

_Hearing his name again, this time spoken out loud, was like a slap in the face._

_Jim. Never had anyone said it like Spock had. It was so heavily coated with...yeah with what exactly? Love? Devotion? Caring?_

_How could that even be possible? Did that mean that where this Spock came from he and his other self..._

"_Wait. Where you came from..."_

_Jim echoed his thoughts unthinkingly and suddenly stopped himself. Was this really the time and place to question the other Spock about this? How was he even going to ask such a personal question? _

"_Did I know my father?", Jim said finally, taking the easy, and safe, way out._

_He needed time to think and there was too much that had to be done._

"_Yes.", it was almost absurd, but somehow Jim knew that Spock was aware that this was not the question he had been about to ask, "You often spoke of him as being your inspiration for joining Starfleet. He proudly lived to see you become Captain of the Enterprise."_

"_Captain.", Jim echoed dully, not knowing what else to say._

_But Spock had already turned around, leading the way out of the cave._

"_A ship we must return you to as soon as possible."_

_-/-_

"_You're coming with us, right?", Jim asked, hope thick in his voice._

_A shadow fell over Spock's expression._

"_No, Jim, that is not my destiny."_

"_Your dest-"_

_He needed a moment to comprehend the Vulcan's words._

"_he-", Jim tried again, failing once more, before finally getting a grip, "the other Spock is not gonna believe me. You have to explain to him what happened."_

_The reply was so immediate, it could almost be described as an interruption. Spock's gaze on him was intense. The familiarity between them growing by the minute._

_Jim still had some problems accepting that._

"_Under no circumstances can he be made aware of my existence. You must promise me this."_

_Staring at the Vulcan, Jim's eyes widened in realisation._

"_You're telling me I-I can't tell you that I'm following your own orders? Why not? What happens?"_

_This sounded bizarre, even to his own ears._

"_Jim", Spock's eyes bored into him, hot and intense and along with his name being uttered in the Vulcan's special manner once more it made him shiver, "this is one rule you cannot break. To stop Nero, you alone must take command of your ship."_

"_How? Over your dead body?", Jim joked lamely, too overwhelmed with intensity._

_Jokes had always been a way for him to cover up his emotions. This time it left him strangely unsatisfied._

_The look Spock gave him made him believe, once again, that the other knew exactly what was going on inside him._

"_Preferably not.", he stated mildly, as if he knew how to handle Jim in any situation, "However, there is Starfleet regulation 619. 619 states that any command officer, who is emotionally compromised by the mission at hand, must resign said command."_

_He didn't really just say what Jim thought he'd said...?_

"_So you-you're saying I have to emotionally compromise you... guys."_

_Spock's expression was even more open now. Jim found it hard to believe that this creature was supposed to have even the slightest thing in common with the Spock he knew._

_Could the Spock from his world ever look like this? Be this open...with him?_

"_Jim, I just lost my planet.", the words brought him back to the Spock that was currently with him, "I can tell you, I am emotionally compromised. What you must do is get me to show it."_

_/-/_

And Jim had. He had managed to get Spock to show emotion. Anger, heartbreak, defeat, self-loathing... But that was not what he wanted from Spock now, was it?

The biggest problem, Jim mused, was probably that he didn't exactly know what he wanted from his First Officer.

He knew what he felt when he saw Spock, even the mere thought of him was enough to make his heart race and his breath quicken. He wanted him. That was basic enough, as far as Jim was concerned.

In the past, whenever he had felt the need for sex, the solution at hand was to screw the person involved and be done with it.

This was definitely not the solution here.

Jim knew that he had never wanted anyone the way he wanted Spock. He couldn't even explain it in his own head, because there were too many feelings he had never felt before. What Jim wasn't quite ready to admit, was that it was more than mere desire that was driving him insane.

In other words, he was scared shitless.

He had no idea how to cope with this even a day longer. He needed to either get over it, which seemed utterly impossible, or get some advice on the situation.

Lately, Jim had felt this deep craving for conversation. Not with anyone, of course, but with the older Spock. He knew that the Vulcan would understand, could most likely even help him.

Tired of pretending to be sleeping, Jim finally got out of bed. There was just no point. Glancing over at the digital clock on his bedside table, he saw that he would be on duty in three hours anyway. What difference did three hours in a whole sleepless night make?

Stretching his aching muscles, Jim suppressed a yawn as he dragged himself over to his wardrobe. Determined to face the day, Jim fought his way into his clothes before splashing some icy cold water in his face in an attempt to replace the hours of sleep he had lost.

Straightening up, he wiped his face with a towel, pointedly ignoring the mirror over the sink. Taking a deep breath, he steeled himself before finally heading out of the room.

When the door closed behind the Captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise, all that was left behind of his tormented thoughts and memories was a disheveled bed and a half empty carafe of water.

* * *

_the whole actual spoken dialogue between Spock Prime and Jim is taken directly from the movie script, or rather, i sat for a few hours and wrote down every dialogue between the two (or three if you count Spock and Spock Prime as 2 :D). i pestered my boyfriend into listening to every scene again with me and we edited it all together, so i think there shouldn't be any mistakes or mis-hearings._


	2. Chapter 2

**Emotionally Compromised**

Pairing: Jim/Spock

Rating: PG-13 (for now)

Warnings: it's SLASH that means m/m love, don't like don't read

Disclaimer: i own nothing, and there is no copyright infringement intended. i also don't earn any kind of money by writing this.

**A/N.: **hey guys! i'm really sorry, this chapter took longer to write than i would have thought. it's a bit short as well, but i promise the next one will be longer again. the main reason why it took me so long was that i was scared i wouldn't manage to make it good. i'm still so new to this fandom that it just took me sometime to get used to the new characters etc. one of the biggest challenges, and also one of the main reasons why i love writing this pairing so much, is the contrast between Jim's casual and Spock's precise speech. i had a lot of fun writing this one and feel much better now. so as i said, the next update should be sooner.

**!)** so, some of you were wondering if **the older Jim is even still alive**. i'm sorry i didn't mention that in my author's note of the last chapter - i must admit i simply forgot. so, yes older Jim is alive. it may seem a bit strange to some ppl, but as this is fiction i hope it's not too bad that i'm bending the rules a bit ;). also, as this is Star Trek, i think we can assume that medical technology is advanced enough to make him live a bit longer. furthermore, there is another little reason why he is still alive, but you'll just have to wait a little while longer to find out what it is.

**anyway, a biiig THANK YOU to everyone who reviewed! i really, really hope i won't dissapoint you! **

**as to questions:**

_**NatalieJ: **thanks for pointing out my punctuation. to my shame i must admit though, that i'm a sucker for following those particular rules and just stamped it off as an artistic feature of my stories that i use strange punctuation rules in direct speech. so sorry if it bothers you! i know it's a bit silly...;)_

_**heliumballoons:** i found the movie online and wrote the lines out myself. concerning older Jim, i did rectify that mistake by explaining at the beginning of the A/N! :)_

_**:** lol, i'm glad i'm not alone! that movie made me completely crazy about those two! but, hell, who can resist - they are SO sexy!_

_**damsel-in-stress:** well, i'm flattered you're reading my story even though you usually don't like slash! i know exactly, though, what you mean by saying they are irresistable! ;)_

_**StayLikeThat4Now:** i was so flattered by you thinking it didn't sound like my first Star Trek fic! thank you! as to the plot, i really hope it evolves as i want it to. we'll see... :)_

thnx again to everyone else who reviewed! i hope you'll review this one as well!!!

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**Chapter 2**

If Jim had any doubts whether he looked as awful as he felt, they were erased when he met his best friend on the way to the bridge.

"Good god, man, what happened to you?", Bones exclaimed the minute he saw him.

Jim made a vague gesture with his hand, not sure if he wanted it to be reassuring or dismissive.

"Just had a rough night, that's all."

The comment came out sounding nonchalant and Jim was relieved that his acting skills had not left him, even though his senses had.

Bones' eyes narrowed as he scrutinised him closely.

"Why didn't you come see me if you had problems sleeping?", he asked suspiciously, "And what are you doing here anyway? Your shift isn't for another three hours."

Jim groaned inwardly. This wasn't going well.

"I'm just a bit restless, Bones, okay?", Jim tried to keep the sharpness out of his voice, "Let it rest."

"Fine, have it your way.", the other man bit out, "But if you still look like a zombie tomorrow I will personally drag you to sickbay. Is that clear?"

"Crystal.", Jim mumbled, rolling his eyes as he pushed past him.

Hadn't his morning started out brilliantly?! Not only did he look like death warmed up, making it clear for his entire crew to see that something was bothering him, but he had the luck to run into the ship's doctor, who had threatened him with serious mother-hen actions.

Already annoyed beyond belief, Jim stormed into the turbolift, hitting the button for the bridge with much more force than necessary. He emerged and stalked over to his chair in the middle of the room, sharply dismissing the person in charge of the night crew.

The Commander saluted and retreated hastily.

Sinking down in his chair, he glared into the round at the somewhat unfamiliar faces of his night crew and they all turned away quickly, looking overly busy all of a sudden.

Having successfully intimidated everyone in sight, Jim wondered what the hell he was supposed to do now. He was still waiting for a message from Starfleet and the pile of paperwork on his desk didn't yet look high enough to be worked on. He was surrounded by people he didn't know the first thing about, hardly even recalling their names and who he had all just made believe he was a monster.

Sighing, Jim rubbed his aching head. His idea to come to the bridge early seeming stupider by the minute.

Until, that is, he heard the distinctive 'swish' of the door to the bridge opening. Turning the chair slightly, Jim glanced over only to freeze slightly on the spot. His First Officer entered the room silently, his back as straight and stiff as a board. Spock glanced around the room briefly, black eyes scanning the crew until they fixed on him.

Jim tried to get his breathing under control when his First's black, unreadable gaze bore into him.

For a moment the silence was so thick it seemed suffocating.

Jim couldn't help but notice the minimal arch of one of Spock's high swiped eyebrows and the almost non-existent tilting of his head. Both clear signs of surprise that Jim would never have realised before.

It was not, he mused distractedly, that Vulcans never showed any emotions. It was just that humans had no idea what to look for in order to read their expressions. Or maybe Spock's human half sometimes unconsciously urged him to react in more obvious ways than regular Vulcans would.

"Captain", Spock said, after what seemed like an eternity but in reality could have been no more than a few seconds.

And just like that, the moment was gone.

Jim tried to stamp out every thought that started gushing about how deep and velvety his First's voice was and concentrated on replying.

"Mr Spock", Jim croaked.

Shit. That had sounded a bit too close to how he actually felt. Hastily clearing his throat, Jim wrecked his brain as to what would be the most natural way to proceed. That fact alone scared him. When had he ever thought about what he should or shouldn't do?

Spock, thankfully, took the decision from him by calmly walking over to his usual place, dismissing the person that had held his position during the night.

Jim tried to tear his eyes away, knowing that the other's sharp Vulcan senses could feel his gaze on him. There was no logical reason to stare at him, after all. Inwardly rolling his eyes, it suddenly occurred to Jim that he hadn't even inquired if anything out of the ordinary had happened during the night.

Once again, Spock seemed to follow some silent cue that no one else could possibly pick up on.

"We have received a message from Starfleet, Captain."

"Oh?", was Jim's highly intelligent reply, he felt the need to slap himself, "I mean, what does it say?"

"It appears that the new Vulcan colony on Epsilon Omega requires technical assistance as well as medical supplies both of which the Enterprise is able to provide. The order, therefore, states that we should head straight for the Vulcan System."

Frowning, Jim got up from his chair and walked over to his First. Placing a hand at the back of Spock's chair, he leaned down slightly to scan the message himself.

It wasn't that he believed that the Vulcan had left out important details, but the order seemed strange to him, although he couldn't really say why.

"Is there something wrong, Captain?"

Out of reflex, Jim turned his head to look at Spock, only to have his breathing falter as he realised how close they actually were. His First's face was inches from his and he could feel the inhuman heat that the Vulcan was radiating.

Almost immediately Jim's mind seemed to dream up scenarios where he could explore said heat, or rather, how many parts of his body he could press to Spock's in order to experience it most efficiently.

His hand was so very close to Spock's neck, the only part of him apart from his hands and face, that he had ever seen uncovered. Only one little move and he would be able to touch the smooth, hot skin there…

The unmistakeable tingling of arousal that coursed through his body was what finally cut through his thoughts, his hungry gaze at last tearing away from the Vulcan's exposed skin.

Spock's back was even stiffer than usual, his eyes shining with something akin to confusion. His body was titled slightly away from him and Jim realised that he was probably making Spock very uncomfortable. Vulcans, after all, saw intrusions into their personal space as an insult.

Jumping back as if burned, which was actually not so far from the truth, Jim fought down the blush that was threatening to flood his cheeks.

"Sorry, Spock.", he mumbled, completely flustered.

He really needed to do something about this, or it would be him that would have to resign on account of regulation 619.

"Ensign Carter, change course and head straight for the Vulcan System. Maximum warp.", Jim barked at the poor guy that was on duty in Sulu's stead, "Commander Spock, the bridge is yours."

Not daring to even look at Spock after what had just happened, Jim fled the room. Somehow the paperwork had suddenly become much more appealing than half an hour ago.

Resigning himself to his fate, Jim spent the next hour trying to concentrate on the reports in front of him. It still mystified Jim how much paperwork was related to being a captain.

Of course his mind tried to wander elsewhere every two seconds, making the whole ordeal all the more unpleasant.

A sudden buzz at his door made Jim jump, his hand giving an involuntary jerk and resulting in drawing a black line over almost the entire page. Cursing, he threw the pen down forcefully, blaming it as much as the person at his door.

"Yeah", he called out irritated, positive that it would be Bones on the other side of the door.

Not only was he the only one who ever visited him in his quarters, but also he expected that the doctor couldn't contain his curiosity any longer and had come to pester him.

It was, therefore, even more of a shock when instead of Bones, it was Spock who entered. The Vulcan's back was even more rigid than usual, if that was even possible, his hands clasped tightly behind his back. His expression was tight and when Jim looked more carefully, there were definite signs of tension in both Spock's face and body.

_He is uncomfortable._

"Do I have your permission to enter, Captain?", his First asked stiffly.

Jim frowned, completely puzzled, and made a show of stacking the reports carefully in order to avoid Spock's gaze.

"Sure, Spock, come in.", he said, trying to sound casual as he finally leaned back in his chair, "What's up?"

Taking an almost hesitant step into Jim's direction, Spock's hands emerged form behind his back and he tried not to stare at them.

"It has come to my attention that you seem to", Spock seemed to search for words shortly before continuing, "avoid direct interaction with me, Captain. I, therefore, thought it might be advisable to approach the subject, seeing as your performance is not up to its usual standard."

Of course this would be Spock's motivation to attempt a personal conversation. Jim tried not to feel the painful stab at his First's formal words. But honestly, what had he expected? Last time Jim had checked, they were barely on speaking terms, let alone anything else.

"It's 'Jim', Spock,", he said softly, "I don't feel like discussing anything private with someone calling me 'Captain'."

To his surprise, Spock gave a short, quick nod in acknowledgement. Jim had expected for him to at least give minor protest.

Feeling the need to move, Jim stood and rounded the table. He was careful, however, to keep his distance from his First.

Briefly rubbing over his eyes, Jim steeled himself and faced the Vulcan. He had no idea what he was supposed to say, but he knew that he needed to say _something_.

"I'm having some trouble sleeping.", is what came out of his mouth in the end.

Jim almost frowned at his own words. What the hell?

"I mean", he continued hastily, thinking that if he spoke quick enough, Spock would maybe forget what he had said before, "I've just had a lot on my mind lately. It's been a bit…much."

He wasn't sure if this had been any better than his first attempt. Jim felt like punching a wall in frustration. He couldn't remember being in a more awkward position. Ever. Where had his verbal skills fled to?

"I understand.", Spock's voice was a bit quieter than usual and his whole stance seemed to relax the slightest fraction.

Jim blinked.

"You do?", he asked dumbly.

Spock's head did the slight-tilting-to-the-side-thing.

"I believe,…Jim", Jim almost choked on his own breath as the Vulcan accepted his offer to use his first name, the shudder that ran down his spine making the little shiver he had felt when the older Spock had said it pale in comparison, "that the last few weeks have proven to be 'a bit much' for an extensive amount of people."

Oh. _Oh._ Fuck.

"Shit, Spock", Jim breathed out, hands flailing helplessly, "That's not-I mean…you know? I mean that…I didn't mean it like that. I'm sure what…you and your people have been through can never be compared to my... little crisis."

His hands finally stopped moving, falling to his sides as if he had been a puppet held up by strings alone.

"There is no need for an apology.", Spock stated, his eyes never leaving Jim, "I am aware of the fact that you had no intention of insulting either myself or my people. Furthermore, it would be impossible to compare the different fates people have suffered at Nero's hand. I am not ignorant to the difficulties you have encountered throughout the whole ordeal."

_You aren't?_

This time, Jim managed to suppress the utterly stupid reply that formed on his tongue. Clearing his throat, he tried to buy time in order to collect his thoughts.

"This whole avoiding thing", Jim said slowly, forming the words as he went along, "I didn't do that because I don't like you."

Okay, so not thinking about what to say _before_ it came out of his mouth was definitely the wrong way to handle things.

"Indeed?", the Vulcan questioned, one of his eyebrows rising slightly as his hands vanished behind his back once more.

If Jim didn't know better, he would have thought that Spock enjoyed seeing him squirm. Was that a hint of amusement he could detect in the other's black eyes?

"Look,", Jim tried again, desperate by now, "I didn't mean to crowd you before."

"Again, an apology is not necessary.", Spock said silkily.

Why couldn't Jim have the same skill? How the hell did the Vulcan manage to always be so dammed smooth?

"I understand that it must be difficult to remember that Vulcans do not welcome physical attention as humans do.", Spock continued.

_But aren't you half-human?_

Jim shook his head to clear it. This was sure as hell not the time to think about whether Spock would enjoy some type of 'physical attention' as he so nicely put it.

Scrambling for something to say, that would not invite his over-creative brain to fantasise any more than it already had, Jim ran a hand through his hair.

"Maybe we should just get to know each other better"

Oh. My. God. He had not just said that!

Apparently, though, he had, because Spock's eyes held that certain look that he always got when he was mulling over someone else's words.

"Seeing as we are expected to work together quite closely", the Vulcan said, sounding as if he had come to a satisfactory conclusion, "the offer seems to be quite logical, Jim."


	3. Chapter 3

**Emotionally Compromised**

Pairing: Jim/Spock

Rating: PG-13 (for now)

Warnings: it's SLASH that means m/m love, don't like don't read

Disclaimer: i own nothing, and there is no copyright infringement intended. i also don't earn any kind of money by writing this.

**A/N.:** hello everyone! i'm glad i managed to post tonight! as promised the chapter is longer and i really hope you'll enjoy it! for everyone who thinks there is little Spock/Jim action in here: i promise that will change soon! i'll try and update as soon as i can!

oh, and also:** Spock Prime won't rule this story**, if that's what you you're afraid of. he will only appear in the next chapter and that was it - only young Spock from then ;).

**BIG THANK YOU** to everyone who reviewed - pls keep it up! i'm so glad you like my story :).

_**NatalieJ:** thank you for reviewing again. 1) concerning punctuation: the only thing that i'm aware of doing wrong is sometimes setting two punctuation marks after the other, like: "Blah.",... because writing the comma outside the quotation marks is the usual rule in BE. 2) your answer as to Jim being alive is in this chapter, although even without my extra solution it would not be THAT strange for him to become over 100 years old. McCoy, after all, reached at least 137. _'On stardate 41153.7, the 137-year old Admiral Leonard McCoy...' _(quoted directly from Memory Alpha), so a high life-expectancy in the 24th century is not that far off the mark. 3) i don't take the happenings of anything but the 2009 movie into account in my story, as my knowledge is far too limited when it comes to the TOS (both the series and the movies) and this IS mostly about an alternate reality. i'm glad you think everyone's in character, though. _

_**Adoete:** i sent you the link in a PM!_

* * *

**Chapter 3**

It took Jim some time to compose himself after his First had left his quarters. When he finally got back to the bridge, all of his crew members were already at their stations and he took his own place for the second time today.

Although still feeling utterly exhausted, Jim could at least look Spock in the eye without losing it.

The whole atmosphere, Jim noted, was much more relaxed now. Or maybe that was just him being more relaxed. This didn't mean, however, that he had completely grasped the fact that Spock had agreed to them getting to know each other better.

Jim shook his head. Somehow he had the feeling that the task wouldn't be quite as easy as it seemed.

"Mr Chekov", he said, "When do you think we'll arrive at Epsilon Omega?"

Chekov let his fingers dance over the screens in front of him swiftly, before answering.

"If ve keep up ze current varp speed, approximately four hourz, Captain.", the Ensign declared with his heavy accent.

Jim nodded his thanks, only to sink back into his own thoughts.

He didn't know how he felt about seeing the older Spock again. It was true that he needed to talk to him, but on the other hand… How could he go about a subject like this?

As Jim absentmindedly let his gaze wander over the crew, he suddenly stopped when his eyes fell on Spock.

Holy shit, what if the two of them met? After risking his life to save the world he had absolutely no desire to find himself responsible for messing up space-time and ruining everything.

But the old Spock had to be aware that the Enterprise was coming, so he'd know to stay clear of his younger self, right? Right.

Somehow this little conversation with himself didn't offer as much reassurance as Jim had wished and he tried to steer his thoughts into another direction. He had another four hours to decide how he would deal with the older Spock.

-/-

Epsilon Omega was a small planet with a lot of desert and little water. It was not quite as hot as Vulcan, but close enough. Jim thought it was almost like a mirror image of Delta Vega.

He and his crew were greeted by the Vulcan Elders, some of whom Jim had already encountered after the destruction of their homeworld. Spock's father, Sarek, was among them, but as Jim scanned each of the stoic faces he saw that the older Spock was absent.

Jim should have been relieved, but somehow he couldn't quite suppress the disappointment he felt.

Thankfully, Spock took over most of the formalities and Jim was left to order his crew to unload the requested supplies. It was quite an uncomfortable ordeal, seeing as they were all sweating under the unusually hot sun of the planet.

Fortunately, the Vulcans lent a hand as well, speeding the process up significantly.

He was in the middle of giving Bones a hand lifting a rather heavy box of vaccines, when Spock suddenly materialized somewhere to his right.

Jim, who had had all his attention fixed on the box, nearly let go of it in surprise. Bones cursed quite vocally as he tried to re-balance their burden in order to keep it from crashing down on their toes.

"My father requests your presence, Captain.", Spock said neutrally, ignoring the fierce glare that Bones sent him.

Jim blinked.

"Of course", he said, sounding unsure despite his statement, "I'll come down right after finishing this."

"Too right you will, I sure as hell won't carry this shit on my own!", Bones bit out.

Jim almost didn't hear him though as the heat suddenly intensified. Spock had stepped up beside him, so close that there were only inches between them.

He tried to keep breathing.

"Your presence is required immediately.", the Vulcan said, "May I offer assistance?"

Not waiting for Jim's reply, Spock reached for the box, which suddenly seemed to weigh much less than before.

Jumping back hastily in order to avoid an incident similar to the one this morning, Jim let Spock take over for him.

"Thanks.", he offered awkwardly.

Spock glanced at him briefly, his look unreadable.

"You are welcome."

-/-

When Jim greeted Sarek, he felt utterly awkward. Doing his best not to squirm under the Vulcan's stern gaze, Jim focused on what the Ambassador was saying.

"A member of our Vulcan Elders wishes to speak with you.", Sarek said stiffly.

Jim couldn't even look him in the eye. He was quite sure that the Vulcan wouldn't be all too pleased if he knew that he had been in an emotional dilemma for the past few months because he wanted to nail his son.

"Thank you, Ambassador.", Jim mumbled, hoping he sounded polite enough.

If Sarek thought him lacking respect, he didn't comment on it.

"Please follow me."

Jim just nodded, relieved that he could now only see Sarek's back as he led him into a massive building, close to where the shuttles had been docked.

He couldn't remember a lot of what the building actually looked like, having been much too focused on frantically pushing thoughts about Spock out of his head. Although he wouldn't describe it as hysteria _exactly_, it was definitely something very close to it. Weren't Vulcans supposed to be telepathic? What if Sarek picked up on something?

When they finally arrived, it was therefore quite a shock when he was greeted with a familiar voice.

"Jim", the older Spock said, his eyes warm with affection.

"Uhm...hi", Jim said lamely.

"Thank you, Ambassador.", the older Spock said, shifting his gaze over to Sarek.

It was probably quite strange if you had to address you father with a title, especially if he was younger than you!

Seeing that he was dismissed, Sarek only nodded to them both before leaving silently.

"How have you been, old friend?", Spock asked in his special voice that he seemed to reserve only for him.

Jim fought for composure and shrugged to buy himself time.

"Good.", he said casually, "You know, same old, same old."

Spock looked at him intently for a moment, then made an elegant gesture in the direction of two armchairs close to a massive window.

"Please, let us sit."

Wordlessly, Jim followed him to the armchairs and they took their seats opposite each other.

"So how have things been here? How's the colony doing?", Jim inquired carefully.

"The colony is doing exceptionally well.", Spock said, his eyes never leaving Jim's, "However, there is another reason why I informed Starfleet that we needed supplies from the Enterprise."

Just when he thought he had actually started to relax, Jim tensed again, confused.

"What do you mean?"

There was a slight pause before the Vulcan answered him.

"I wished to say goodbye to you, Jim."

"Goodbye?", Jim repeated as his eyes widened, "You-You're not...sick...are you?"

A corner of Spock's mouth moved the slightest bit upwards.

"No, Jim", he said somewhat gently, "Sickness is not the cause for your visit."

Jim shifted slightly in his seat, frowning. He was about to ask more, but before he even opened his mouth the other continued.

"My time here is coming to an end, Jim. I have done all that was in my power to help my race, but now I am no longer needed.", Spock paused briefly, "I have sought a way to return to my own time from the moment I arrived in yours."

Jim simply stared at him, not knowing what to say. It hadn't occurred to him even once that the older Spock wanted to return to his own time.

But then again, it did make sense now as he thought about it. In this other reality, Spock and his alternate self were…together, so it would be only logical that he wanted to return home.

Shifting in his chair, he leaned forward slightly, as if being closer to the other would make it easier for him to understand it all.

"So you've managed to find a way back?", he asked then.

"Essentially, yes. With the help of the remaining Vulcans from the Science Academy I managed to work through the calculations I had already made. We were able to solve the required equations that led us to an approximation. It took many long nights, but fear was driving me on. I am unsure as to how my Jim is faring. It is mostly our bond that keeps him well and alive. It is possible that it has been stretched beyond its capacity."

_What?_

Jim rubbed his eyes, trying to ease the increasing ache in his head, while extending a hand and waving it in mid air for a second, as if by this he could slow down the insistent flow of information.

"Whoa, woah, slow down there for a minute.", raising his eyes to lock gazes with Spock again, he felt his forehead folding into another frown, "Are you telling me that my alternate self has an increased life-expectancy because he shares some kind of…bond with you? Is that some Vulcan thing?"

Spock looked distantly amused.

"Although not quite the description I would have chosen, you are accurate in your assumption.", the Vulcan said patiently, "You see, Jim, you are still unaware of a great amount of details regarding the Vulcan race. I will, therefore, try to explain as simply as possible. I share a deep emotional bond with the Jim of my time and have done so for years. I know that you undoubtedly have a number of questions concerning this subject, but I would rather not go into detail. Too much has already been changed and it is not my place to tell you."

What the hell? An emotional bond? Jim had had no idea that Vulcans could even do something like that!

Did that mean that his Spock and he would…

_Damn it, man, he's not yours!_, a voice that sounded suspiciously like Bones snapped in his head, _This is another time, another reality. Get a grip!_

Shaking his head slightly to clear it, Jim turned his attention back to the conversation, determined to steer it away from the current topic.

"Okay, so you did those calculations, but how is this supposed to work? I mean you can't just fly back into the black hole you came through, right?"

Nodding slightly, the other confirmed that this would, indeed, not be the case.

"As you already know, the path I came through was a singularity, or more specifically an anomaly in space-time accompanied by a lightning storm. Although erroneously referred to as a 'black hole', it actually functioned as a 'wormhole'."

Jim's mind was reeling to keep up with Spock's inhumanly intelligent one, trying to recall every single Advanced Astrophysics lecture he'd ever had.

"Tunnels that connect two points in space-time.", he blurted out on reflex, as if Spock was a professor that had asked him a question.

The other didn't seem to mind, though.

"Precisely.", he simply said, "As you might know, a wormhole can also connect the same place in two different times, which is what happened to Nero and myself."

"But wormholes are very rare and have the tendency to only appear under certain conditions.", Jim almost quoted his professor.

Again, Spock nodded and it amazed Jim how much he actually remembered form all those endless hours spent in lecture halls, where he had mostly spent his time scribbling absentminded notes that were almost always lost as soon as the day was over.

"You must know, Jim, I chose Epsilon Omega not only because its atmosphere and surface resemble those of Vulcan, but also because this area of space is known for frequently giving rise to anomalies."

"And it's possible to tell when a wormhole will appear?"

"It was not an easy task and I was fortunate to have come from the future and not the past. Without various formulae that have not yet been discovered in your time it would not have been possible to determine when a wormhole suitable for my return would open."

Jim leaned back again, his spine aching from the tension in his muscles.

"You know, I'm no scientist, but there is only a small chance of wormholes actually leading you where you expect to go and, if you ask me, an even smaller one if two different realities are involved..."

Spock folded his hands and Jim was momentarily distracted. Even though not as smooth as the younger Spock's hands, they were still one of the Vulcan's most stunning features.

His thoughts were interrupted by the older Spock's reply.

"There is a forty nine per cent chance of the plan succeeding.", he stated calmly, as if talking about tomorrow's chances of rain.

Jim's mouth dropped open in shock, as he inhaled sharply.

"Forty nine per cent? But that's madness!", he exclaimed, every muscle in his body tensing up.

Jim could not really identify what he was feeling, but he knew it was something intense and strangely…protective.

Spock regarded him wordlessly, the silence thickening with every moment.

"That may be", he said after a long pause, "but it is also my only hope."

Something soft and warm suddenly exploded inside of him at the Vulcan's words and Jim was reminded of their meld on Delta Vega, where he had first discovered the intense love the older Spock felt for his alternate self.

He could not even remotely imagine what it would be like if someone loved him that way.

Jim had never wanted love of that kind. He had always been convinced that the pain one suffered was not worth the short periods of happiness one got in return. For the first time in his life, James T. Kirk wondered if maybe he had been wrong.

Was it better, after all, to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all?

Suddenly shrinking back from his own mind, Jim tried to explain this strange train of thought away as momentary confusion. Since when did he believe in romantic love?

Determined to forget about the whole thing, Jim was nevertheless determined to help the other Spock.

"So...what exactly is the plan?", he asked slowly.

"If our calculations are accurate, the wormhole that will meet my requirements will start opening in approximately 24.5 hours, and after another 12 hours it will reach the size I would need to navigate a shuttle through. If we are not mistaken, the singularity will remain stable for around 5 hours before collapse. I would very much welcome your assistance by taking me aboard and letting me depart directly from the Enterprise when the right moment arrives. Starfleet, of course, has been informed."

"How did you get Starfleet to approve?", Jim asked before another fact occurred to him, "And how the hell did the Vulcan Elders agree that you focus on something as complex as working out equations for a wormhole, probably keeping every single remaining person from the Vulcan Science Academy busy?"

"I did not inform Starfleet personally.", Spock answered, "The remaining Vulcan Elders found the offer I made to be quite logical and therefore contacted Starfleet in addition to allowing me to engage every Vulcan Scientist on the colony."

Somehow Jim had a feeling he was missing something here.

"What offer?"

"That should I arrive safely back in my time, I would send back a Vulcan vessel with a few willing individuals that could help in rebuilding our race and preserving our culture. The extended knowledge of the Vulcans of my time would make it possible to save us from living as an endangered species."

Jim stared at him.

"You _bribed_ them into helping you?"

"I would prefer the term 'negotiated'.", Spock said, a conspiratorial twinkle in his eyes.

Jim shook his head in disbelief. Here was a single Vulcan who had manipulated his whole race in order to be reunited with his lover and save him from death.

He was sure that Spock cared for the fate of the Vulcans, but he almost believed that the alternate Jim had been the one who had driven him to those acts of desperation.

"I will never understand how you can be related to my Spock.", Jim said, feeling the need to speak his mind.

The slight twinkle was still there.

"You will see that _your_ Spock still has a lot to learn."

Jim felt a blush crawling up his cheeks and tried to fight it down. Once again his mouth seemed to have run away with him.

On the other hand, wasn't this the perfect time to introduce the topic that had been eating away at him for months?

Strangely enough, now that he finally had the opportunity to talk to the older Spock, he didn't really know what to say. There was so much going on that he just couldn't seem to sort his thoughts. His head was still spinning.

He felt in need of a break.

Nevertheless, the older Spock would be on the Enterprise for a day or so while they waited for the wormhole to open. Maybe-

_Wait a minute!_

"Did you say that you will come aboard the Enterprise?", Jim asked slowly.

"Indeed.", Spock said, "Your help would be much appreciated."

Several alarm bells in his head seemed to go off all at once.

"But Spock is on that ship!"

Inclining his head slightly, the Vulcan leaned back in his chair.

"Ah, yes", he replied quietly, "I believe there is something I have to rectify here, Jim."

"Rectify?", Jim echoed dumbly, a feeling of dread creeping up on him.

"I'm afraid I have left you with a misassumption.", he said mildly, "My younger self and I met a few months ago, after Nero's defeat."

"_What_?"

"I am sorry, Jim."

Suddenly no longer able to sit, Jim jumped up, nearly colliding with the little table in between the armchairs. Needing a way to get rid of his pent-up energy, Jim opted for flailing his arms around as he proceeded to flip out.

"This is a _joke_, right?", he fumed, "All this time I've been dancing circles around Spock, just so you can tell me _that he already knows_?!"

"I'm afraid it was necessary to leave you under this assumption. It was important for you to regain control of the Enterprise without my help. And, sadly, there was no time afterwards to enlighten you."

Great. Neither of the Spocks had deemed it important to inform him. Did he have 'fool' tattooed on his head or something?

Well, he would give Mr Stiff-And-All-About-Duty a piece of his mind!

-/-

"Spock, a word.", Jim bit out, purposefully ignoring the fact that his First was currently in conversation with one of his fellow crew members, "Now."

His run through half the building in order to find the Vulcan had done little to reign in his anger, maybe even made it worse when he thought about all the chances Spock had had in the past few months to make him aware of this little fact.

Too agitated to beat around the bush, Jim cut straight to the point as soon as Spock had disengaged himself from his conversation and come over to join him by the window.

"_You knew_!", he burst out accusingly, attempting to keep his voice down but not sure if he had actually succeeded.

Spock's eyebrow took the familiar route upwards.

"May I inquire as to what you are referring?"

As Jim's blood was boiling, he was once again reminded of all the reasons why he had enjoyed getting an emotional reaction from the Vulcan. Reminded of all the reasons why he would like to do it again.

"I'm talking about your other self!", Jim hissed, leaning closer, "Why the hell didn't you tell me?!"

Spock stiffened a bit more than usual.

"I was unaware of the fact that this particular information had you so upset, Jim."

Oh _hell_ no! Not the 'Jim' card! He could already feel his knees trembling and his breath shorten at the way his name sounded in Spock's smooth voice.

As his heart raced wildly, Jim felt his anger ebb away slightly. Maybe he was overreacting just the tiniest bit?

"I'm not...upset...", he mumbled, feeling faintly embarrassed.

He leaned back now, trying to get himself under control by getting more distance between them.

The unnatural heat that had him sweating from the minute he had left the ship did nothing to help the additional drops that ran down the nape of his neck and vanished below his collar.

"Indeed.", Spock stated calmly.

Jim wondered if the Vulcan ever sweated? Fighting with the image in his head, he forced himself to get his thoughts back on track.

"Look, I just hate being kept in the dark, that's all."

Oh hell. As always, the thing that had come out of his mouth was far more personal than he had intended.

"I can assure you it was not my intention to deliberately withhold information from you. Had I known that it is of such importance to you I would have broached the subject sooner."

Jim blinked. Why was Spock being so _nice_ about this? As nice as he had ever seen him anyway. Did that maybe have to do something with the fact that the Vulcan had agreed to get to know him better?

It wasn't that Jim hadn't thought that Spock was being serious when he had agreed for them to get to know each other, but…but this was almost as if he was already trying to act like something akin to a friend.

Not that they had been openly hostile to each other these past few months since Nero's defeat, or anything as drastic as that, but they hadn't been _friends_…

Sighing, Jim ran a hand through his slightly damp hair, making it stick up messily, focusing back on the conversation at hand.

"Just make sure it doesn't happen again.", he said then, feeling the need to hide behind his role as a Captain.

"Of course."

Thinking it best to drop the subject, Jim let his gaze shift briefly to the window, taking in the dry, sandy ground outside. It occurred to him that should he revisit Epsilon Omega, he would know to dress more appropriately.

"Jim", Spock's voice tore him form his musings, "Was there anything else you required?"

Turning his head back to look at his First, Jim felt suddenly reluctant to leave Spock's side so soon. He felt the need to test the new waters.

Obviously, the Vulcan was starting to feel uncomfortable, which Jim immediately recognised from the way Spock's hands were clasped a bit too tightly behind his back; probably a result of Jim simply standing there, not saying a word. It would take some more time spent together for the other to feel comfortable enough in his presence that no conversation would be needed.

"Actually, there is.", he said finally, his tone conversational, "Do you have a minute?"

"There are no pressing matters that require my immediate attention."

Jim could almost see how his First mentally went through a checklist of tasks he had planned on fulfilling in the next hour or so.

"Great. How about we take a walk. There's something I want to discuss with you."


	4. Chapter 4

**Emotionally Compromised**

Pairing: Jim/Spock

Rating: PG-13 (for now)

Warnings: it's SLASH that means m/m love, don't like don't read

Disclaimer: i own nothing, and there is no copyright infringement intended. i also don't earn any kind of money by writing this.

**A/N.: **hello guys! i'm sorry for the delay, but i spent lots of time on further research that can morph me into a proper Trekkie :). i also watched 'The Search of Spock' so i can build up my 'captain vocabbulary', lol. also, i was pretty ill when i wrote this chapter, so hopefully it doesn't show! as always, i'll try my best to update quickly!

**also: **i apologise for the lack of (young) Spock in this chapter! but as i have mentioned in the A/N of the last chapter, this is Spock Prime's last appearance. ALSO the next chapter will be ONLY Spock/Jim, so i hope i gave you something to look forward to ;D_._

a** VERY VERY BIG THANKS **to** EVERYONE **who reviewed! i'm SO happy about how many ppl like and read my story! you flatter me!

_**Pup-of-Power:** __thanks a lot for your review! about your question, i'm really sorry but i don't think i quite got that XD lol, what exactly would you like to do?_

_**Only October Girl:** __thanks so much for your review! i agree wholeheartedly! as to Spock's POV: i'm usually not a writer that switches POVs in a story, so i think there won't be Spock's POV in this story. if it makes you feel better though, i did have a plot bunny for another story which would be written in Spock's POV, so we'll see how things go ;)._

* * *

**Chapter 4**

By the time Jim was back in his quarters on the Enterprise, he felt all too ready for a break. He had done nothing but run from one place to the other all day and his arms were aching from lifting several heavy boxes, telling him how little time he'd spent on exercise lately.

Staring at the ceiling, after having collapsed on the bed, Jim thought back on everything that had happened that day.

He still couldn't believe that the older Spock wanted to attempt this crazy mission and although his First hadn't said so, Jim had gotten the feeling that the younger Vulcan had also doubted the elder's logic after having the situation explained to him. After his little freak out, things had actually gone quite well.

Jim was pretty proud of himself. He had managed to keep his thoughts focused on the discussion at hand and had mostly kept his eyes fixed somewhere indefinite in order to avoid Spock's dark gaze and escape the possible awkwardness that could have otherwise ensued.

As expected, his First had taken the information with little personal comment. Jim had been dying to ask Spock about what he thought about the whole thing and if he thought it a 'logical' idea to get help from the future. In the end, however, he had held back. It wasn't the best idea to start prodding when talking to someone as intelligent as his First; because there was a high chance he would pick up on subtle details. In this case that sending aid from the future was not, in fact, the only reason the older Spock was so determined to get back home.

Sighing, Jim closed his eyes briefly. He just hoped all of this would work out…

-/-

When Jim walked back from the mess hall, he was relieved that he had left Bones behind. He loved his best friend dearly, but sometimes he could be just a little…much.

Not only had he pestered Jim about 'looking like a zombie' as he had so nicely put it earlier this morning, he had also tried to find out why Jim had been 'so goddamned mopey' for the past few weeks.

Of course, all of the doctor's suspicions had led him to believe that a woman must be involved, which resulted in him unceremoniously trying to pick Jim's brain as to 'who the hell' it was that had gotten him 'so damned excited'.

Not only had all the (human) guys from the bridge been there, as well as Scotty, but not long after the 'discussion' had started, Spock made an appearance. The food had suddenly lost its appeal.

So Jim had excused himself ("Sorry, Bones, still need to finish tons of paperwork, and, actually, I'm wiped out after today.") and had fled the scene. The last thing he needed was for his First to pick up on the wild assumptions Bones had flung around about his supposed 'latest conquest' with his sensitive Vulcan hearing.

His thoughts were suddenly interrupted upon colliding with another person when rounding the next corner. The impact was quite strong and would have probably sent him stumbling backwards if not for the hands that grasped his arms in a tight grip, successfully keeping him steady.

Looking up, Jim met a pair of very dark eyes. As always upon seeing him, the older Spock's gaze filled with warmth.

"Jim", was his way of greeting.

"Hey…", Jim said, not comfortable with calling him 'Spock' although, obviously, that was his name.

Some warm, tingling but subtle sensation suddenly spread inside his chest and Jim wondered where the hell it had come from, but then thought he had probably just imagined it.

Frowning, Jim realised that the Vulcan was still holding onto him. It was the first time they had touched, he thought distractedly, not counting the meld of course. Jim found he liked it.

The older Spock obviously had no problem with physical contact with Jim, which was probably no surprise given he was used to him in a much more intimate way, even if it was him in another time.

Gently, the Vulcan let go of him, only to rest a warm, almost hot, hand on his shoulder.

This time he was sure that he hadn't imagined it when the slight tingle flared up again briefly.

"I have the impression that there is something on your mind.", the Vulcan said quietly.

Jim ran an awkward hand through his hair, hoping that he was not always as easy to read as this.

Should he take up this unobtrusive invitation of another private talk with the older Spock? He sure as hell wouldn't mind getting everything off his chest for a change… There was no one else he could talk to, no one he had talked to about the whole situation until now.

And if someone could give him a tip or two as to how to handle his Spock, it would be the older Vulcan. With a heavy heart, Jim realised this would be the last time he would be able to talk with the older Spock properly. This was his last chance.

After all, he was leaving tomorrow…

"There-There is, actually.", Jim said, stumbling slightly over his words.

The Vulcan did his smile-with-his-eyes-thing, and withdrew his hand from Jim's shoulder, leaving it colder than before.

"Would you care for a cup of tea, Jim?", he inquired.

Jim breathed out in relief, feeling the urge to hug the Vulcan.

"Yeah, thanks.", he said, smiling tentatively.

-/-

The quarters that had been assigned to the older Spock were small but comfortable, seeing as he would only stay for a short amount of time.

The tea Jim had requested already stood on the coffee table in front of them by the time he turned to face the older Spock, who sat on the couch beside him. They were not so close as to be touching, but Jim could still feel the inhuman heat that the Vulcan radiated.

"It must be something heavy that weighs on your mind.", the older Spock said mildly, taking a sip from his tea.

Jim sighed.

"Is it that obvious?"

Inclining his head slightly, the Vulcan put his cup back on the saucer and balanced it there for a moment, before putting it on the table.

"I do not believe other people notice it. I am merely aware of you in a different way. You seem to suffer from sleep-deprivation.", Spock answered, his dark eyes intently fixed on him, "Your alternate self reacted in the same way whenever something troubled him."

Jim mulled those words over in his head.

"Am I a lot like him?"

His curiosity was sincere. Jim had sometimes wondered what his alternate self might be like. He was surely very different from him in many ways. The other had grown up under entirely different circumstances and although Jim usually stamped stuff like that off as psychological bullshit, in this case the fact that the other Jim had had a stable family life with a father that was alive and well and a mother that was untarnished by the fact that the love of her life had died must have counted for something.

No bastard of a stepfather pushing him around, no guilty looks from his mother...

Shaking his head to clear it, Jim forcefully pushed the thoughts from his mind. How pathetic. He hated feeling sorry for himself.

"There are great similarities in your characters.", Spock answered slowly, "However, I can see that the different environment you were exposed to as a child has marked you in ways which made you into the person you are today."

Jim was surprised at Spock echoing his thoughts, although he probably shouldn't be. The Vulcan had most likely thought a lot about all of this and had drawn several conclusions.

"And Spock?", Jim asked suddenly, reacting purely on impulse.

The other nodded slightly, wearing a similar expression to the one he had had when Jim had asked him about Nero all those months ago in the cave on Delta Vega.

"I fear that my alternate self's destiny has been altered in a most defining way.", he said quietly, "He is already more withdrawn and damaged than I ever was. No doubt you will encounter several difficulties in the course of your friendship with him."

Jim knew what the Vulcan was referring to, of course. The premature death of his mother, that had happened in front of Spock's very eyes no less, and the destruction of his homeworld had played a big role in throwing his First off balance.

"So do you think that...we can't ever be more than friends?", Jim asked, still a bit hesitant about introducing the subject, "Because of that I mean?"

"That was not what I intended to imply, Jim.", Spock said gently, "Your compatibility with Spock remains the same, despite your altered childhoods."

"You really think so?"

Jim nearly bit his tongue off as soon as the words left his mouth. Not only were they stupid, but also the hopefulness far too evident.

The tiniest of smiles formed on the Vulcan's lips.

"I am certain of it.", he assured him, "Though I fear it will be harder to succeed in your intentions under the given circumstances."

_No shit._

Sighing, Jim ran a hand through his hair. What had he gotten himself into?

"Is it worth it?"

Spock's eyes were so intense that Jim almost felt them burn into him.

"Yes, Jim.", he said firmly, "It is worth it."

-/-

When Jim lay in his bed that night, he was calm for the first time in weeks. Some strange certainty had come over him, a feeling he couldn't explain.

Their conversation had lasted long into the night, although the older Spock had reminded Jim more than once that there were several things he could not tell him. The Vulcan had been reluctant to reveal too much about his alternate self and Jim had understood that it was something he had to mange on his own. He had already gotten more help than he deserved.

Spock and he had said their private goodbyes before he had left the Vulcan's quarters. Jim had known that it was his last chance to show the other his gratitude and affection.

The embrace they shared did not last long, but the body against his was hot, even through several layers of clothing, and Jim felt safe and loved. Spock was so welcoming it took his breath away.

Would his Spock ever react like this? Would he ever allow Jim to hug him in the first place?

It seemed such a far fetched thought when he tried to link it to his First.

But the older Spock had been so certain…

And it was with this one thought that Jim finally succumbed to sleep, his troubled mind letting him rest at least for this one night.

-/-

Staring out of the main screen, Jim could see that the wormhole had grown remarkably in the last few hours. If the calculation of the older Spock and the Science Academy-Vulcans proved correct, which Jim was sure they would, then it could not be more than an hour until the older Spock would take off with the shuttle that had been assigned to him.

Although Jim's physical state was much improved after finally having had a good night's sleep, he couldn't help but be tense and quiet.

He was more than concerned about this whole plan. For a minute he had even contemplated talking the older Spock out of it, but then he had pulled himself together. The other had asked for help, not lectures or weak attempts at persuasion. If his whole approach was anything to go by, Jim doubted that there was anything that could get the older Spock to change his mind.

Jim had discussed the situation again with both Spocks and had given exact orders as to how close they could fly to the wormhole while minimising the risk to the Enterprise.

He was grateful for having such an able crew. Sulu had navigated the ship expertly while Chekov had informed him about distance and angle to the singularity.

And that was where they were now. In safe distance from the wormhole, but close enough to monitor its progress.

Jim tried to keep himself from jumping up and pacing in front of his chair, trying to keep his professional air while he was fretting inside. With every passing moment, Jim grew more agitated.

He wasn't used to feeling concern and it threw him completely.

"Captain", Chekov's voice suddenly tore him from his thoughts, "If ze calculations are correct, zen we heve exactly fifty minutes left until ze singularity haz reached ze desired size and denzity."

"Thank you, Chekov", Jim said, finally giving into the urge and getting up from his chair, "It is time for me to check back with engineering and walk our guest to the shuttle. Mr Spock, you are with me. Sulu, you've got the conn."

His orders were echoed with the typical 'aye Captain' as Spock silently got up from his station to join Jim in the turbolift.

Far too tense to engage in any kind of conversation that wasn't related to the mission at hand, Jim simply stared at the insides of the lift doors as they descended.

Scotty was expecting them, as was the older Spock who had been conversing with him. His chief engineer reassured everyone present that things were progressing as planned and that the shuttle was equipped and ready to be boarded.

Jim thanked him and, accompanied by the two Spocks, made his way to the shuttlebay.

Even tenser than before, Jim halted stiffly in front of the shuttle and turned to his First and the other Vulcan. They were standing side by side, looking at him with dark eyes and their hands clasped behind their backs.

In this one moment their similarity was so evident that he honestly asked himself how no one had made the possible connection.

Jim didn't know what to say. He felt the urge to hug the older Vulcan again, but knew that he couldn't.

Following some silent agreement, Jim moved to stand beside the young Spock as the older took a few steps towards the shuttle.

Turning back for what, Jim knew, would be the last time the older Vulcan raised a hand in the typical Vulcan farewell-gesture.

Beside him, the younger Spock raised his own hand in the same manner.

"Good luck.", he heard his First say.

The older Spock inclined his head in acknowledgement and something seemed to pass between the two, but it was gone too quickly for Jim to interpret.

His throat had tightened and he was sure that he wouldn't be able to produce any coherent sound. Jim's eyes were burning suspiciously and he needed all of his concentration to not lose his composure.

Why the hell was it always a Spock that managed to invoke such strong feelings in him?

The older Vulcan's eyes turned to him, warm and open.

"Thank you, Jim.", he said quietly.

And that was it.

Jim closed his eyes briefly in order to get his breathing under control and when he opened them again, the older Spock was already in the shuttle.

Numbly, he watched the space doors being replaced by the force field as the shuttle's lights sprang to life and it rose from the deck.

By the time the shuttle had taken off, Jim was doing something he had never done before. He prayed silently to something, someone that would see the older Spock back home safely.

"Captain?"

Jim blinked. He had no idea how long he had simply stood there, deep in thought, but when his vision cleared he saw that the space doors were back in place and his First was looking at him intently.

"It's 'Jim', Spock.", he retorted automatically as he turned to face him fully.

Spock simply inclined his head, the gesture almost identical to the one his older self had always made, his dark eyes fixated on him as if they were trying to figure something out.

"Jim", he said then, "Our presence is required on the bridge."

Jim swallowed the lump in his throat, finally having been brought back to reality.

"Of course.", was all he could retort.

Jim didn't really pay attention to where he was going. He simply trotted along next to his First, his thoughts again too far away to be able to focus properly.

_Just a few minutes_, he told himself firmly, _Just a few minutes and I'll be back to normal._

Looking back on the whole thing later on, Jim wouldn't even be able to recall entering the turbolift. He would wonder many times if there had even been the slightest sign of what was to follow, if maybe Spock had been preoccupied as well and missed some kind of warning signal, anything unusual.

But as it was, neither of the two noticed anything out of the ordinary.

The doors of the turbolift slid shut and it was Spock that pressed the button for the bridge. Obediently, the lift moved upwards and Jim felt his composure returning. He was the captain of this ship and as long as he was on duty, he would do his job properly. He would-

Abruptly, the movement of the turbolift halted. Completely bewildered, Jim checked the bright number on the screen over the buttons, confident that they could not yet have arrived. When he saw Spock doing the same, Jim knew that something must be wrong.

They were somewhere in the saucer section on the way to the bridge and the number that glared at him did not change.

"Wha-", he started, turning to his First.

He was cut off, however, when the small space was plunged into sudden darkness. There had been no alarming sounds, the lift hadn't given a dramatic lurch nor was there anything else that could have indicated a catastrophe.

The only thing that had happened was that every single light had suddenly gone dark.

Jim ceased breathing.

They were trapped.


	5. Chapter 5

**Emotionally Compromised**

Pairing: Jim/Spock

Rating: PG-13 (for now)

Warnings: it's SLASH that means m/m love, don't like don't read

Disclaimer: i own nothing, and there is no copyright infringement intended. i also don't earn any kind of money by writing this.

**A/N.: **hi everyone! i really hope i didn't leave you waiting for too long! i'm sorry for the cliffy and really hope that this chapter will live up to your expectations!

i was SO happy that a lot of ppl liked my Spock Prime and were sad to see him leave - i was too!. i was quite reluctant with it all, cause i wasn't sure if ppl were too sick of the plot and him being around etc. but all those lovely reviews really made my day(s) :) !

as promised, this chapter is purely Spock/Jim and i hope you enjoy ;).

**THANK YOU** to all my fabolous reviewers, you can't imagine how i love reading them and how happy i am everytime i see a new one!

_**Dreaming-Of-A-Nightmare:** __thank you, that makes me feel better :) - and thank god i am better now, haha. i'm glad you like it!_

_**Hatori Soma:** i hope that was quick enough to avoid the plush bunnies! lol_

_**Pup-of-Power:** oh, i see, haha! yes of course, i'd be flattered!_

_**hikaru:** thank you! that's so nice of you to say that! i love him too :)._

_**MoonlightWalks:** thank you! i hope you login-thing gets fixed soon!_

* * *

**Chapter 5**

"Spock?", Jim's voice held a slight trace of panic as he whirled around in the direction he assumed his First to be.

Automatically reaching out a hand to determine Spock's exact location, Jim was surprised when it actually connected with something warm and firm, that he assumed to be the Vulcan's chest.

Jim felt Spock giving a slight jerk, probably having been caught completely by surprise with his touch, and the muscles under his fingers tensed before a strong, hot hand closed in a tight grip around his wrist, pushing his hand away.

The electric surge that shot though his body was so intense that Jim almost didn't feel the slight, tingling sensation spreading in his chest. The exact same one he had felt last night, when the older Spock had touched him. There was no denying its existence anymore.

Jim was torn from his thoughts by Spock abruptly letting go of his wrist. Shit. How could he have forgotten that Vulcans despised physical contact?

Withdrawing, Jim retreated a hasty step only to collide with one of the turbolift's walls.

The darkness was so thick it was almost suffocating and Jim wished for nothing more than to touch Spock again.

"What the hell happened?", Jim asked, his voice slightly hoarse, deciding that the best way to handle the situation would be to pointedly ignore this particular incident.

He could hear a slight movement not too far away. A subtle rustling of clothes. It was strange that soon after his vision was lost to the darkness, Jim was able to hear sounds he had never before been aware of.

"I do not know.", Spock answered calmly, his voice closer than Jim had expected, "There is a possibility that there has been an adverse reaction involving the ship's electro-plasma conduit system."

Blindly, Jim ran a hand over the smooth surface of the wall he had collided with just a moment before. His fingers bumped into the buttons located there and, although he was certain he would achieve nothing by it, pressed several randomly.

"That could mean a whole sector is without electricity.", Jim continued the thought, finally giving up on the buttons and opting to go back to simply leaning against the smooth surface.

"A definite possibility.", his First agreed, his voice neutral as always.

"So what do you think we should do now?", he asked, grateful that the conversation was distracting him from the unpleasant surroundings, "Wait it out?"

There was another faint rustling sound, this time closer to his right. He could distantly feel the heat radiating off the Vulcan's body and hear his calm, even breathing.

"That would be the most logical choice.", Spock answered, "Under the current circumstances the possibility of electricity being restored is higher than our chances at survival should we attempt an escape through the emergency trap-door."

"Waiting out it is…", Jim muttered darkly, but knowing that the Vulcan had heard him.

There were several minutes of absolute silence, which only resulted in Jim's discomfort growing by the second.

Somehow the little space of the lift was becoming warmer and warmer, which shouldn't have surprised Jim, especially seeing as the person he was trapped with was a Vulcan with inhumanly high body temperature. Still, he couldn't blame the heat solely on Spock (although he was usually the only cause) because Jim knew that his own nerves and utter disconcertment were playing a big part as well.

Feeling the first sheen of sweat building on his brow, he wiped it off with one of his hands, feeling the dampness of his hair.

This wasn't good.

He tried to simply keep still, but it was impossible.

"Spock?", Jim asked, his voice sounding louder (and also shakier) than intended, making him wince, but not stop, "Can you please say something? This silence is driving me crazy."

Although Jim had never considered himself claustrophobic or afraid of the dark, this coincidental combination of the two had him almost climbing the sleek steely walls.

"Am I right in assuming that you are having some difficulties with the current situation?", came the calm retort after a few seconds.

This hadn't been what Jim had had in mind _exactly_.

Damn Spock and his excellent observation skills.

"I-It's just that…", trailing off Jim realised he had no idea what 'it' actually was.

Would it really hurt that much to say the truth for once, minus bullshit? Had it not been Jim himself who had suggested that they get to know each other better? How could he expect any level of openness and sincerity from Spock when he was so unwilling to offer any of his own?

Taking a deep breath, Jim made a decision.

"Yes.", he said quietly, "You're right."

"Indeed.", Spock acknowledged calmly and Jim was suddenly aware of how much he hated the fact that he couldn't see him.

It was nearly impossible to read anything from Spock's voice alone and Jim had become so accustomed to observing the Vulcan and his subtle reactions that he found himself at a loss.

"Is it the enclosed space or the darkness that is causing you the most distress?", the Vulcan sounded almost interested.

Surprised that Spock had offered another question, Jim tried to think carefully about his answer.

"I think it's more the fact that I can't get out.", he admitted quietly.

This sincere statement seemed to hang between them for several moments and Jim could almost imagine the look in Spock's eyes as he mulled that over.

Not comfortable with having this kind of attention focused on him, Jim shifted his weight.

"How long do you think we'll be in here?", he asked, trying to steer the conversation away from himself.

"As I do not know the actual cause, an estimation would be extremely vague and most probably inaccurate."

Of course. Why had he asked again?

Jim sighed and shifted his weight again, his legs starting to ache from simply standing there. Finally deciding that he'd had enough, he slid down the sleek wall and sat where his feet had been planted moments before.

There. Much more comfortable.

"Maybe you wanna sit down as well?", Jim offered casually, speaking into Spock's general direction, "I'm sure it will take some more time and we may need our energy for other things."

Actually, he could think of several things that they could do sitting down. One of them involved testing if the Vulcan's lips and tongue were as hot as his skin appeared to be. Maybe he could even-…

Okay, it was official. Jim was a masochist. What better place than this to indulge in fantasies of his First when they were both _trapped in the damn turbolift_.

Feeling the temperature rise another notch, Jim nervously rested his arms on his knees, feeling the back of his uniform sticking unpleasantly to his spine.

"I prefer to stand.", Spock said, and Jim momentarily had difficulty remembering what they had been talking about.

_What a surprise_, Jim thought sarcastically.

Silence. Again.

Feeling himself getting more twitchy again, Jim stretched out his legs in an effort to focus on something else other than his own nervous thoughts. He hated not being in control.

Deciding that keeping up the conversation was the only way to stop him from freaking out, Jim tried to think up an unobtrusive question.

"Why do you hate it so much when someone touches you?", is what came out of his mouth.

Great. How very unobtrusive! Spock would surely _love_ to discuss personal matters with him, being a Vulcan under his command and all…

"I was under the impression that you were aware of Vulcans' aversion to physical contact.", the usual stiffness had crept back into his First's voice.

Jim regretted having let this particular question escape.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to…", Jim trailed off, not really knowing what best to say, "I didn't ask because I want to make you uncomfortable. I really want to know."

There was a pause and Jim strained to hear Spock's even breathing, anything better than being plunged back into silence.

"I did not assume you were deliberately trying to cause me discomfort. I was", Spock stopped briefly, probably in order to carefully construct his next sentence, "merely surprised at such a query. Vulcans have great difficulty discussing anything of a personal nature."

Jim was slightly taken aback at his honesty, wondering, once again, if it had anything to do with their agreement.

He knew he shouldn't push it, but now that the floodgates had opened, Jim felt a million questions burning on his tongue. The only positive thing about sitting in a pitch black room was, it seemed, that it somewhat loosened one's tongue and made it easier to talk about subjects they would normally not even think about broaching. Some of the surrealism of the situation had probably rubbed off on them…

"Okay, I get it. Too personal.", Jim said accompanying his words with a dismissive gesture that lost its purpose as he realised that Spock wouldn't be able to see it, "But there must be something we can talk about? I'm still curious. It's not as if there's so much information about Vulcans out there."

Jim felt a bit more comfortable now, having managed to actually get a few whole sentences out. Maybe there was hope for him after all.

"Am I to understand that you have attempted research on this particular subject?"

Maybe not.

There had been something almost undetectable in Spock's tone, making him sound less neutral than usual.

The need to bang his head against the wall returned.

"Yeah uh, for, you know, academic and professional reasons.", Jim said, this time being _very _careful with his words.

"Indeed.", the, by now, familiar answer washed over Jim and he breathed an inner sigh of relief only to choke on it when Spock continued, "May I inquire as to what information you were able to acquire in the process?"

Mind working in overdrive, Jim thought for a way to buy time.

"I'll make you a deal, Spock.", he said sounding casual (thank god), "You sit your ass down so I don't feel like back in elementary school with the teacher hovering over me – then I'll tell you what I found out and you can tell me if it's true."

Almost expecting Spock would tell him to fuck off (in Spock-speech of course), Jim was shocked into utter stillness by the sound of fabric rustling and the distinct feeling of movement next to him.

"You need not be so surprised at my compliance, Jim.", Spock's voice was now right next to him and Jim was surprised at how much it had changed, making it so much more…intimate, "Sitting on the floor is regularly required of all Vulcans while meditating."

Meditating…Jim was sure that he had stumbled across it when doing his research – which had never been for either academic or professional purposes. He had needed something to do on all those nights when sleep had abandoned him.

As far as he remembered it had something to do with re-establishing control and processing emotions-

Wait a minute.

"How'd you know I was surprised?"

Stillness settled over them and Jim was almost sure that, for once, it had been Spock who was caught letting something slip. He almost laughed out loud at the strange situation.

Who would have thought their positions could ever be reversed?

"Wait- I know", Jim said, suddenly hit with inspiration, "It's this telepathic thing, isn't it?"

More interested than ever Jim shifted slightly, turning fully into Spock's direction. He had been dying to find out more about all of this, having been fascinated with Vulcans' telepathic abilities ever since meeting Spock. His research had been far too vague and Jim had been hopelessly frustrated.

If his First really could feel his emotions, then he would probably have no problem picking up on his curiosity and-

Oh my god.

Jim suddenly froze, every muscle in his body tensing to the point of it being painful. He even stopped breathing.

How could he have been so utterly stupid? Spock was _telepathic_. Meaning he could pick up on emotions. And, although Jim didn't really know how this whole thing worked, the fact that the Vulcan had caught onto his surprise just a moment before was answer enough for him. Because if he had felt his surprise _before_, then he must have felt…whatever it was that Jim felt when he was close to his First.

Which would mean that Spock _knew_. That he must have known for _weeks_. Spock knew about Jim's obsession for him, knew about his confusion, his…attraction…

His breathing suddenly returned when he sucked in a lungful of air. This could not be happening.

"Jim", Spock's voice was even, but not as calm as he was used to hearing it.

Jim pressed his cheek against the cool steel of the wall next to him as he tried to stay grounded.

"How long?", he croaked out.

The brief pause that followed did nothing to calm him.

"I have been detecting emotions of…this particular nature for approximately four weeks.", although the construction of his sentences was analytical as ever, something in Spock's voice was almost…soft, "Recent encounters between us have confirmed my…theory."

Weeks. So his suspicions had been correct.

Lifting his head away from the wall, Jim pushed a shaky hand through his damp hair with more force than would have been healthy under normal circumstances.

He felt as if he was dreaming. As if he was floating in empty space, unable to fully comprehend what the hell was going on.

"But-But why haven't you _said_ anything?"

"I did not know how to broach the subject.", Spock admitted quietly, "Especially after having recognised your deliberate restraint when displaying your emotions in my presence."

Jim's head was aching.

"But if you knew all this, why did you ever agree we should get to know each other better?"

The answer that followed was almost hesitant.

"I hoped that in the process some of my…confusion would clear."

"Confusion?", Jim echoed uncomprehendingly.

"I have never been exposed to emotions of this kind before.", Spock said evenly, his voice tight, "The whole situation had me quite…disconcerted."

Jim noted the frequent pauses between the Vulcan's words and felt some distinct satisfaction that he wasn't the only one having problems handling the whole thing.

He didn't know what to say, what to think. Jim couldn't remember when he had last felt this helpless. This frustrated.

"And by getting to know me, you what? Thought you could do some research on 'emotions of this kind'?", the words were sharper than he had intended and Jim regretted them as soon as they left his mouth.

There was a brief pause, but somehow Jim felt that it wasn't like the others. More like a short break for Spock to compose himself.

"I can assure you, _Jim_, that this was not my intent.", Spock said stiffly, a slight edge to his voice.

Jim sighed and rubbed his aching head.

"Of course not.", he retorted softly, trying to ease the harshness of his earlier comment, "So what are we gonna do now? Act as if nothing happened?

"I do not consider that to be the solution to our problem."

Had he just said '_our _problem'? Involuntarily, something warm and fuzzy seemed to spread inside him, but he tried to push it away. He needed to stay grounded here, damnit!

"Under the given circumstances I would not object to a continuation of our agreement."

Even though Jim knew he wouldn't be able to see the other, he turned his head sharply.

"You want us to try and be friends?", he asked incredulously.

This was the last thing he had expected. He had assumed that Spock would turn all First Officer on him, reminding him of their duties and status.

"It would only be logical, considering that attempts to further suppress your emotions could lead to distractions, therefore endangering this ship and its crew.", Spock was as calm as ever, probably reassured that he had managed to squeeze his favourite word in.

How flattering. Spock wanted to be friends because it was _logical_.

Jim didn't know what to make of all this. He had no idea how to handle the Vulcan in the first place and now… Now things were even more complicated.

Why hadn't the older Spock warned him about this?

With this thought came a pang of sadness. The older Spock. In all of this chaos he had almost forgotten him. How many hours had passed since his departure? Was he home yet? Was he safe?

Squeezing his eyes shut, Jim let his head fall back and rest against the wall behind him.

"Fine, Spock, let's try.", he said, his voice sounding as defeated as he felt, "But this time you'd better be honest. I don't want to find any more skeletons in your closet."

"I believe they would offer quite a hindrance should I attempt to dress.", Spock's even voice stated from beside him.

Jim's eyes opened and he frowned. No way.

"Was that a _joke_, Spock?"

"Vulcans do not joke.", the voice remained neutral and Jim cursed the darkness for the umpteenth time, "I was merely stating facts."

Jim decided it would be best to let it go.

Shifting, Jim tried to distribute his weight differently. Several muscles protested rather forcefully.

"How long have we been in here?", Jim said through gritted teeth while suppressing a groan.

"Three hours and fifty-two minutes.", came the prompt reply.

Great.

Aside from his aching muscles, his throat felt dry and his stomach was beginning to protest at not having gotten any lunch yet.

Staring upwards into the blackness, Jim felt his restlessness returning. Keep talking, he reminded himself.

"So, how does it work then?"

"I beg you pardon?"

Had Jim imagined it or had he heard a faint note of confusion in Spock's voice? Maybe it was like the observation of his body language. The more used Jim became to his voice the more able he was to detect the subtle differences in his tone. Jim couldn't help but feel pleased about that.

"This telepathic thing.", Jim clarified, "How does it work?"

There was a brief pause, but Jim was used to it by now.

"Vulcans are natural touch-telepaths. Simple contacts require neither concentration nor special training. However, training is important when performing more complex telepathic actions, such as a mind meld.", Spock told him, taking on his 'text-book speech'.

"I can imagine…", Jim muttered, the words slipping unthinkingly from his mouth.

"Are you familiar with Vulcan mind melds?", a stiff undertone had crept back into Spock's voice.

Jim frowned slightly at that.

"The…other You did it on Delta Vega.", Jim said slowly, "It was the quickest way to tell me what had happened."

Something that sounded like a sudden intake of breath made Jim's frown deepen.

"My alternate self attempted a _mind meld_ with you?", Spock said sharply.

Jim sat up straight and turned his head into the Vulcan's general direction, alarmed by the reaction.

"Is that…unusual?", he asked curiously.

He had never thought about this before, never considered asking the older Spock. But when he thought about it now… It _had_ been very intimate and Vulcans were the most private species in the galaxy. Of course the other Spock hadn't minded melding with him, because, as he had told him later, he was bonded to his own Jim – whatever the hell that meant anyway.

Oh hell no. Now Spock would grill Jim why his alternate self had simply strode up and done that mind-thing with him. What the hell was he supposed to say? That the older Spock was used to intimacies with Jim's alternate self and that's why he melded with him without hesitation?

"A mind meld is a highly personal matter and not to be taken lightly.", Spock said, his voice tight.

"We were good friends in another time…", Jim said vaguely.

"You demand honesty on my part and yet I am aware that you are keeping important information from me."

Spock hadn't snapped _exactly_, but Jim knew that the Vulcan was losing some of his precious control. He could detect the signs, even in a place as dark as this. The tone had almost been the same as the one Spock had used before he had attacked him on the bridge.

The words had stung and Jim could feel himself getting angry in response.

"Get out of my head!", he barked, suddenly unable to sit still any longer and jumping to his feet.

What he hadn't counted on, however, was that his legs had become numb from the extended amount of time he had spent sitting on the floor.

Almost as soon as he was standing, Jim felt his knees give out and would have tumbled to the floor quite unceremoniously if two strong hands hadn't gripped his arms to keep him upright.

Spock's hands were hot and the by now familiar tingling sensation hit Jim rather unexpectedly, along with the sudden realisation as to what it was.

The tingling was because of Spock's _touch_, because he was a touch-telepath. His skin was almost…alive.

Heat pooled in Jim's stomach as all his blood suddenly rushed south and his heart felt as if it wanted to jump from his chest. They were so close. Closer even, than that time on the bridge, when Jim had invaded Spock's personal space in order to emotionally compromise him.

Jim could feel the Vulcan's hot breath on his face and shuddered as his grip on him tightened and became almost painful. He was suddenly aware of his own hands, resting on Spock's sides, were they had landed before, out of reflex to steady himself.

Even though their bodies weren't touching, he could feel the intense heat that radiated from his First as their breaths mingled, making Jim aware at how shallow his own was. The other's lips were so close he could almost taste them.

Involuntarily, Jim's trembling fingers curled into Spock's uniform, feeling the rough fabric, as some magnetic force seemed to draw his face even closer to the Vulcan's. He desperately searched for a reason why this was a bad idea, but intense desire clouded his judgement and all he wanted was Spock. Right here, right now.

_God,_ _I want you_, he thought desperately,_ I want you so much._

Spock inhaled sharply and Jim's foggy brain registered that the Vulcan had probably heard his thoughts or something, but he just couldn't bring himself to care.

Jim took a tiny step forward, like a moth drawn to the flame, wanting to feel Spock's body pressed against his, wanting to-

Sudden bright light flooded the small space and they jumped apart in surprise, Jim stumbling back a few steps and hitting the opposite wall, covering his aching eyes. The turbolift gave a lurch and resumed it's journey upwards that it had abandoned hours ago.

Jim was still blinking when the lift slowed down, close to reaching its destination. He could only make out a blue and black blur on the other side of the room, before the turbolift halted and the doors opened.

Almost his entire bridge crew suddenly filled the small space and the whole situation became even more overwhelming. Several voices at once, said 'Captain' or 'Commander' and Jim was still not able to see properly.

"Jim, you alright?", a familiar voice said.

Bones.

Jim recognised his best friend, even though he was out of focus, and couldn't remember when he had been more relieved to see him.

"Yeah, I guess…", he said, still put out, "What happened?"

Bones opened his mouth, but it wasn't him that answered.

"An anomaly caused ze electro-plasma to have an ill reaction and ze damaging one of the plasma conduits, causing a leak zat led to an electrical power outage in ze decks zree to five.", Chekov chirped in helpfully.

"Thank you, Chekov.", Jim said automatically, his vision finally returning to normal.

Taking a deep breath, he tried to focus. He was the captain, he reminded himself, pointedly avoiding looking into the direction where he had last seen Spock.

He could do this.

"To your stations everyone.", he ordered.


	6. Chapter 6

**Emotionally Compromised**

Pairing: Jim/Spock

Rating: PG-13 (for now)

Warnings: it's SLASH that means m/m love, don't like don't read

Disclaimer: i own nothing, and there is no copyright infringement intended. i also don't earn any kind of money by writing this.

**A/N.: **hey guys! first of all, wow** THANK YOU **for all your incredibly flattering reviews, i'm floored! i'm SO happy you are enjoying my story! :D

secondly, of course, i need to apologise for taking ages to update XD. i was in england for 2 weeks on a holiday and not to mention had the worst case of a writer's block imaginable...so had to wait it out, cause sadly i have not yet found a cure other than patience, haha.

also, i felt nervous ever since posting ch5, because i didn't want for ch6 to be a let down... i was so worried that i wasn't satisfied with anything i wrote in the fear that it wouldn't be exciting enough. my greatest horror as a writer is suddenly taking a turn for the worse and losing readers cause i can't make it interesting enough...

so i have to say, i'm VERY nervous what you'll say to this one and really hope it isn't a disappointmen. please let me knoe what you think!

* * *

**Chapter 6**

For the rest of the day, Jim was so busy he was surprised he remembered to breathe. While both the Captain and the First Officer were stuck in the turbolift for several hours, some kind of organised chaos had ensued.

Jim was now running from one place to the next, barking orders left and right, while different crew members gave him various updates on the current situation.

From what Jim could piece together, everything was more or less back in working order.

Just when he had thought that, maybe, he could go to the mess-hall to get himself a much needed glass of water and a bite to eat, Chekov informed him, rather excitedly, that the density of the wormhole seemed to have become unstable, which usually happened shortly before a collapse.

Jim forgot his growling stomach and parched throat, his gaze glued to the main view-screen instead, as if he could detect the change with his bare eyes.

And suddenly he _could _see something. Something that resembled a silvery tip of…a starship?

"Status?", he asked, his eyes never leaving the scene before him.

"Sensors have detected what appears to be a starship in the vicinity of the wormhole.", Spock informed him from his station.

Jim didn't even dare blink, watching as inch by inch the starship emerged from the endless blackness, it's silvery white colour a sharp contrast to the darkness of the wormhole.

It seemed to take forever and Jim's eyes were aching, his thoughts shocked into silence by the knowledge of what this actually meant.

_He did it! He made it back to his Jim. He's safe._

His hand was unsteady as he reached back to find his chair, his knees giving way and he collapsed more than he actually sat.

Looking back, Jim wasn't exactly sure what happened after this realisation. It was as if he had been completely taken over with relief and happiness.

He dimly remembered thinking _t__hank you _over and over.

Jim had no idea who he was thanking, but he did it anyway as his eyes fixed on the Vulcan starship, seeing but unseeing.

_-/-_

Jim rubbed his aching back, having just spent the last few hours in his chair, he was relieved to finally be able to leave the bridge. Gamma shift had started 15 minutes ago and most of the primary bridge crew had left, the people from the night shift already in their places.

With a grumbling stomach, Jim made his way over to the turbolift paying little attention to the people around him. He had not eaten since this morning and longed to relax his tense muscles.

He was therefore caught completely off guard when he collided with his First right before entering the lift. His hand found the smooth metal of the lift as he steadied himself, his mind experiencing an involuntary flashback and for a moment Jim almost believed he was surrounded by darkness, Spock's hot body somewhere to his right as he tried to keep from going out of his mind.

Not permitting himself to go there, Jim forced himself to focus.

"Spock", he said, more in surprise than greeting.

The Vulcan looked stoic as ever, inclining his head slightly in greeting.

"Captain."

As his First's smooth voice washed over him, Jim struggled inwardly for something to say, taken aback by the sudden change of events. Being thrown into a conversation with Spock had not been something Jim had expected before tomorrow's Alpha shift. Things hadn't exactly been great between them since the turbolift incident last week.

Despite Spock's claim that he wanted a 'continuation of their agreement', they had only spoken to each other on a strictly professional basis for the past week. And anyway, that had been _before _his little show in the lift_. _ Jim had been starting to wonder if it was going to be like this from now on, if he had managed to scare Spock off for good this time.

"There is a matter I wish to discuss with you.", Spock's even voice cut through his musings.

Jim's head snapped up in surprise. Surely something work related could wait till tomorrow?

"Can't this wait till Alpha shift?", Jim said, rubbing his aching head, "I'm starving and haven't had a break in hours."

Spock tensed considerably, his hands vanishing behind his back as his form straightened and his expression closed off further.

Shit, what had he said now?

"The matter I had in mind was of... a personal nature.", the Vulcan replied stiffly, "It was inconsiderate of me to state such a desire when your need for recreation time was obvious."

This was not about the Enterprise?

"Oh", he replied intelligently and immediately felt the urge to hit himself.

He had almost missed this. Diplomacy was one of his strongest points after all...

"Good night, Captain."

"No", Jim blurted out, making Spock's eyebrow shoot up, "I mean, I thought this was something about work, but you know...How about you join me for dinner? In my room?"

Cringing inwardly, he hoped that it hadn't really sounded as suggestive as it had to Jim the moment it left his mouth.

Spock's gaze wavered sightly as if he was hesitating and Jim feared that he would be rejected. A second later, however, the dark eyes were back on him and the Vulcan straightened a bit further.

"That would be agreeable, thank you."

Jim swallowed, his throat suddenly dry.

-/-

"Is there anything you don't like?", Jim asked, busying himself with studying the menu next to the replicator, an excuse to avoid Spock's intense gaze.

Never having been a person who cared much about what he ate, Jim had spent no time on researching the usual Vulcan diet.

"Vulcans are vegetarians.", Spock replied evenly, still standing close to the door, as if it offered some kind of protection.

_Or escape...,_ Jim thought darkly.

Pushing his thoughts to the back of his head, Jim turned to look over his shoulder at his First.

"Uhm...how about pasta?"

Spock's inscrutable eyes were studying him intently, having never left him since entering the room. Jim wondered if he was trying to read him, unable to decide if he liked it or not.

"That would be agreeable.", he said, inclining his head slightly in the familiar fashion.

Jim simply nodded as he turned back to the replicator and chose a vegetarian pasta dish at random, trying to ignore the way his hand seemed to tremble.

Looking at Spock, Jim cleared still dry his throat.

"Why don't you sit down?", he said, trying to sound casual, "The food will be ready in a minute."

While the Vulcan complied, Jim threw a glance across the room. It was a mess, which was unsurprising, seeing as he had not expected a visitor, other than Bones maybe, but he knew Jim well enough not to care.

If Spock was disconcerted by the chaos, he didn't show it.

For a moment, Jim wondered what the Vulcan's room looked like. Did Spock even have that many personal items he could leave lying around?

The chime of the replicator tore him from his thoughts and Jim quickly retrieved their dinner. Placing one plate in front of his First and one opposite, Jim went back to the kitchen area to get two forks before he let himself fall into his chair.

The smell of food reminded Jim once again how hungry he actually was, despite the fact that he had little appetite. While stuffing the first forkful into his mouth, Jim raised his eyes to look over at Spock.

The Vulcan treated the dish in a more civilised way and Jim's gaze was immediately drawn to his lips just as they closed around the fork. Forgetting all about his hunger, Jim's eyes stayed glued to Spock's face as the Vulcan chewed slowly.

He had never seen him eat before, never even thought about him eating, which was probably ridiculous. The fantasies involving Spock's mouth played in a different setting entirely, therefore he was almost surprised at the heat pooling in his stomach while watching his First preforming such a mundane, everyday task.

Suddenly aware that Spock had stopped eating as well, Jim fought down the heat that threatened to flood his face. Pointedly ignoring the Vulcan's gaze, Jim ducked his head and focused his attention on his food instead.

The atmosphere, however, had already shifted and Jim knew that there was little chance in transforming it back into a less erotically charged one.

Nevertheless, Spock remained silent, resuming his meal after a few seconds and Jim fought the desire to look back up.

The silence lay over them like a heavy blanket and soon Jim was forcing the food down his throat without any favour. He was relieved when, finally, his plate was empty and he could push it away, sliding it closer to Spock's own, which had been cleared as well.

For a few moments they simply looked at each other. Jim shifted in his seat, Spock's intense dark eyes making not only his breathing harder.

Jesus, he had it so bad.

"So...", it came out more of a croak than anything else and Jim cleared his throat before continuing, "what was it you wanted to talk about?"

Spock was still scrutinizing him, his hands now hidden under the table, but Jim had the distant feeling that somewhere under the neutral façade, the Vulcan wasn't quite as calm as he wanted him to believe.

"I have reason to believe that you assume I am intentionally...monitoring your emotional state.", Spock said softly.

The quietness of the statement did not reduce the impact it had on Jim.

Obviously, Spock was serious about attempting a friendship, even under the current circumstances. Jim knew that being friends with the Vulcan would probably require a lot of talking – not to mention a lot of honesty.

Feeling his stomach knotting up, this time for entirely different reasons, Jim took a deep breath. He was about the worst person _ever_ to have deep, sincere conversations with. Not only did he avoid them as much as possible, he was also utterly unskilled in the field.

That was also most likely the reason why he had never managed (or wanted) to have a stable relationship.

Hell, even Bones was someone he usually preferred drinking rather than talking with, and the man was his best friend.

"I did not intend to make you uncomfortable, Jim.", Spock's voice broke into his thoughts, "Should you prefer to return to the purely professional relationship we have engaged in for the past week I will retire and refrain from seeking a more intimate basis of conversation in future."

Here it was. His easy way out.

If the chance had presented itself a few weeks ago, before his conversations with the older Spock and, most importantly, before the turbolift incident, Jim would have gladly fled from all of this. Would have turned away without looking back, like he always did when there was something _more _to deal with than he was used to.

But it wasn't a few weeks ago. It was now.

Jim knew so much more now and also not enough. Talking to Spock, the younger Spock, _his _Spock, had brought up so many more questions that he craved the answers to.

And he _wanted_ Spock. Too much to be able to simply walk away from it all. He wanted him so much that he would take him any way he could get him, a fact that scared the shit out of him, but also something he could no longer deny.

"Stay", he said simply.

They looked into each other's eyes for a long, silent moment before Spock inclined his head in acceptance.

"I don't know what to believe, Spock.", he said then, his words almost a sigh, "You never finished telling me how that telepathic thing works."

Jim tried not to think about _why_ Spock hadn't been able to finish exlaining it, namely because last time the conversation had sharply veered into a different direction. The Vulcan had been thoroughly distracted by the mind-meld he had shared with his other self. Something which Jim had no problem delaying talking about a bit longer.

"I mean, you said that Vulcan's are touch-telepaths, but you have caught onto my emotions even when we weren't touching. How does that work?"

"A strong mind can sense intense emotions without engaging in a physical connection.", Spock answered slowly, "I have experienced subtle traces of emotions from the human kind before, although not to the same extent as with you."

The whole concept was so alien to Jim, that wrapping his mind around it was all the more difficult.

"Why?", was all he could ask.

Spock didn't shift _exactly_, but Jim could detect the tiniest movement, his upper body tilting the slightest bit to the left before he answered him.

"I believe that minds with a certain amount of...compatibility are inclined to form a connection and are, therefore, more sensitive to their counterpart."

_Compatibility._

He couldn't help but think back to when the older Spock had used the same word. He had said that although, essentially, they were different from their alternate selves, their compatibility remained the same. Obviously, he had been right, though Jim had no idea where this compatibility would lead them.

"I see.", was all Jim could say, although he didn't 'see' at all if he was honest with himself.

This whole setting was slowly becoming as bizarre as their encounter in the lift. Here he was, sitting by a table with nothing but two empty plates, discussing the 'compatibility' of their minds with his First Officer.

Suddenly feeling just as trapped as he had in the turbolift a week ago, Jim needed to move and got up under the pretence of clearing the table. When he reached the kitchen area, he let out a deep breath as he placed the plates on the counter. He was dizzy from the emotional rollercoaster he had been on for the past few weeks, which only seemed to go round more loops as time passed.

Bracing himself, he turned around in order to return to the table but froze in place when he came face to face with Spock.

The Vulcan wasn't in his personal space, but still closer than usual, his hands at his sides for a change as he regarded him with one of his intense gazes.

"Pursuing a relationship of any kind because of emotional reactions goes against everything I have been raised to be, yet my mind will not rest until I have successfully cleared my confusion.", Spock's voice was deeper than usual, his eyes darker than Jim could ever remember seeing them.

His breath caught, his heart hammering against his chest so loudly that he was sure the Vulcan could hear it. Jim's palms were almost aching from the need to touch Spock again, only this time without the barrier of clothes between their skins.

But he didn't want to ruin this moment. Didn't want Spock to start mistrusting him and being on his guard because Jim was unable to restrain himself. He needed to be patient.

_I can do this!_, Jim told himself firmly.

So instead of touching him, Jim chose to keep talking, his fingers curling into his palms forming tight fists in the hope that it would make it easier to resist.

"'Clearing the confusion'.", Jim echoed quietly, his voice slightly hoarse, "That's what you said in the lift, too,...but I don't understand..."

Spock's fingers twitched. It was so subtle Jim would have missed it had he not looked down for the split of a second. They vanished behind his back only a short moment later, the muscles in his arms so tense Jim could see them straining through his blue shirt.

"Due to the regular exposure to your emotions I have become uncertain as to which ones originate from myself.", Spock said quietly.

Jim's attention was immediately drawn back to the Vulcan's face.

"Wha-Does that-Do you-", his thoughts completely scrambled, Jim sought for words, "You aren't sure? Does that mean you maybe want...something?"

The dizziness returned and his temples throbbed uncomfortably.

"I have been considering the possibility, yes."

Jim felt his knees go slightly weak and let himself lean back against the counter behind him, desperately trying to quench the feeling of hope that had awakened at Spock's last admission.

"I was hoping that prolonged exposure would help me understand and interpret the situation more efficiently.", Spock continued, the neutral and scientific construction of the sentences in undisputed contrast to his heated gaze and tense posture, "This is one of the reasons why I accepted your previous offer of getting better acquainted."

Slowly the pieces of the puzzle came together. Jim's slightly hazed mind was working overdrive to remember previous conversations between them in order to fit them into the right place.

Jim was unsure if he should feel offended by being treated like a science project. On the other hand, something in Spock's eyes disagreed with this comparison.

"So...becoming friends, yeah?", Jim blurted out, suddenly desperate to create a lighter atmosphere, "I must warn you, though, I'm not very good at it."

Although quite lame, the joke seemed to relax Spock and his shoulders fell slightly, his mouth transforming from the thin line into softly curved lips.

Nevertheless, the sentiment had been truer than Jim wanted to admit. He had no idea how he was supposed to build a friendship that didn't involve drinking or going out – leaving aside the fact that his potential friend was someone he felt a variety of unspeakable things for, the strongest of which was an attraction that set him on fire as soon as said person was in the same room with him.

"In this case we seem to have found a shared trait.", Spock stated calmly.

Despite himself, Jim felt his mouth stretching into a grin and his body relaxing into the counter, leaving him in a more familiar and casual pose.

"Why, Spock, you're getting better at your non-jokes."

Was it his imagination or had one corner of Spock's mouth just twitched slightly in response? Jim pointedly ignored the warm feeling spreading in his chest.

"Vulcans always seek to improve every skill."

Involuntarily, the burning desire that Jim had managed to push to the back of his mind was suddenly back as if it had sneaked up on him only to pounce unexpectedly.

Spock obviously felt it too, because almost on cue, both of them tensed up again. If this was how their friendship would be then Jim was sure to die from sexual frustration before Spock had any chance of 'clearing his confusion'.

Breathing hard, Jim's gaze was locked with the Vulcan's once more as the air seemed to sizzle between them. Spock was closer now than he remembered, so close that all Jim could see was his face, his cheeks slightly greener than usual. His gaze slid down to Spock's mouth and he involuntarily licked over his own as he thought about simply closing the space between them and finally _finally _joining them together.

_Definitely in my personal space now_, Jim thought distractedly as their breaths mingled into one.

Inhuman heat made Jim sweat, dampening his hair and sliding down his spine.

Spock's hands were at his sides again and Jim's lips parted in a voiceless gasp as a single hot finger brushed against his side briefly, leaving the spot to tingle and his heart beat twice as fast.

The touch was enough to shock Jim back to reality. Spock was not himself, not really. Jim's emotions were projected onto him and he was not going to use the Vulcan. He couldn't give in to this now only to regret it later and risk hurting Spock.

He refused to give in to his instincts and push the other away physically, partly because Jim was sure that he wouldn't manage to keep up his resolve as soon as he allowed himself to touch Spock. Instead, he forced himself to take a step to the side. And then another one, getting some distance between them. His quarters felt much cooler now that he wasn't close to Spock anymore and Jim shivered slightly, not sure if it was from cold or loss.

He could hear Spock inhaling sharply, but did not turn his head yet, needing a moment to compose himself. A moment to even his breathing and will down the arousal that had so readily sprung to life when Spock had touched him.

"I apologise-"

Jim finally looked at his First, the back of his hand wiping over his forehead in a quick, slightly shaky motion.

"Don't.", Jim interrupted him, voice steadier than he had expected, "If we do this, then no apologies, okay?"

There was a slight pause, but then Spock gave a sharp nod.

"I believe it would be fortunate to include some kind of distraction.", the Vulcan offered quietly.

Jim had to agree. If they continued like this it would either end with Jim's resolve crumbling and him jumping his First or with Spock unable to cope and fleeing his quarters. Or both.

There had to be something they could do. Something that didn't involve standing close to each other and breathing the same air while Spock got high on Jim's emotions and he himself was one step away from going insane with want.

Letting his gaze wander slightly, Jim took in the familiar surroundings. The little kitchen area, the table they had sat at before, a sofa, two armchairs and- of course!

Why hadn't he thought of this sooner?

Turning back to Spock, Jim allowed himself a slightly smug smile.

"Do you play chess?"

Spock's eyebrow went up the slightest bit, Vulcan control back in place.

"I do."


	7. Chapter 7

**Emotionally Compromised**

Pairing: Jim/Spock

Rating: PG-13 (for now)

Warnings: it's SLASH that means m/m love, don't like don't read

Disclaimer: i own nothing, and there is no copyright infringement intended. i also don't earn any kind of money by writing this.

**A/N.: **i'm SOOO sorry! i don't even wanna check the date i last updated, but i had major and i mean **MAJOR** problems with this chapter. originally it was about 8 pages longer, but i was so displeased that i deleted the last scene and then nearly drove myself crazy thinking about another way to do it. it resulted in lots of writing that led nowhere cause it was crap and i couldn't use it. this chapter has been finished over a week, but i was so disheartened that i didn't want to post it until i found a solution - which i FINALLY did yesterday! so i edited ch7 today and am finally able to post it now that i have found a satisfactory beginning for ch8, which should not take too long because i am back on track now!

sorry for the rant, but i really felt the need to apologise for the long wait. i really hope you are all still with me!

a big **THANK YOU** to ALL my reviewers & readers - i love you and will try be better about updating!

i'm so very glad you like my story and enjoy the UST. you will be glad to hear, however, that we are progressing ;)!

**p.s.:** in case you haven't seen it yet, i posted a little one-shot from Spock Prime's POV about him returning to his Jim. it's called **_Reunited_** and can be found on my page.

* * *

**Chapter 7**

Jim could feel Spock's eyes burning into him as he stared unseeingly at the chessboard in front of him. It was his move, but he could not seem to concentrate long enough even to consider the position of the pieces, let alone try to figure out a strategy to win.

Their games of chess had become a routine over the last few days. Indeed, almost a week had passed since Jim had asked Spock if he could play the game. Every night since then, Spock had never missed showing up at his door in the evenings, sometimes eating dinner with him, sometimes not.

On the surface, things seemed normal enough. They were neither avoiding each other completely nor lacking professionalism while on duty. Spock seemed as unmoved as ever, though when they were alone together Jim noticed that things had changed. It was very subtle and had he not spent the last months obsessing over Spock, he wouldn't have picked up on it.

Spock seemed somehow more at ease in his presence, his shoulders a bit less tense, his back lacking some of its former stiffness. Also conversation seemed to be offered more readily and the Vulcan had surprised Jim with his willingness to talk while they played.

Of course the subjects usually concerned work, sometimes even tending to lean a bit in the philosophical direction. They were both careful not to get too personal and as a result, neither of them had mentioned anything about their previous conversation about compatibility and Spock's uncertainty whether he had feelings for Jim or not.

And that bothered Jim. A lot.

He was an honest guy and he hated bullshitting. He knew Spock was making an effort to make this friendship – or whatever the hell it was – work, but he could recognise avoidance when he saw it, even when it wasn't physical.

Jim had to admit that in the beginning he had enjoyed focusing on something else and what he had enjoyed even more was Spock's regular presence. He knew he should be more worried about how much he liked the Vulcan's company, but somehow he just couldn't bring himself to care. If it was for him, Spock could live in his pocket for all he cared.

This, of course, was where the 'scared shitless part' had come into play. Ever since Jim had admitted this little fact to himself, he was back to square one.

He was tense, couldn't sleep and was highly irritable. Not to mention that the whole sexual frustration bit was making things worse. Much worse.

Jim had no idea when he had last managed to relax. He was constantly on guard, it seemed, trying to keep his emotions in check and almost gluing his hands to his sides in order to not touch Spock – be it only a friendly pat on the shoulder or something more intimate – not to mention that he was actually careful what came out of his mouth.

Dammit, he almost felt like a fucking Vulcan himself lately.

Except that he had jerked off more in the past week than he ever remembered doing – puberty included – and it had never had as little of an effect.

If Spock had sensed his tension, he had not shown it, but Jim was almost sure that he must have, which frustrated him even more. It wasn't fair that Spock could simply concentrate on chess and throw out some well-placed comments when Jim felt as if an inferno was slowly consuming him from the inside out.

This was not at all what he had expected.

_You expected his resolve to weaken, his control to snap and his very hot, very soft Vulcan mouth on yours. That's what you expected, Jim, and that's also the reason why beside being sexually frustrated, you are so angry you don't know where to put all of your energy._

Jim clenched his hands under the table, trying to shut out that damn inner voice that sounded like his best friend. Just because he was an honest guy didn't mean he couldn't lie to himself from time to time – or at least try to.

Involuntarily, his eyes rose to gaze at Spock over the board. All this deep thinking shit had only resulted in frustrating him further and as he drank in the form of his First, sitting so close yet so far away, all Jim could think of was to knock that damn chess set from the table, grab Spock and spread _him_ out on it instead.

It felt as if a very long time had passed since either of them had spoken.

"It seems your attention is preoccupied.", Spock said at last, smoothly, as he leaned back slightly, away from the chessboard, away from Jim.

He seemed unmoved, but Jim had seen the slight darkening of his eyes, the almost non-existent tremble of his fingers before they had vanished under the table as well.

Jim felt the deep urge to do something drastic in order to get a rise out of Spock. Angry, passionate or otherwise – but he fought it down.

He knew he was being unreasonable, knew that Spock wasn't infuriating on purpose. He had no right to be angry at the Vulcan for not melting into a puddle just because Jim was in the room with him. Spock had never actually admitted to even having feelings for him.

Jim had known from the very beginning that Spock had only reacted to him because his emotions had been projected onto the Vulcan. For all he knew, Spock could have already achieved his goal and managed to sort everything out in his head.

"_I was hoping that prolonged exposure would help me understand and interpret the situation more efficiently."_

Spock's former words echoed in his mind, more painful now than they had ever been.

How could he have been so wrong about all of this? Had the whole thing been wishful thinking?

"Jim?"

Spock's voice had been almost gentle and there was something in his eyes, though it was gone too quickly for Jim to read.

"Sorry, Spock.", he said, forcing a grin that made his facial muscles ache with fakeness, but he hoped would pass as apologetic, "I guess we'll leave it at that for tonight. I'm kind of tired."

Vulcan eyebrows drew together the tiniest bit.

"Very well.", Spock said, his neutral voice a sharp contrast to the subtle display of confusion, as he rose to stand.

Jim's chest tightened as he followed suit and followed his First to the door, which swished open. The sound was loud in the thick silence between them.

Just as Spock was about to exit, Jim opened his mouth, feeling the urge to say something. His head was spinning with everything that needed to be said.

Spock regarded him intently and paused as if having sensed Jim's need. On second thought, he probably had.

They were standing quite close together, though not close enough for Jim to feel Spock's breath. It had been a week since he had last been close to Spock and he missed it, knowing it was completely insane to miss something he had never even had in the first place.

Feeling his emotions fighting to surface, Jim took a sudden step backwards. He was not doing this again. He would not step closer to Spock only to refuse himself what he craved the most.

Spock was painfully passive, his face expressionless, his stance stiff and tense. There was no indication that he had felt Jim's desire. No slight tremble, no hitch in his breathing, nothing.

Jim didn't want to acknowledge it, wanted to switch off this annoying talent he had acquired over the past month when it came to reading Spock. He didn't want all of his hopes crushed with the realisation that it was over before it had even begun.

Taking a deep breath, Jim straightened, his own hands vanishing behind his back to hide the fact that they were shaking.

"Goodnight, Spock.", was what finally left his mouth, his voice heavy with unsaid words.

Spock inclined his head in the familiar fashion and Jim almost thought he might not answer verbally, when he replied.

"Goodnight, Jim."

Jim watched the Vulcan making a graceful exit, standing unmoving until the door shut behind him.

Slumping against the cool metal, Jim ran a still shaky hand through his hair.

He could not go on like this.

_-/-_

Jim rolled his overly tense shoulders, grimacing at the stabbing pain it caused.

As far as he could tell, sickbay was deserted, except for a tiny nurse rummaging quietly through a cabinet on the other side of the room, a glowing datapad next to her on one of the bio-beds.

Turning away, Jim followed the familiar path, some of his tension lessening already.

The door to Bones' office was open and he could see him sitting at his desk, deeply engrossed in whatever it was that he was currently doing. The glow of the computer made him look paler than usual.

With a hesitancy that was completely out of character, Jim halted in the doorway.

Bones looked up after a moment and the look of surprise on his face made him feel even worse.

"Well, look who found the way to my office.", he said gruffly as he leaned back in his chair, "And here I thought you'd forgotten it."

Jim looked at his feet before meeting his best friend's eyes once again.

"Can I come in?"

Bones frowned, doubtlessly put off at his strange behaviour.

"Of course, Jim.", he said, a familiar look of concern appearing on his face.

Jim entered, closing the door behind him. Instead of taking the only remaining chair in front of the desk, which he knew would make him feel like a patient, Jim simply walked over to the bookshelf stuffed with various datapads and let his eyes sweep over the collection of photograph's depicting Bones' daughter.

There was a new one of Joanna on a swing, laughing sweetly, her dress fluttering around her. She looked happy.

When he finally turned back to his best friend, Bones had switched off his computer and abandoned his work in favour of studying Jim with concerned eyes.

"Do you have something to drink?"

An eyebrow rose and Jim was momentarily fascinated at how different it looked on Bones than when Spock did the same.

Wordlessly Bones got up, unlocked his liquor cabinet and resurfaced with a full bottle of bourbon. Exactly what Jim needed.

Still unwilling to take the 'patient-chair', Jim settled on the ground behind the desk, leaning back against the wood.

It wasn't the first time they had gotten drunk on the floor of Bones' office and the familiarity of the surroundings and the presence of his best friend calmed Jim in a way he hadn't managed in weeks.

Bones settled beside him, placing the bottle and two glasses between them on the floor, and leaned back as well.

Jim busied himself with opening the bourbon and filling both glasses, handing one to Bones. They clinked glasses and Jim downed the first one in one go, feeling the alcohol burning down his throat, before refilling it.

Jim needed a few more big swallows before he could finally force words past his throat.

"I'm sorry.", was what chose to come out.

Bones frowned.

"I've been an ass this past week and I've ignored you for longer than that. That was shitty behaviour for a best friend.", he continued quietly, twirling the glass between his fingers.

Fingers. Long, slender fingers. Spock's fingers.

Jim felt sick.

"Too damn right it was.", Bones said, still watching him carefully, "So will you finally tell me what the hell's wrong?"

Jim had downed the next glass and took his time refilling it. He so needed to be properly drunk for this.

"It's that girl, isn't it?", Bones pressed on.

Jim took another sip, contemplating whether he should lie or not and suddenly felt very, very tired.

His head fell back and Jim could hear a rather loud 'thud', but felt no pain, at least not immediately.

"There is no girl.", he admitted, feeling defeated.

Jim could sense the frustration coming off Bones in waves and wondered if that's what it was like for Spock when he felt other people's emotions. When he felt Jim's.

"Goddammit, Jim!", Bones burst out, his patience having worn thin as it always did when he was concerned about Jim, or frustrated, or both, "I may not be an expert when it comes to women, but I damn well recognise heartache when I see it!"

Having downed his third glass of high percentage bourbon in a row, Jim could finally feel the effects of the alcohol. His vision had turned slightly fuzzy around the edges and his movements felt slower.

"Fine.", he snapped, "There's someone, okay? But it's not fucking working and I want to forget all about it. Preferably even my own name."

Bones regarded him silently for a very long moment.

Jim looked away first, grabbing for the bottle once more.

His eyes were burning like hell.

Suddenly a big, warm hand settled on his shoulder, squeezing gently, comfortingly.

"I'm sorry, Jim.", Bones said, his voice softer than he ever remembered it being, "It was bound to happen to you at some point too."

Jim felt every last bit of his strength leaving him as he slumped to the side, his head finding his best friend's shoulder.

Bones wrapped a rather awkward arm around him, patting him in a way that told Jim that he didn't know what else to do.

Somehow that amused Jim and he chuckled drunkenly into Bones' neck, though it sounded more like a sob when it left his lips.

His head was swimming and he tried not to think about what Bones had meant with his last words.

-/-

When Jim finally stumbled through the corridors in the direction of his quarters, it was already early morning and he was completely sloshed.

Bones, also far from sober, had offered to walk him back, but Jim had insisted he was fine and could manage on his own.

_And anyway, it would have been totally unfair if Bones had walked me here, 'cause then he would've had to walk aaall the way back again and that would just not do, right?_

Right.

Jim was glad that the corridors were deserted, not feeling at all like having people salute to a drunk captain. Also, it wasn't necessarily very responsible of him, he had been so good lately, but tonight was an exception. Just this once. Tomorrow he'd be good again.

Finally rounding the last corner, Jim cursed the distance in his mind. Why did the sickbay have to be so far from his rooms. Bloody inco-incon-venance? No: in-con-veni-ence. Shit, that word was even hard to _think_ right now.

What would Spock do if he got drunk? How would he be able to speak in all of his precise glory?

Somehow that thought was incredibly amusing all of a sudden and Jim sniggered into his hand, completely unaware of his surroundings.

That was probably why he didn't see Spock until he almost crashed into him when he finally reached the door to his rooms.

Strong, hot hands gripped his arms to keep him upright, Jim's own flying to Spock's waist to help his balance. It was almost exactly the same position they had been in when trapped in the turbolift almost two weeks ago.

His skin was tingling. He had missed it.

Jim knew he should let go, but just couldn't seem to get his hands to comply. Instead, they curled into Spock's blue shirt as his eyes rose to meet the Vulcan's.

Dark. So dark and so intense.

His heart was thumping violently in his chest and Jim could feel sweat breaking out on his forehead as his grip tightened involuntarily.

"Whadda ya doin' here?", Jim slurred out, frowning slightly because his drunken brain had problems comprehending how one moment he was being glad about empty corridors and the next he was in Spock's arms.

Although, of course, Spock's arms were much better than empty corridors.

"My quarters are located next to yours.", the Vulcan said evenly.

Jim frowned, blinking in the hope of improving his blurred vision, and needed a moment to comprehend the answer. Had that even been an answer?

Jim opened his mouth to ask exactly that, when he was suddenly distracted. Spock's lips were pressed together in a thin line and his jaw was tense. Even in his current state of mind Jim knew what that meant.

He didn't know why Spock was angry with him, but he knew that he didn't like it.

The Vulcan hadn't removed his hands yet and they seemed to burn through his uniform. He wanted them to stay there forever. Wanted them on every part of his body.

Inhibitions as good as non-existent, Jim gave in to the sudden urge that swept through him like a wave and leaned forward to press a soft, though poorly coordinated, kiss right where jaw met neck.

The skin under his lips was hot, smooth and somehow felt so _alive_, the muscles underneath tensing even further. Spock's grip on his arms tightened and became almost painful. Jim didn't care, maybe even relishing in the fact that there would be marks left. He couldn't help but run the tip of his tongue over the same spot he had just kissed, wanting, _needing_ to know how it tasted.

There was a slight tinge of salt, although not nearly as much as he would have found on a human, combined with a strange _something_ that was so Spock yet alien at the same time.

Spock's throat moved as he swallowed, everything else remaining utterly motionless.

Jim wondered if his eyes were closed.

Letting his nose touch the spot behind one pointy ear, Jim inhaled deeply, wanting to discover if the scent would be anything like the taste and wasn't disappointed. At the same time, Jim's hands detangled themselves from the shirt, sliding up Spock's sides and further back until they reached his rigid spine. Jim slowly ran one of his hands over it, feeling every bone of Spock's vertebra. The fabric was rough under his fingers and he wished it would simply vanish so Jim could explore more of the hot smoothness that was Spock's skin.

He wasn't sure if he had imagined the slight tremble that had run through the Vulcan's form.

Jim was panting, but nothing could be better than drawing in Spock's scent with every breath.

He refused to think about what he was doing, for once he simply wanted to _feel_.

Taking a step forward, he pressed his body against the much hotter one in front of him, finally able to know what it felt like. None of his fantasies could ever even come close to this.

For the first time tonight, Jim actually wished he was sober. His brain was just too slow and his senses all over the place. He was dizzy and his stomach felt as if his organs had decided to knot themselves together.

Suddenly, he felt unbearably sick.

Everything seemed to crash down on him this very moment. The uncertainty, the pain, the desperate need, the frustration, that feeling he was afraid to think too much about because he was too scared to find out what it actually was…

And then there were arms around him. Strong arms that held him close, held him safe. And there was hot breath on his neck and a smooth cheek pressed against his own.

And it all felt so good, so safe and he was so very tired and so very sick but he wanted to fight against the darkness that had crept into his vision and spread out further and further, he wanted to stay like this forever, wanted to stay in Spock's hot embrace but he could feel himself slipping away, even as his grip became desperate, fingers curling, almost clawing into Spock's shirt to stay, just stay, but it was to no avail, he was slipping, slipping into blackness, darkness…_Spock_…

-/-

The first thing that Jim was aware of was the familiar feeling of the pounding in a head that felt far too big to be his. From experience he knew it was probably better to remain still for a little while before he tried to move.

There was a disgusting taste in his mouth and Jim wondered if he had thrown up.

His limbs felt heavy and his muscles were aching. Jim never wanted to move again. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt this sick.

Slowly Jim opened his eyes, his lids peeling away from each other uncomfortably, leaving his vision blurry. At least the room was dark – one positive side effect of being in space. Blinking a few times, Jim finally managed to chase the fuzziness away enough to be able to see clearly.

When he first turned his head, very carefully, to look at his chronometer, he couldn't make out the numbers that were shining accusingly at him. The red light felt like a blade stabbing at his brain.

_One_., Jim squinted slightly, _Zero. Zero. Zero._

It was 10 in the morning.

Having accomplished that, Jim desperately tried to remember what day it was and when he was supposed to appear on the bridge for his shift.

It wasn't that he was glued to his chair all day, watching his crew work at their stations, but Jim always went up at the beginning of his shift to ask for updates and reports, before doing some paperwork in his quarters or the briefing room.

Morning was the only time of day he could be bothered with reports and at least that was a good way of killing some work before he was buried in it so deeply that he didn't know what to do first.

_I guess today's not a paperwork-day._, Jim thought dryly.

Just when he thought he desperately needed a drink Jim spotted a glass of water on his bedside table and reached for it, his movement still uncoordinated. Spilling some of its contents, Jim managed to wrap his fingers around the cool surface. When he finally gulped down the water, feeling it run down his parched throat, he couldn't have been more grateful for it if he tried.

_Spock must have left it there last night_, Jim mused before he froze.

As if on cue, memories flooded back into his brain.

Strong arms, hot, smooth skin under his lips, under his tongue, stiff muscles, burning hands, a body pressed against his own, the need, the relief and then…

Nothing.

Had he passed out? Had Spock put him to bed?

And more importantly, what the hell had Spock been doing in front of his quarters in the middle of the night?

Completely confused and disoriented, Jim looked down at himself. He was still fully dressed, although his outer shirt was missing, as were his boots.

Oh my god, he had kissed Spock's neck, had held on to him…but Spock had held him back?

Jim was shaking. The whole situation was out of control. He had no idea what had actually happened, as much as he tried to make sense of it through the haze of alcohol and nausea.

Unthinkingly, he sat up, wanting to move, but soon found out it had been a very bad idea as his stomach gave a violent lurch.

Dizzy and with a hand pressed to his mouth, Jim stumbled across the room, not failing to bump into several things on the way, and rushed into the bathroom, sinking down in front of the toilet, grasping the cold porcelain with his hands, his damp palms sliding across the smooth surface.

Bitter bile flooded Jim's mouth, the retches seeming never ending and the more he tried to tighten his grip on the toilet, the sweatier his hands became.

Finally his throat stopped trying to choke him and he slumped against the cold toilet, trembling all over. Jim forced himself to take deep breaths and got up on shaky legs, supporting himself on the toilet tank, letting his fingers press down on the side to flush.

Swaying over to the sink, he bent over it to let icy cold liquid run over his outstretched hands. Grateful for the grounding effect, Jim stood motionlessly for a few moments, feeling his hands become numb from the cold, before bending down further to drench his face and rinse out his mouth.

The second he looked up into the mirror he regretted it. He looked like hell.

Shit, he must have had a lot to drink.

Usually, Jim wasn't sick when he drank too much, but last night had obviously been an exception. Oh god, how was he supposed to get through his shift?

Or more importantly, how was he going to face Spock?

Leaving the bathroom with a million questions chasing each other round his head, Jim was just about to open his closet when the chime on his door sounded.

Jim froze.

The chime sounded again.

Approaching the door on shaky legs, Jim already knew who he would find when he pressed the door's sensor.

"Spock", he acknowledged hoarsely, feeling his headache worsen, nothing able to prepare him for the hitch in his breath and the immediate acceleration of his heartbeat.

The Vulcan looked composed and perfect as ever, not at all as if he had been up all night and put his drunk Captain to bed.

"Captain", Spock replied smoothly, although Jim was sure he could detect some frostiness in his undertone.

Jim frowned, but upon taking in the thinness of Spock's lips and the tightness of his jaw, he knew that he that the Vulcan was just as angry as he had appeared last night. He still had no clue as to what could have aggravated him, however.

Though knowing he wasn't up for it, Jim stood back nevertheless, wordlessly inviting the Vulcan in.

Although Spock didn't brush against him, Jim could feel the heat of his body as he passed him on the way further into the room.

Drawing a deep, shaky breath, Jim closed the door and turned to face his First, who stood in the middle of his living area, stiff as a board and eyes trained on him. Jim could find no warmth in his gaze.

"I see you have regained consciousness.", Spock said, his hands vanishing behind his back in the familiar fashion.

Jim tried to ignore the underlying sharpness, though couldn't help wincing inwardly. Not knowing what else he could say, Jim merely shrugged.

"I do not have to remind you of the number of Starfleet regulations you disregarded with your actions early this morning.", Spock continued, eyes boring into him, "As the Captain of this vessel you are to act as an example. I do not think intoxicated stumblings through the corridors act well as such."

Although having expected a tongue lashing on the subject, Jim felt himself getting annoyed. He hated when people thought they could tell him what to do or not.

"So I fancied getting drunk.", Jim bit out, "I hardly believe that I'm the only one on this ship who has."

As a matter of fact, he was well aware that Bones wasn't the only one with a secret stash of alcohol.

"Indeed.", Spock replied smoothly, though the set of his jaw tightened even further, "I believe Dr. McCoy was quite successful in aiding you."

Jim stared at him. There was something about Spock in this moment, a look in his eyes that Jim had never seen before, that he could not place. At the same time, he would not have been surprised had a big, glowing question mark appeared over his head at Spock's words.

_How had he…?_

"How the hell do you know where I was or with whom I chose to get drunk?"

Spock tensed a bit more, his gaze darting slightly to the side before meeting Jim's once more. Jim was pleased to note his discomfort.

He was not going to be the one to get x-rayed by Spock's dark eyes without giving as good as he got. What right did the Vulcan think he had lecturing him about his duties and even personal preference of activities after going all neutral and distant on him?

"Upon finding your quarters empty yesterday evening I saw it as my duty to ensure your well-being.", Spock replied stiffly.

Jim stared at him, anger suddenly swept away by the warmth he was trying to fight from spreading in his chest.

"You were concerned?", he asked quietly, incredulously.

Although Spock did not move, his gaze shifted slightly, avoiding Jim's, and resembled more that of a caged animal seeking escape.

"You had not informed me of a change in your plans.", the words were not accusing, though there was something else in Spock's undertone that Jim had problems deciphering.

Involuntarily, Jim took a step towards his First, the sudden urge to reduce the space between them overwhelming.

"It wasn't something I had planned.", he felt the need to explain, but didn't really know what to say, "I needed a break, needed to relax."

Immediately, the atmosphere seemed to turn to ice again as Spock's shoulders tensed even further and his gaze looked more like a glare than anything else. It reminded him of the way the Vulcan used to look at him before they had beamed aboard the Narada together.

Jim was taken aback by the sudden change, the warmth in his chest replaced by the feeling of having swallowed several ice cubes.

"I see.", Spock's voice was clipped, full of edges, "In future I would welcome it if you could inform me beforehand should you prefer the doctor's company to mine."

And suddenly Jim knew. It was as if lightning had struck him, so sudden was his realisation.

"You're jealous!", he exclaimed in triumph, while at the same time hardly able to believe it.

Taking another step in the Vulcan's direction, Jim felt like throwing a fist in the air to express the burst of exhilaration running through his body.

"Your assumption is most illogical.", Spock's voice sounded almost strained, his protest weak and ineffective.

Jim was not to be swayed. Not this time, not when he felt he was finally close to winning.

"The hell it is!", he said firmly, taking another step closer to the Vulcan, "That's why you were in front of my quarters last night, isn't it? You wanted to check up on me, wanted to scold me for being with Bones instead of you."

As Jim kept advancing, slowly but steadily, he thought Spock looked like he was forcing himself not to take a step back.

_Oh no, Spock_, he thought heatedly,_ there will be no escaping from the truth. Not this time._

"Conversation seemed futile, seeing as you were too intoxicated to remain upright.", the Vulcan was obviously not intending to surrender.

"Is that why you decided to lend a helping hand?", Jim shot back smugly, not able to keep the smirk from his lips.

Spock's cheeks turned slightly greener.

"I apologise. I did not mean to leave you with a misassumption.", the words were uttered quickly, though smoothly, "I was merely taken by surprise at your emotions."

Jim froze. The ice cubes were back.

"Bullshit.", it was a little more than a breath, uttered almost in desperation.

Silence stretched between them and Jim was unable to look away from Spock's face, trying to get a glimpse of his dark eyes in order to confirm the Vulcan's earlier words, but Spock would not meet his gaze.

"I think it is best that I leave.", he offered quietly, head turned to the side.

Something in Jim simply snapped.

"Do you think that if you run away from it long enough it will just go away?", he had not meant it to sound so accusing, but his patience seemed all but gone, washed away by the hurt, "Been there, done that. It doesn't work like that Spock, and I sure as hell won't go on playing stupid games with you!"

The Vulcan's head turned sharply, finally meeting his gaze. Instead of the coldness he had expected, there was a fire in his eyes that just begged to be stoked.

"You cannot compare yourself to me.", Spock said tightly, his form trembling with suppressed emotions, "You do not know the Vulcan ways."

"But you aren't a full Vulcan, Spock!", Jim suddenly burst out in anger, voice far above the normal volume as if shouting would help the Vulcan see sense, "You are half human! Only because you choose to ignore it doesn't mean it's not there! I can't believe how hard you're fighting to suppress who you are!"

Jim was shaking, unable to hold back any longer now that the barriers had finally broken down.

"Do not speak of things you have no knowledge of.", this time Spock's voice was dangerously low, his hands suddenly at his sides only to curl into fists.

Ignoring the alarm bells that had come to life in his brain to deliver a shrill warning, Jim pressed on.

He would not back down, dammit!

"I know you loved your mother. Do you think she would have wanted you to lead such a life? Wouldn't she be hurt that you are ashamed of who- of _what_ she was?"

And just like that, Spock's expression was suddenly blank, wiped of all emotion so perfectly that any Vulcan would have been envious.

The words hovered between them, the silence almost suffocating for the duration of the moment when they were both simply staring at each other.

Although physically not far apart, Jim suddenly had the feeling that there were worlds between them. He could not remember when Spock had last seemed so unbearably unreachable to him, when the distance keeping them separated had ever been greater than this very minute.

When Spock finally spoke, it sounded perfectly neutral.

"You of all people have no right to address the subject of my mother."

The words were like a slap in the face.

"_You of all people should know, Cadet Kirk, a captain cannot cheat death."_

Spock's voice resounded in Jim's head, a perfect mirror of the words just spoken aloud. How could he have thought that things had changed between them?

He felt as if he was back in the academy, his back to the red sea that was his fellow cadets facing Spock, his 'accuser', and trying to defend himself only to be deflected with cold logic. Unforgiving. Unfeeling.

"Like you had no right to address the subject of my father?", the words were cutting now, intentionally chosen to cause pain, "Maybe you should choke me again, you know, for good measure. To get your point across."

And when Jim saw the look in Spock's eyes he knew he had succeeded. The unmistakable pain was raw and deep, deprived of anger. It was the same look Spock had worn after he had nearly choked Jim into unconsciousness.

Jim stood there, unable to move or say anything. His chest felt tight, his throat dry and the need to simply touch Spock was overwhelming. He wanted to reach out, but his hands would not move, his body still frozen with shock over how this had all managed to escalate like this.

Spock looked away, fighting for composure, before stepping around him and exiting the room. He had been swift and silent, though Jim had seen the almost unnoticeable way he had trembled.

The closing of the door felt as if someone had slammed a fist in his stomach. His forehead and his palms were suddenly slick with sweat although he shivered from the cold. There was a familiar pressure at the back of his throat and Jim bolted for the bathroom

He almost didn't reach the toilet in time.


	8. Chapter 8

**Emotionally Compromised**

Pairing: Jim/Spock

Rating: PG-13 (for now)

Warnings: it's SLASH that means m/m love, don't like don't read

Disclaimer: i own nothing, and there is no copyright infringement intended. i also don't earn any kind of money by writing this.

**A/N.: **hiya everyone! i hope you are proud of me for updating quicker than usual AND it being the longest chapter till now as well! things are progressing nicely and i am enjoying writing more than ever :) !

btw, i wanted to strangle the boys last chapter myself, haha.

**BIIIG THANK YOU to all my reviewers, i love you!**

also, someone asked if the rating will go up and the answer is: yes, it defenitely will. i can't possibly tease all of you that much with all the UST and not give you some proper action, can i? rofl i will put a warning at the beginning of the chapter as soon as the rating changes and you will also be able to see it when i change the overall rating of the story.

i hope i haven't missed answering any questions, but it's 2AM and i worked all night to finish this chapter in order to be able to post it tonight so my brain has turned to mush, - sorry haha!

can't wait to read your comments! see you at ch9, will do my best to update soon!

* * *

**Chapter 8**

The observation deck was empty and quiet. Jim was glad of the silence, his thoughts having been too loud all day to deal with other people as well. His head was still aching.

The fight with Spock two nights ago had left him raw and listless, unable to concentrate on anything else other than replaying it in his mind over and over again. The words were still fresh, burning into him on different levels every time.

His forehead made contact with the cold surface of the transparent aluminium. It was a sharp contrast to the heat of Spock's skin and offered no comfort.

Letting the air leave his lungs in a sigh, Jim watched a patch of fog build where his hot breath met the glass-like metal. His eyes fell shut briefly as he tried to gather his wits and find the strength to tear himself away.

The last two days had to be the worst he'd had since becoming Captain of the Enterprise.

He had felt torn and miserable over their argument and Spock had not shown himself on the bridge once while Jim had been on duty, locked away in the lab under the pretence of some important science project.

Jim had no reasonable argument to have Spock report to the bridge, seeing as they had been in space dock until this evening for a check over that Starfleet had ordered after their last adventure with the wormhole and in order to restock the medical supplies they had left on Epsilon Omega.

Activity on the bridge had almost been non-existent, so Jim had spent his time mostly checking in with engineering to talk to Scotty and get an update on the state of his ship and do all the paperwork that had managed to grow into a mountain on his desk.

He had visited Bones to see how he was holding up, but his best friend was busy doing the inventory for the new supplies and had little time to spare. It had left Jim uncomforted and feeling more alone than before.

His head was once again far too busy thinking to let him sleep, which had left Jim walking holes into the carpet of his quarters like the insomniac he was. At least he had gotten his paperwork done.

But Jim could only stand being locked in his rooms for so long.

Agitated and with the feeling the ceiling might drop upon his head any minute, he had decided to escape the confines of his quarters, thinking that it might help getting away from the place where that god-awful fight had shattered him to pieces.

Of course it hadn't.

Which was why he was standing on the deserted observation deck in the middle of the night, tired and frustrated and his mind overflowing with thoughts and memories.

When he opened his eyes again, endless darkness dotted with millions of bright stars was all he could see for a moment. Jim wondered if it was possible to lose oneself in this sight, thought that maybe he wanted to.

Blinking, Jim tried to dismiss his strange thoughts and when he looked at the metal again, all he could see was his reflection. And Spock's.

As if he'd suddenly been burned, Jim jerked back, whirling around to find out if the Vulcan was actually in the room with him, or if it had been his over-active imagination.

But Spock was there, solid and real, standing stock still as if he had frozen as soon as he had taken a step into the room.

There was silence for a moment, their breathing the only thing that was heard as they stared at each other.

Jim was at a loss, his throat so tight he doubted he would have been able to get something out even had he known what to say.

"I apologise, I did not know…", Spock said, trailing off uncharacteristically.

His voice was smooth and deep, but much more quiet than usual as if he didn't really want to break the silence between them.

There was another moment of complete stillness, as if time had frozen, before the Vulcan inclined his head and turned slightly, obviously with the intention to leave.

It was enough to shock Jim out of his stupor.

"No, please", he croaked, his throat feeling sore, "Don't go."

As if to underline his words Jim took a step in Spock's direction, at the same time the other turned back towards him, slowly.

"Can we talk?", Jim asked with a hesitancy that was unusual for him, but had become recurring since this whole…mess with Spock had started.

The Vulcan straightened slightly and Jim knew that his hands would vanish behind his back before it even happened. Although it was supposed to be a neutral gesture, Jim always felt that it was just another way for Spock to bring even more distance between them.

"We may, although I am convinced that the particular topic you have in mind was exhausted two nights ago.", Spock said calmly, though Jim was sure he could detect something in his eyes that betrayed that fact.

Jim shook his head, involuntarily taking another step closer to Spock, drawn in like a moth to the flame. His heart was beating too fast in his chest, making it ache.

"Two nights ago was fucked up.", he said firmly, eyes now fixed on the Vulcan, "I had no right to attack you and the things I said…I shouldn't have- I was harsh and I hurt you, which really…it's the last thing I want to do, but-but you did, too."

Jim took a shaky breath, feeling sick with the honesty of that whole, stuttered statement. He couldn't remember a time when he had felt more vulnerable.

Spock regarded him intently, something in his eyes changing, softening.

"I am aware of that fact", he said quietly, "though it was not my intention."

Jim swallowed, his throat feeling too tight, and took another step closer to the Vulcan, then another.

"There's something else I need to know", he finally halted, so close that he could feel the heat of the Vulcan's body, "When I was drunk that night…and-and you held me, was that just, you know, 'cause you knew I was gonna pass out? Or was there…another reason?"

Spock's gaze shifted, looking away for a moment, out of the window. Stars reflected in his dark eyes and Jim couldn't remember when he had last seen something as beautiful as this.

Acting on impulse, Jim lifted a hand and carefully, gently traced Spock's perfect jaw line, feeling the hot, soft skin beneath his fingers and an echo of the Vulcan's racing pulse.

Spock's eyes were back on him instantly, even deeper and darker than before.

"Jim", he said softly, saying his name in _that_ voice, "I do not think it wise to engage in such a relationship. Our positions on this ship as well as the risk of distraction that would result are strong enough arguments against it."

Jim let his hand fall away, his breathing slightly irregular from the proximity of the Vulcan.

He titled his head slightly, almost no space left between them. Their breaths mingled.

"So tell me, Spock, if we hold ourselves back. If we keep trying to play this game, then it won't distract us?", Jim breathed, staring deeply into Spock's eyes, "What's the real reason? What are you so scared of?"

His hands twitched with the desire to touch, but Jim curled his fingers into his palms, trying to maintain enough focus to have a reasonable conversation.

"I merely think that you are unaware of the seriousness of entering a relationship with a Vulcan. With me.", Spock said, voice low and smooth, gliding down his spine like a caress, "I am unsure whether you are willing to give me what I desire."

And just like that, all determination to keep his hands to himself vanished as Jim's palms made contact with Spock's arms, fingers closing firmly, curling into the blue sleeves of his uniform.

The fabric felt uncomfortable as it grew slightly damp from the perspiration of his hands, which resulted both from nervousness and Spock's burning skin.

"Anything.", Jim promised heatedly, meaning every word and trying to keep the desperate edge out of his voice, his grip tightening as if the intensified contact would make the Vulcan believe him more readily, "You can have anything you want, as long as you stop pushing me away."

Spock was trembling under his touch, his own hands tight fists at his sides.

"You do not know what you are promising.", the protest was weak, though enough to underline the fact that he was still fighting.

Jim's breath left him in a single frustrated exhalation.

"Spock, I want you!", he said firmly, trying not to shake Spock in the hope of making him see sense, "You _know_ how much I want you. Why are you making this all so damn difficult?!"

Spock's gaze shifted again, his head turning sideways, unwilling to look at Jim as he answered.

"Because I do not want to merely be a body warming your bed.", it was so quiet that Jim was sure he wouldn't have been able to hear it had he not been this close to the Vulcan.

Jim's mouth was suddenly dry.

Involuntarily his hands loosened their tight grip on Spock's arms, sliding upwards to his shoulders, then his face, cupping it.

"Is that what you think?", Jim asked as he urged Spock to look at him, turning his face so their eyes could meet once more, "Spock, I would never- It would _never-_ I want _you_. This isn't just about sex. How can you not know that?"

His wrists were suddenly on fire, Spock's fingers curling around them, whether to hold Jim in place or push him away he did not know.

But both their hands stayed where they were and Jim was almost sure he could feel Spock pressing closer instead of seeking distance.

"I am aware that in our current situation you are convinced of this, that, however, does not mean you will not tire of me in the near future."

Jim sighed again, the pads of his thumbs trailing a soft, horizontal trail over Spock's high cheekbones just as the tips of his fingers caressed the soft black hair behind the pointy ears that Jim had fantasised pressing kisses to more times than he could count, still fascinated at how alive the Vulcan's skin felt beneath his touch.

His mouth curved into a strained smile that had nothing to do with amusement.

"I don't think that's possible", he said tiredly, "Don't you trust me? Even a little bit?"

Jim refused to sound hopeful, even though he knew Spock could probably feel his emotions as clearly as his own considering their physical contact and the intensity of the moment.

Spock's hands were still on his wrists and Jim was almost sure he could feel the brief, faint caress of thumbs stroking over his pulse points, making him shiver and ache with need.

"As your First Officer-", the Vulcan began with a forcefully controlled voice, obviously desperate to cling to some kind of formality as if it would change the intimacy between them.

Jim cut him off, unwilling to return to playing games.

"I don't mean on an official level. I'm not your Captain right now.", he said firmly without rising his voice, "I want to know if you trust _me_."

Spock's hands slid away, leaving his wrists cold and tingling, but Jim refused to break contact, refused to erect walls he had broken down with so much hard work.

His hands slid down slightly, one closer to the nape of the Vulcan's neck, stroking through straight, black hair, while the other rested gently on the side of his throat, now clearly feeling the erratic pulse under his fingers.

Spock neither protested nor withdrew, although his form stiffened slightly.

"It is not something which comes easily to me.", he hedged, eyes darting around the room once more avoiding Jim's own.

He leaned even closer, fingers curling into Spock's hair with no intention of giving up.

"Spock", Jim loved saying his name almost as much as he loved hearing his own uttered by the Vulcan, eyes boring into Spock's and waiting until he met his gaze again, "Do you trust me?"

Breath as hot as a desert breeze hit his face as Spock exhaled heavily.

"Yes", the word was hardly more than the breath before it.

Jim felt his mouth curve again, though this time it was genuine, his chest tight and warm with emotion.

"Good.", he said softly, "Then I ask you to trust me with this. I'm really out of my depth here, I'm as new to all of this as you, but I want to try. If you want to, that is."

Spock's hands twitched slightly at his sides and Jim feared they would vanish behind his stiff back again, but in the end they simply curled towards his palms, forming a loose fist.

"Jim", he said, voice back to sounding smooth and controlled.

Suddenly, Jim was afraid of Spock's answer. His hands fell away, reluctantly breaking their intimate contact in order to wave them around in an outburst of nervousness.

"We'd take things slow, of course. I can wait.", he babbled, before the Vulcan could carry on, "I wouldn't do anything you don't want and-"

"Jim", Spock said firmly, interrupting the quick stream of promises, "I want to try."

It took Jim's brain a moment to comprehend the words he had heard, hands frozen in mid-air. After all the fighting and pushing he had not thought Spock would agree to his offer without further argument.

When they had finally sunk in, Jim could feel his lips stretching into the first real smile in days. The rush of happiness made him feel giddy and excited.

Within seconds he had pressed himself against the Vulcan, arms sliding around his neck, unable to bear the remaining distance any longer.

Every muscle in Spock's body seemed to tense, before he relaxed a moment later, strong arms coming around Jim in a tentative embrace, one hot hand cupping his shoulder blade, the other his hip.

Spock's breath was burning against the side of his face and Jim's grip on the Vulcan only tightened, his head turning to be able to inhale his scent. His skin was tingling pleasantly.

Unable to resist, Jim mouthed a gentle kiss on the Vulcan's neck, relishing the fact that this time he was sober and aware that the gesture was welcome.

Spock shivered slightly and Jim pressed even closer, afraid the Vulcan would draw back any second. But he didn't and the hot arms stayed right were they were, the hand on his hip leaving a burning trail as it slid to his lower back.

"We should relocate.", the words were quiet, making Jim tremble as hot air brushed over his ear, "It is possible we might be seen by members of the crew."

Jim almost said that he couldn't care less about what his crew thought, but he knew that Spock was uncomfortable with the prospect and so he simply sighed and pulled back slowly.

"Is that the Vulcan way of saying: Do you want to come back to my room?", Jim joked gently, needing a break from all the seriousness.

The grin from before was back full force and widened even more when he saw the soft amusement in Spock's eyes.

"I believe it is.", he said smoothly, one corner of his mouth lifting the tiniest bit.

Jim let go completely, feeling the loss immediately though comforted with the knowledge he would be able to touch Spock again as soon as they were in a more private place.

"Lead the way.", he said simply.

_-/-_

Weariness had made his limbs heavy with fatigue as he collapsed bonelessly on the couch in Spock's living quarters. It looked as if no one had ever sat on it before, the cushions soft when they caught his fall.

The lights were low, probably no more than 20% and only illuminating the living area, leaving the kitchen area dark with shadows. The only other light came from a room at the far end, a soft glow shining through an open door which Jim knew belonged to the bedroom.

Jim had no idea how his body had managed to become this exhausted from the walk from the observation deck to Spock's quarters. He had not expected it, but should not have been surprised considering his lack of sleep and constant restlessness these past few months.

Crashes such as these had happened to him before, as if his body was functioning on a steady stream of adrenaline until it simply ran out and he felt ready to pass out. After the first time it had happened in the Academy, Bones had made it his personal concern to stop it happening again, reminding him to sleep, threatening him with hyposprays and various medicines to help him should he be unable (or unwilling) to rest. They had become rarer after that.

The cushions dipped slightly to his right and he forced his heavy eyelids open, blinking drowsily at Spock, who was now sitting next to him, their bodies almost but not quite touching.

His eyes were warmer than he had ever seen them. Jim wanted to touch him again.

"You are in need of rest, Jim.", he said quietly and probably having sensed his need, Spock reached out a hand to ghost a fleeting caress over his cheek.

The touch left a streak of the familiar tingling sensation behind, though it was much more intense than he ever remembered it being. There was a flash of _something_, though Jim wasn't exactly sure what it was. It almost felt like some hidden knowledge had suddenly been implanted into his skin with the Vulcan's touch, though Jim was too unskilled to be able to decode it.

Jim blinked slowly and Spock's words finally sank into his brain.

"I don't want to go.", Jim whispered, the prospect of leaving for his own empty quarters leaving him with a cold feeling in his chest.

It sounded pitiful even to his own ears. Spock's gaze softened even more and Jim thought that if acting pathetically would earn him a look like this he didn't care how unmanly it might be.

"You are welcome to stay.", Spock said softly.

Jim stared at him. He wasn't quite sure his tired mind had actually grasped the meaning of those last words.

"I am?", he asked, sounding as sleepy and stupid as he felt.

Spock looked faintly amused, not answering verbally. Instead he gently helped Jim stand, practically lifting him from the couch with his inhuman strength, nudging him into the direction of the dim light.

Jim staggered as if drunk, but Spock held him, an arm around his waist, their sides pressed tightly together.

It was only when Jim saw Spock's bed that he finally realised the true meaning of staying. His heart was suddenly slamming against his ribcage and he felt slightly dizzy with excitement and nervousness.

He straightened slightly, taking in his surroundings and trying to find some of his composure.

Spock's bed was unsurpringly tidy. There was nothing on it except white sheets, which were tucked tightly into the sides, giving it a smooth and impeccable look. Jim thought it looked like the beds you find in hotel rooms.

It was a far cry from his own. Although the layout was the same, the problem with providing double beds for only one person had always been the same for Jim. He ended up cluttering the side he didn't use, strewing out almost anything in his possession next to him. He wasn't really sure if it was mere laziness or the simple fact that it got pretty lonely in such a big bed after some time.

"Spock...", Jim said his name because he didn't know what else to say, hesitancy heavy in his voice as he turned to look at him.

The Vulcan's face was shrouded in darkness and Jim could make out little beside the soft glint of Spock's dark eyes. They looked warm and almost...nervous?

Although they were standing close together, they weren't touching anymore and Jim already missed the physical contact.

"Should you feel uncomfortable with the current situation I could accompany you to your own quarters.", Spock offered quietly.

Jim could see the slight tremor in his hands now and knew that he had been right about the Vulcan being nervous. It was disturbingly endearing, making Jim's chest feel too small for the warmth spreading there.

"I want to stay.", he reassured him softly.

Spock relaxed instantly, inclining his head slightly.

Turning back towards the bed that looked as if it had been cut out of a brochure, Jim drew a deep, shuddering breath, feeling ridiculously nervous for someone who had screwed more people than he could even remember. Not to mention that tonight had absolutely nothing to do with sex.

But maybe that was the problem. Had it been about sex, Jim was sure he would have been able to handle things perfectly fine. This, whatever it was they were doing, was something Jim had absolutely no experience with, something he had never thought he would ever attempt, or even want.

To hell with it. He could save the world, fuck his way through half the cadets in the Academy but was unable to simply _lie down on a bed_?

With newfound determination, Jim toed off his boots, kicking them aside, all the while trying to avoid looking at Spock, who was standing motionlessly behind him, following every movement with his eyes.

The bed was soft and the sheets smooth under his touch. They smelled fresh and clean and Jim could not help but think that he would have preferred them to be older, with Spock's scent lingering on the fabric.

While Jim was busy fantasising about Spock's sheets, the bed dipped slightly and he looked up to find the Vulcan sitting across from him, dark eyes deep and unreadable as they studied his face.

Jim swallowed, but forced himself not to think too much, simply letting his head find the pillow, eyes never leaving Spock's as the Vulcan followed suit.

Stuffing his left hand beneath his pillow simply because Jim didn't know what else to do with it, he let his right one rest in front of him, palm pressed onto the smooth sheets right next to where Spock's own hand was resting. If Jim spread his fingers just a little he would be able to touch it.

Jim's eyes fell shut, but he forced them back open, unwilling to look away from Spock's face now that he had permission to study it as much as he wanted. The light was even dimmer than before, plunging the room into almost complete darkness, but Jim could still make out the softness of Spock's gaze, could still trace the features he knew by heart with his eyes.

And suddenly those hot fingers brushed against his own and Jim thought his heart was going to burst. Wanting, needing more contact, Jim turned his hand slightly, brushing their fingertips together in a soft caress. The tingling sensation was more intense than he ever remembered it feeling, running up through his arm and sending a shiver down his spine.

Spock's hand was trembling and Jim thought he heard his breathing hitch. They were barely touching, it shouldn't have felt this good, but it did.

Involuntarily, Jim increased the pressure before letting his fingers slide in-between Spock's, his fingertips running down in a smooth line, feeling the soft skin beneath. The Vulcan's eyes closed for a short moment, though reopened to lock gazes with him again.

When Jim ran his fingers across Spock's palm, brushing over the faint lines he could feel, the Vulcan's breath _did_ hitch, the long elegant fingers curling slightly inwards.

Jim took that as a sign that Spock was enjoying this as much as he was. He decided to act on instinct.

He let his palm make contact with Spock's skin, pressing it gently against the wrist underneath. Spock's pulse was racing, even by Vulcan standards, and it sent a thrill of excitement through Jim, knowing he had been the cause.

Sliding upwards again, Jim slid his whole hand over Spock's palm this time and he couldn't suppress a gasp as arousal shot through him like lightning. Spock's breathing was just as irregular as his own, heavy exhalations followed by quick, desperate inhalations that were not enough to fully fill the lungs with oxygen.

Spock's fingers intertwined with his, the first fully active participation since they had started this. The touch was fierce, passionate, the fingers gripping his own tight and hot, the palm pressing closer, intensifying the tingling even further.

Jim felt almost feverish, unable to form even one coherent thought. His whole being was concentrated on where their skin met and the only thing he could do was press closer. Soft sounds hung in the air between them, but Jim didn't know who was making them.

And then there were the thoughts, whispers in his mind that he knew were not his own.

_Jim...should not do this...you do not know...but I want you...want you so much_

And Jim wanted to answer, probably did in some way though he didn't know how, if it was even in words or just feelings that were overflowing, washing over Spock the way Spock's emotions were washing over him.

Jim couldn't remember closing his eyes, but when exhaustion crept up on him through the haze of passion, he felt sleepier than ever. Spock's hand was decreasing the pressure, his touch transforming into a soft caress as he gently detangled their fingers. But Jim didn't want to let go, forcing his eyes open and curling his fingers around Spock's to keep them in place. A pitiful whimper sounded in the silence of the room and it took Jim a moment to realise it had been his own.

But Spock was not withdrawing completely, simply giving them a chance to breathe and enable their minds to think again.

The crash that followed after his arousal had toned down was even worse than the one he'd had before and Jim could no longer fight to keep his eyes open.

He didn't want to sleep, he wanted to touch Spock more, wanted to ask him why it had felt so _good_, wanted to have him in his mind again, but exhaustion was pulling him towards darkness and he knew there was no escaping this time.

Spock's hand was resting against his, hot and reassuring and the last thing Jim remembered was a soft whisper in his mind.

_Sleep, Jim._

_-/-_

When Jim opened his eyes again it was to complete darkness. He was confused for a moment, disoriented. There was a cover over him and it was almost as if he was in a cocoon, warm and soft and feeling more rested than he had in...probably forever.

Shifting, he discovered that he had slept in his clothes, which was strange. Stretching out an arm, he almost expected it to encounter various items he knew were strewn out all over the other side of the bed, but there was nothing.

This was not his bed.

"Lights", he croaked, still too sleepy to really piece together the information.

The sudden brightness blinded him temporarily and Jim blinked it away, sitting up slowly. One look around the room was enough to have the memories rush back to him. This was Spock's room and he was lying in Spock's bed. Without Spock.

Jim frowned.

Where was the Vulcan?

Looking over to the chronometer on the bedside table, Jim's eyes widened and he was out of the bed in a heartbeat.

"Fuck!", he cursed heatedly, detangling himself from the blanket at the same time as trying to find his boots.

It was almost eleven and he should be on Alpha shift today, Spock _knew_ that, so why the hell hadn't he woken him up?!

Jumping on one foot and then on the other, Jim managed to get his boots on and rushed from the room, all the while trying to straighten his hair and clothes.

He knew he must look rumpled and every bit like someone who had slept in his clothes, but there was no time to change and clean up. It was bad enough that he was late, although the notion that they were probably simply floating rather aimlessly in space reconciled Jim the tiniest bit.

Jim wondered when Spock had left, if he had even slept next to him in the first place. He knew it shouldn't bother him that he hadn't been there when he had woken up, but it did. Not to mention that he had simply let him sleep right through the beginning of his shift.

So deep had he been in thought, that Jim was almost surprised when the turbolift halted and he discovered he was already at his destination. Trying in vain to straighten hit shirt again, Jim took a deep breath and exited the lift.

All eyes turned to him.

"Good morning...?", Jim offered, slightly taken aback by the sudden attention.

"Ve thought you vere ill, Captain.", Chekov supplied, eyeing him with a look in between concern and curiosity.

Jim frowned, but decided it was probably best to play along.

"I feel much better now.", he said simply, eyes searching the bridge for the person he had missed when he had woken up minutes before.

Spock was standing next to the Captain's chair, obviously having taken his rightful place while Jim had been absent. He was holding a datapad in his hands, which he had undoubtedly been reading before Jim had entered the scene. Now his dark eyes were on him.

The Vulcan looked composed and straight-faced as ever. Jim could not help but feel slightly cold inside. He had not expected for Spock to act differently while they were on duty, but it was such a contrast to last night that Jim was unable to fight the fear that maybe Spock had changed his mind after all. Especially after having woken up alone in bed this morning.

"I am grateful to see you have made such a swift recovery, Captain.", Spock said smoothly, neutrally, "We have received new orders from Starfleet command. The Enterprise is on route to Peros Theta IV. Should you so desire I will brief you on the situation."

"That would be great, Mr Spock", Jim said, forcing his brain into Captain-mode, "Please accompany me to the briefing room. Sulu, you've got the conn."

There were several reasons why Jim wanted to talk in the briefing room rather than on the bridge. One of them was the replicator that could provide him with much needed coffee.

The remaining drowsiness was soon chased away by caffeine and Jim was able to absorb the information Spock provided him with, while scanning the order briefly himself on the datapad the Vulcan had handed him upon entering the room.

Despite Jim's need to confirm Spock's feelings hadn't changed since (or because of) last night, there was no time to exchange anything that wasn't work related and Jim didn't dare touch Spock during duty, knowing that either way it would not be welcome while they were trying to be professional.

-/-

Jim's head was still spinning from the political problems of the Peronians when he took a late lunch break. His stomach was growling, reminding him of how small his dinner the previous night had been as well as the fact that he had skipped breakfast this morning. He feared he was going to collapse sometime soon if he didn't get some food into his system.

The doors of the turbolift were closing just as Jim approached them and he hurried to slip through the remaining gap, unwilling to wait until it returned.

Breath slightly heavier from the little sprint, Jim ran a hand through his hair and looked up, only to freeze in surprise.

"Spock", he said numbly, the Vulcan having been the last person he had expected, his breath immediately stuck in his throat and his heart beat furiously in his chest.

Spock's eyebrow rose slightly and there was a faint glint of amusement in his dark eyes, as well as the softness he had seen there last night. His shoulders were relaxed, his hands at his sides.

"Jim", he replied quietly.

Relief was instant and forceful, nearly taking the little breath away that Jim had left.

The step he took forward was almost a stumble, his knees weak. He felt the need to latch himself onto Spock, though Jim knew that he couldn't just attack him considering they were still in a semi-public place.

Relishing the warmth that radiated off the Vulcan's body, he opted for asking the question that had been burning on his tongue since he had woken up.

"What happened this morning?"

Spock inclined his head slightly.

"I apologise for leaving the crew under the impression you had fallen ill.", he said sincerely, "But I was convinced you were in need of rest and I suspect Doctor McCoy would have agreed with me had I consulted him."

Jim let out the breath he had been holding, feeling stupid now that he knew what had actually happened. Usually he would be annoyed with manipulation such as this, but coming from Spock is was the ultimate proof that the Vulcan cared for him deeply, enough for him to set Jim's health over everything else.

"Thank you", he said softly, "I think I _did_ need that sleep."

Without warning, hot fingers brushed his own, nearly making Jim jump in shock, his skin tingling pleasantly.

"It was not my intention to leave you disconcerted.", Spock said, the apology clear in his eyes.

Jim curled his fingers around the Vulcan's.

"It's okay", he said and meant it, "I was being stupid."

Spock looked as if he wanted to reply to that last statement, but it was at this moment that the turbolift halted on the mess deck. Jim sighed, but allowed the Vulcan to withdraw his hand, though not without running his index finger across a hot palm, prolonging their contact before letting go completely.

Jim watched in fascination as Spock's eyes darkened and a slight tremor ran through his body. He wished they were anywhere more private than this. But it could wait, he told himself, feeling his patience expand now that he didn't have to be afraid of the Vulcan running off again.

Feeling happy and reassured, Jim knew he was wearing a broad smile when he exited the turbolift alongside Spock. They walked to the mess hall side by side.

It was almost deserted, seeing as the normal lunchtime had already passed and Jim was grateful for some quietness. He ordered some pasta and waited for Spock to receive his salad, before they made their way over to a table, sitting down next to each other.

"I can't believe this stuff is enough to get you through the day.", Jim commented casually, in too much of a good mood not to talk, while shoving the first forkful of pasta into his mouth.

Spock glanced at him, though didn't look bothered by Jim's need for conversation.

"I was under the impression that we would dine together in your quarters and therefore thought it advisable to have a smaller meal, seeing as I do not require as much food as a human.", he said, sounding almost conversational.

Jim felt the bubble of happiness inside his chest growing even further. He could not help the urge to make some kind of physical contact, discreetly shifting his leg in order to press it against the Vulcan's under the table.

Spock stiffened slightly in surprise, the muscles in his thigh hard as stone, before he relaxed, allowing the contact.

"I did want to ask you to have dinner in my room", Jim admitted, smiling brightly at his First.

Spock met his gaze with that soft, amused look Jim loved so much and hoped to see a lot more often in the near future, his thigh hot against his own. Jim shifted slightly, becoming aware of the increasing arousal that had built since their encounter in the lift.

The Vulcan's eyes were studying him intently and Jim knew that Spock had felt his desire. He felt as if he was drowning in those dark eyes, everything else around him forgotten.

It was because of that that Jim nearly jumped out of his skin when the noise of a tray being dropped on the table interrupted their moment.

Both their heads snapped towards the noise and Jim felt briefly disoriented upon being torn so rudely from his own private world that consisted of only him and Spock.

Bones looked at them strangely before letting himself fall into the chair across from Jim.

"Jim", he greeted his best friend, then glowered at Spock, "Spock."

The Vulcan gave a silent nod as a form of acknowledgment, his face back to being an expressionless mask.

"Hey, Bones", Jim smiled, cheerfulness returning after the shock had faded, "You're pretty late for lunch."

Bones raised an eyebrow.

"So are you.", he said gruffly, freeing his cutlery from the napkin it had been trapped in.

"Woah, easy on the negative vibes there", Jim joked, "What made your grumpiness drop below the usual level?"

Bones rolled his eyes, though seemed too frustrated to resist the question and almost immediately launched into a rant about the 'damned incompetent people' that were working for him and if they 'hadn't learned anything at the Academy, dammit'.

Jim traded an amused glance with Spock and tried his best to look interested and attentive, while in truth his concentration was narrowed down to where they were touching under the table.

Spock had not moved away, allowing Jim to maintain the contact even though Bones was sitting right across from them, his face betraying nothing as he returned the gentle pressure, making Jim feel as if his thigh was on fire.

He had to put every ounce of self control he possessed into not letting his hands casually disappear beneath the table in order to run his hand over that hot leg and find out if Spock was having similar…problems.

Maybe he did, because after a few more minutes of ever building sexual tension, Spock left the table to get himself something to drink.

Jim missed his warmth immediately and to his great dismay watched as Bones leaned closer to him, not missing another second before asking him what Jim had expected him to ever since he joined them at the table.

There were some disadvantages to spending his time on a ship full of geniuses. And then of course there was the fact that he was his best friend and knew Jim better than he did himself most of the time.

"So, what's with the cheerfulness, Jim", Bones prodded, "And more importantly, what's with the lovey-dovey gazing, or whatever the hell else you were doing just then, with the hobgoblin?"

Jim tried to fight the blush that was threatening to flood his cheeks. He should have known his best friend would pick up on it, no matter how discreet they were being.

"Don't call him that.", he reminded Bones, defending Spock automatically, "And aren't I allowed to be happy for once?"

The eyebrow rose again, an incredulous look on his best friend's face.

"So is that what you meant when you said 'There is no girl'?", Bones asked, looking at Jim as if he had suddenly sprouted another head and tentacles, "Jim, _please_ don't tell me that it's _Spock_ you've been pining over these past few months."

This time, Jim did flush, his cheeks burning uncomfortably. He couldn't remember the last time he had blushed like that, or if he had _ever_ blushed like that.

"Would you keep it _down_, Bones!", Jim hissed, glancing around the mess hall to make sure no one was in earshot.

Jim could swear Bones' eyes bulged slightly as they widened, his jaw slackening in complete and utter shock.

"Fuck, it's _true_!", he hissed in disbelief, "Goddammit, Jim, _Spock_? That bastard tried to kill you! I know you're a masochist, but that's damn pushing it a little, don't you think?"

His blush only grew hotter, but Jim wasn't sure if it was in embarrassment or annoyance, or maybe a little bit of both.

"I'm _not_ a masochist!", he protested heatedly, "And he wasn't trying to kill me, he was just pissed off. And I deserved it for what I said about his mother. And anyway, that was _months_ ago. Things have changed."

"Jesus, Jim, are you even listening to yourself?", Bones asked, voice tight, "What about marooning you on Delta Vega? If the older and obviously _much_ saner version of that crazy Vulcan hadn't saved you that damn thing down there would have eaten you alive!"

Jim opened his mouth to offer another reply in Spock's defence, when the shattering of glass interrupted their hissed conversation.

Both their heads shot up and snapped to the side, only to find the object of their conversation standing a few feet away in a puddle of water, shards of glass scattered around his black boots.

If Spock had been human, there was absolutely no way he would have been able to overhear what Bones had said. Spock wasn't human though and Jim could feel his heart going out to the Vulcan when he saw that stricken, hurt look in his eyes.

It was gone in a moment, however, when he apologised to the cleaning personnel about the broken glass, before turning on his heel to swiftly leave the hall.

"Fuck", Jim cursed, getting up so quickly he knocked against a tray in his haste, his mind already fixed on following Spock.

But before he could rush past his best friend, Bones grabbed his wrist.

"This conversation is not over Jim, understand?", he said firmly, his grip tight for a moment in which he studied Jim intently, before letting him go.

Jim rolled his eyes and hurried to catch up with his First.

The corridor was mostly empty, for which he was grateful. It was not every day that his crew saw him rushing through his ship as if a sector had caught fire.

A flash of blue rounded the corner a few feet away and Jim increased his speed, finally able to intercept Spock before the Vulcan could vanish somewhere Jim couldn't follow.

"Spock, wait.", he said, breath heavy from running after him.

For a moment Jim thought he might ignore him, but then Spock stopped, though didn't turn around to face him.

Jim sighed, walking up to the Vulcan and stepping in front of him in order to be able to look at him. Spock was avoiding his gaze, his form trembling slightly, both of which Jim knew to be bad signs.

Looking around, he tried to find somewhere more private and for once luck seemed to be on his side as he spotted a storage room to the left.

Not caring that they were still in public, Jim gently grabbed Spock's wrist in order to tug him there. The Vulcan didn't resist, which was good, and reassured Jim that it had been the right thing to follow.

The door slid shut behind them, enveloping them in darkness, the only lights present were the glowing emergency exit lights, the faint green colour underlining Spock's alien features.

To Jim's surprise, it was Spock who touched him first, his hands coming up to caress his face with hot fingers, leaving a pleasantly tingling trail and the faint whisper of thoughts and emotions on his skin.

_...Jim...I am sorry..._

Jim's heart melted in his chest, which felt so tight he had problems drawing in enough oxygen. He brought up his own hands, curling them around Spock's wrists in a gentle grip, mirroring the position they had been in the previous night.

Turning his head, Jim pressed his lips to the centre of Spock's left palm, listening to the Vulcan's breathing hitch and feeling the hand trembling under his mouth.

'It's okay' the kiss said, words unnecessary when Jim knew Spock could feel exactly what was going on in his mind. He could never get close enough to him. Never.

Spock's breath was hot on his face as he sighed, leaning closer, his hands sliding from his face in order to press their cheeks together.

Jim wrapped an arm around Spock's waist, the other intertwining with the Vulcan's in unspoken agreement. When their palms pressed together, they shuddered, pressing closer together and Jim turned his head to press a gentle kiss to the pointy ear so close to his lips.

Some low, undefined sound escaped Spock as soon as Jim's mouth made contact and the Vulcan was suddenly flush against him, his hot body setting Jim's on fire.

It took Jim every bit of control he could scramble together not to simply press Spock against the nearest wall and rock against him, to not simply push their hips together in order to know for sure that he wasn't the only one with a raging hard on, in desperate need of release.

Instead, he took a deep breath, removing his mouth from the obvious highly erogenous zone and forced himself to lean away slightly. This was neither the time nor the place for this. Jim didn't want their first encounter to be in some storage room where almost anyone could walk in and they would be forced to keep quiet in order to not alert anyone passing in the corridor outside.

Spock was quite obviously fighting for control, stepping back slightly in order to get some distance between them. Jim withdrew his arm and their only remaining contact were their hands, still intimately intertwined.

Jim couldn't help the urge to run his thumb over Spock's in a soothing caress, his skin tingling pleasantly and creating exactly the opposite effect that he had intended as another spark of arousal shot through him and Spock flushed a deep emerald green, lips parting to release heavy pants.

"Why does this feel so good?", Jim asked breathlessly, still shocked at the amount of pleasure he got just from touching Spock's hands.

The fingers around his tightened, tangling even more while Spock looked deeply into his eyes, trying to force his breathing back into a regular pattern.

Jim had to fight to keep from closing the distance between their mouths.

"It is how Vulcans kiss.", Spock said then, voice husky and still just as breathless as Jim's despite the effort to control it.

Jim blinked. Oh. _Oh_.

He swallowed. Hard.

Forcing himself to take a deep breath, Jim tried to fight down the recurring urge to devour Spock there and then, sure that he had never in his life been so close to losing it without having actually done anything. Despite Vulcan kissing, that is.

Allowing himself to grin, Jim tried to lighten the atmosphere in order to ensure they could leave the storage room again at some point without him being hard as a rock.

He refused to look down, telling himself that in the darkness he would not be able to make out Spock's lower part of the body anyway and another reason to get excited was the last thing he needed.

"Does that mean we've made out and I didn't even know about it?", Jim joked, chuckling slightly.

Spock gently detangled their hands, but not before Jim could feel the faint embarrassment mixed with amusement echoing through him from where their skin was touching.

Though he missed the connection immediately, Jim was grateful for the opportunity to calm himself.

"I believe it is time to return to the bridge.", Spock said, straightening his uniform in an attempt to look less as if he had just made out with his Captain in a storage room, Vulcan or otherwise, "We are already 10.9 minutes late for Beta shift."

Jim noted the gesture with affection, recognising it from having it seen several times since meeting the Vulcan, usually performed to regain composure.

"Of course.", he said, smile still firmly in place as he looked into the other's eyes, "But don't forget: my room, eight o'clock, okay?"

Spock simply nodded and with one last brief brush of their fingers, he exited the storage room.

Jim leaned against the door for a moment, giving Spock time to put some distance between them and himself to calm down his body. He tried to think of something that would put him off and wished for a cold shower.

Taking a deep breath, Jim straightened his own clothing and tried to focus again on the problem at hand: the Peronians.

Upon exiting the room, Jim checked his chronometer. Only four more hours to the end of their shift.


	9. Chapter 9

**Emotionally Compromised**

Pairing: Jim/Spock

Rating: R

Warnings: it's SLASH that means m/m love, don't like don't read

Disclaimer: i own nothing, and there is no copyright infringement intended. i also don't earn any kind of money by writing this.

**A/N.: **hey guys, *ducks head in shame*. i really AM sorry for the delay, but not only did i have the most insistant writer's block EVER, my brain also bombarded me with so many ideas/plot bunnies that i went crazy. paralell to EC i'm working on other stuff, good thing is that the one that's been eating my time will be finished soon - so will be EC for that matter. i'll try and be quick with the next update and i REALLY hope that the waiting was worth it!

if anyone's still reading this, pls let me know how you liked it. i'm twice as unsure as usual cause it's the first thing i've set my mind to since my writer's block went away. *is nervous as hell*

**important notice: rating is now R!**

**THANKS** to all the people who reviewed the last chapter, and i apologise again for making you wait!

* * *

**Chapter 9**

When the chime finally sounded, it made Jim jump in surprise. He had been in the process of collecting several pieces of clothing he had strewn across his living area, as well as attempting to stack some of the datapads he had been working with.

Abandoning the task, Jim made his way over to the door. It had been over two hours since he had seen Spock, as a series of problems had kept them apart. As much as Jim had tried to ban the feeling, he knew that he had missed the Vulcan, something that scared him out of his mind.

When the door _wooshed_ open Spock's eyes met his and the amount of happiness which flooded him was ridiculous. Wordlessly, Jim stepped aside to let the Vulcan enter, busying himself with locking the door in order to compose himself.

Spock was closer than he had expected when Jim finally turned around, though his expression unreadable. Jim felt his throat tightening with unreasonable dread, craving the softness he had become used to over such a short time.

It was swiped away, however, when Spock's hands emerged from behind his back and hot fingers brushed his own, in what he now knew, was a soft Vulcan kiss. Unwilling to part from the pleasurable, tingling sensation just yet, Jim's fingers curled around Spock's to hold them in place. The Vulcan did not protest.

"Are you hungry?", Jim finally asked into the silence.

"I would not object to sustenance.", Spock replied simply, his eyes never straying from Jim's face.

Something about the way his First was looking at him was off. Jim could feel it. It was as if something had changed since the last time they had seen each other, as if something important had happened that had simply passed Jim by.

Knowing better than to push Spock straight away, Jim opted for detangling their hands, leaving his fingers feeling cold and empty, and made his way over to the replicator in order to key in the food he had chosen earlier that night.

Spock's eyes were burning into his back, following Jim's every motion. Despite feeling the intense urge to return the gaze, to search Spock's face for as long as it would take to determine what was different, Jim kept his attention firmly on retrieving the cutlery and filling two glasses with water before carrying everything to the table.

They remained silent during dinner and it gave Jim entirely too much time to wonder what the hell was wrong, sending his mind reeling. His stomach had transformed into a tight knot, refusing every bite of food he forced down his throat.

"I had a discussion with Doctor McCoy.", the Vulcan said, his voice quiet.

Jim's fork, which he had used to push small amounts of sticky risotto from one side of his plate to the other, froze in mid-motion. His eyes stayed glued to his food, unseeing, as his knuckles turned white, the sharp edges of the fork cutting deeply into his flesh.

As much as he loved his best friend, Jim was not going to let him interfere with what he was so desperately trying to build with Spock. He knew Bones was concerned and wanted what's best for him, but he didn't know Spock, didn't know what they had.

"What did he say?", he asked, sharper than he had intended. "That I can't keep my dick in my pants? That I'm unable to form relationships? That you should better run now while you still can?"

Spock stopped eating, carefully placing the fork on his plate before ceasing any motion. Jim finally looked up, but the expression on the Vulcan's face gave nothing away.

"He was merely informing me of his concerns considering our...arrangement.", Spock answered in a low voice as his hands vanished under the table.

The grip on his own fork only tightened as Jim sat up straighter. The food he had just consumed churned in his stomach and nausea flooded him.

"And you agree with those 'concerns'?", he asked blankly, his brain having difficulty catching up to the drastic turn in their conversation.

Spock's expression didn't waver.

"He did not mention any that I had not yet considered.", was the even reply.

The clatter of the fork hitting the plate was loud enough to make Jim's ears ring. His fingers were trembling.

"Well I'm glad you could bond over how messed up I am.", he bit out, the anger sudden

and intense.

Something in Spock's gaze softened, liquefying the darkness and making Jim want to drown in them.

"Jim, you misunderstand.", Spock sounded almost gentle, "Doctor McCoy harbours quite an intense dislike for me, as you well know. He did not broach this particular subject in order to ensure my comfort."

Jim stared at him.

"So what, he wanted to protect _me_ from _you_?", he asked incredulously.

Spock inclined his head slightly, his gaze dropping to the plate in front of him.

"Essentially, yes."

Jim wasn't sure if he was actually following, his whole picture on the topic just having been blown into tiny pieces.

"And you think I need that protection?", he asked, disbelief dripping from every word.

Spock inhaled deeply and Jim watched as his chest expanded, before his whole form slumped just the slightest bit. Dark eyes finally darted back to look into his own.

"Possibly.", Spock said, his voice tight, "There are several important facts that have yet to be discussed and I believe the outcome could be…painful for both of us."

Jim felt the threads he had so desperately pulled together ripped out of his hands once more. An involuntary frown wrinkled his brow.

"What are you talking about?"

For the fraction of a moment there was complete silence, their breathing the only sound in the room as they looked at each other across the table.

"While trapped in the turbolift 2.1 weeks ago, you were hedging on the subject concerning the mind meld with my alternate self.", Spock said, words having been weighed carefully, maybe even more careful than was usual for the Vulcan, "I wish to know precisely what transpired on Delta Vega."

Completely taken aback by the question, Jim blinked. It was the last thing he had expected, though considering Bones' accusations this afternoon, maybe he should have.

Licking his suddenly dry lips, Jim pushed the plate away from himself.

"I don't think there's a lot you don't know already.", he said honestly.

Spock's jaw tightened.

"Considering I did not know I had sent you to your death until this afternoon, I cannot agree with that sentiment.", he replied stiffly.

Jim shook his head, regretting now more than ever that Bones had let this one slip.

"Monsters chasing me across that damn planet wasn't your fault, Spock."

Upswiped eyebrows drew together the tiniest bit and Jim could not remember having seen this kind of display before.

"Staying in command while emotionally compromised was illogical and my overreaction, which put you in danger, was inexcusable."

Jim sighed, before rising making his knees collide with his chair and pushing it away from him, the scraping sound loud and uncomfortable.

He rounded the table slowly, Spock's dark eyes following him as he drew closer to the Vulcan. When Jim finally touched him, it was as if he could breathe again. The nape of Spock's neck was hot under his palm, his skin tingling and his whole being reduced to the point of contact between them.

It was strange seeing Spock from above for once, instead of having to tilt his head upwards, though Jim was unsure who was in the more vulnerable position. For a long moment their breathing was the only sound.

It was Jim who finally broke the silence, though barely.

"C'mon.", he whispered, unwilling to disturb the reluctant feeling of comfort which had formed between them.

Spock followed his command wordlessly, though Jim could not determine if it was out of habit or trust. His First allowed Jim to usher him over to the couch and he obediently took a seat next to him, his back straight and tense. Jim faced Spock and curled his right leg under himself, while letting his left dangle, his toes brushing the fluffy rug on which the coffee table stood.

Jim studied him carefully, wanting to reach out once more, but still unsure whether Spock would allow the constant physical contact that Jim craved so much.

"He saved me.", it was not the beginning of the events, but it was the start of something that had changed Jim's life, "I didn't believe him at first, when he told me who he was. I thought he was bullshitting me, that he was a lunatic. But he _knew _me. I could see it in his eyes when he said my name."

Spock's back was stiff and Jim could tell by the lack of expression how much emotion the Vulcan was battling with.

Instinctively, Jim reached out to take a hot, slender hand into his own. Spock allowed it, the muscles maybe even relaxing the slightest fraction.

"I don't know why, but I trusted him. It's as if I just couldn't help it. When he suggested the meld I had no idea what he was talking about, but it seemed as if he were used to it – used to me.", Jim continued softly, his eyes shifting to unseeingly fix onto the wall as he sank into the memory, "I don't think he intended to show me as much as he did. He was struggling for control, his emotions all jumbled together and so _intense_. There was so much affection and love…and it hurt, because he was drowning in sorrow over Vulcan and because he was away from his Jim. It changed a lot. It changed the way I saw you, although I didn't really know it at the time. I asked him about it when we visited the colony and he told me that he and his Jim were bonded – that they had been for a long time and that he was afraid the bond had been strained beyond its capacity."

The sudden absence of warmth and the loss of contact was what drew Jim's gaze away from the wall to meet Spock's dark eyes, before the Vulcan looked away, his hands trembling slightly as he folded them.

"I presume this to be the reason why he was so determined to return to his time.", Spock said, voice tight, "I suspected there to be another reason than that which you gave me at the time."

Shifting slightly, Jim sighed. He wanted to touch Spock again, but held back, letting his hands rest on the soft surface of the couch, palming it absently.

"Well, I didn't think the truth to be such a good idea back then…", he said quietly, looking down where his fingers were picking at the fabric, "And I didn't really understand the whole bond thing anyway. He was very vague, said that it wasn't his place to explain it to me."

"And it was not."

The firmness of his voice as well as the sudden sensation of Spock's eyes burning into him, made Jim look up in surprise. There was a fire in the dark depths that Jim had seen before, but knew Spock would deny.

He had seen this same look only a few days ago when they had fought. It had taken Jim some time to figure it out then, but now recognition was instant. He blinked.

"Spock, there's no- I don't feel the same for him.", Jim said, stumbling over his words.

He had never had to reassure anyone of his feelings before, because there had never been anyone to want him this way before. For a night of fun – sure, but for something like this?

Spock was studying him intently.

"How can you be certain that the...affection you hold for me is not simply a projection of my alternate self's feelings during the meld?", he asked then, his voice soft and heavy with emotion he sought to hide.

Jim's heart missed a beat. So this was the problem.

His throat felt too tight and he swallowed, while reaching out to touch Spock's face. Jim didn't know if it would work, but he tried to concentrate on what he was feeling at the moment, his fingers tracing over, by now familiar, soft features attempting to imprint his emotions into the vibrant skin beneath, just as Spock had done.

"The same way that you can be certain that _your_ affection for _me_ is not just my emotions projected on you.", Jim murmured softly, words somehow meaningless compared to their shared sensations.

Involuntarily, Jim leaned closer, as if gravity was pulling him in, their breaths mingling into one.

The Vulcan's eyes were even more beautiful this close up, dark and full of affection as they gazed back at Jim, awaiting the next move. Heart thumping loudly in his chest, Jim let one of his trembling hands slide into the silky black mass that was Spock's hair, relishing in the feeling of how smoothly it slid through his fingers, while the other found its way onto a hot shoulder.

His palm was already damp with sweat, the alien scent he was inhaling with every breath intoxicating. He craved it like a drug.

Shifting into a kneeling position, Jim tilted his head, feeling Spock's hot breath against his cheek and then his neck as he pressed his mouth to his smooth forehead in a gentle, lingering kiss. Hot hands suddenly curled around his hips and it was enough to make all his blood rush south, the readiness with which Spock responded was exhilarating. His chest aching with emotion, Jim let his lips slowly wander downwards to brush over one high swiped eyebrow and then the other. They were as smooth and dark as the hair on Spock's head and Jim was as fascinated with them as any other feature of the Vulcan.

When Jim drew back slightly, panting, to study Spock's expression, he saw that the Vulcan's eyes had fallen shut, long, dark lashes resting against his pale skin, which was marked by a green blush. The hand that had been resting on Spock's shoulder lifted, leaving the fabric crumpled, and was drawn to those lashes almost out of its own volition. It was frightening how much Jim wanted to touch every single part of Spock, how breathless it made him to carefully run a thumb along the tips and stare in fascination as they parted one by one under his touch.

Spock blinked carefully, eyes even darker than before, breath slightly uneven as it hit Jim's face. The next moment they fell shut again as Jim's lips ghosted a soft kiss on the bridge of his nose before doing the same to his high cheekbones, feeling them grow hotter under his lips as they flushed even more.

Jim's hand slid from where it had been resting on Spock's cheek to his jaw, putting gentle pressure to the underside in order to tilt it towards him as he kissed the corner of Spock's mouth. The hands on his hips tightened as the Vulcan's breathing hitched and he trembled under Jim's touch.

God, he had wanted this for so long.

Letting his own eyes slide shut, Jim's hand slid deeper into Spock's hair just as his lips finally found the Vulcan's, putting only the gentlest of pressure into the kiss. Spock's lips were soft and yielded instantly, burning breath brushing over Jim's cheek as the other exhaled heavily, a soft, undefined sound somewhere stuck in Spock's throat. An immediate stab of arousal shot though Jim and he involuntarily pressed closer, their lips sliding together hot and wet and Jim had to fight for composure _ohmygodsogood_.

The hand that had still been holding onto Spock's jaw fell away in order to slide down the Vulcan's hot body and Jim nearly jumped in surprise when the strong, quick beat of Spock's heart was suddenly under his fingertips. It was as addictive as the rest of him and Jim pressed his palm flat against Spock's abdomen in order to feel it more clearly.

It was as exiting as it was soothing and Jim used it to ground himself, breathing in through his nose as he moved his mouth against Spock's pliant lips, letting his tongue gently trace the lines of the Vulcan's soft mouth, slowly so he wouldn't startle him, before gently seeking to part them.

They did so when Spock uttered a breathy, almost soundless moan and Jim could not help but slide his tongue into the Vulcan's searing mouth, finding Spock's burning tongue and caressing it with his own. The action ripped a moan of his own from Jim's throat and he pressed closer, needing more contact.

The alien taste was strong on Jim's tongue as it ran over soft gums and sleek teeth, feeling more than ever like a drug as it set his system on fire.

When Jim dragged the tip of his tongue over the roof of Spock's mouth the Vulcan's moan was more evident, his hot hands releasing his hips in order to move to the small of his back and draw him closer. Jim's fingers curled into Spock's hair, his other hand leaving the place over Spock's heart in order to slide around his shoulders and he shifted again, this time it was to slide one of his legs over Spock's. Crawling into his lap, Jim felt the Vulcan's thighs burning against his own, the muscles shifting as they accommodated him.

He could feel sweat building on his upper lip, adding saltiness that melded with the flavour that was purely Spock.

Spock's tongue curled around his own, sliding into his mouth slowly, but without hesitance as he mirrored Jim's movements, passiveness forgotten as he gracefully arched up, drawing Jim's body closer to his own. Jim's hips shifted, pants uncomfortably tight as they trapped his painful erection, and he unintentionally brushed against Spock's in the process, feeling, for the first time, that the Vulcan seemed to be just as aroused as he was.

Slowness be damned, Jim could not help but press their groins together, his jaw suddenly slack from the pleasure, a helpless moan vibrating between them as Spock shuddered and sought even more contact, pressing their cocks together through several layers of clothing.

As Jim's hips began to move out of their own volition, his hazy mind protested at the contrast of how slowly things had moved up to now and how quickly everything seemed to be happening this very moment. There were still things they needed to talk about, a reason why they maybe shouldn't do this quite yet, but right now Jim couldn't seem to recall any of this clearly enough.

Burning fingertips brushed the nape of his neck, his skin tingling where they caressed him as if Spock had felt his doubts and wanted to chase them away with his touch.

Jim sighed into Spock's mouth, but it ended in a moan as the Vulcan's hips rose to meet his own, pressing their erections together once more. Jim ground down, hard and involuntarily, the resulting explosion of pleasure enough to render his brain unable of further thought.

Delving deeper into the Vulcan's mouth and swallowing his sound of pleasure, Jim shifted once more, turning his body in order to urge Spock into a lying position, spreading him out on the soft cushions of the couch. Spock's thighs parted willingly, falling open wantonly as hot hands drew him down onto an even hotter body. Jim shuddered and he groaned, finding the position which would cause the most friction.

They had wanted this for too long, the sexual tension had been far too intense and lust was burning hotly between them. Jim was helpless before the onslaught of his emotions as well as the faint notion of Spock's, sizzling right underneath his skin. The passion was consuming him, stealing his breath and he had to wrench his mouth away in order to draw much needed oxygen into his lungs, the air too hot.

But Jim didn't care if he suffocated as long as it was Spock's scent he was inhaling and Spock's lips refusing him air.

Spock arched, thrusting up against him, his legs curling around Jim's. His too hot face blindly buried itself in Jim's neck, his hands tugging him closer as burning, clumsy kisses were mouthed onto his throat. Tilting his head to the side, Jim granted easier access, wordlessly encouraging more contact, his hips rutting against the Vulcan's with raw need. Jim's lips were parted, soft moans spilling from them as the rhythm grew more frantic, their movement desperate and uncoordinated.

Spock pressed closer, seeking to stifle his own sounds of pleasure in Jim's skin. With trembling fingers Jim sought for a way under Spock's clothes, shoving the blue and black uniform shirts up roughly he palmed the hot, smooth skin. His hand found a nipple and he thumbed it only to feel it harden under his touch as Spock released a choked groan and shuddered beneath him.

Jim wanted to tear their clothes off, wanted to feel every inch of searing skin against his own, wanted to taste Spock's skin and his come, but the need was already too great, his hips could not stop seeking friction. Planting one hand on the couch in order to gain better leverage, Jim's other hand slid downwards to feel the erratic heartbeat once more before curling it around a clothed thigh.

Their mouths found each other again, Spock's head falling back as Jim thrust his tongue past his lips the way he wanted to thrust himself into Spock. Jim could feel the soft ridge as he slid the tip over the roof of Spock's mouth, feeling the Vulcan's grip on him tighten enough to bruise, both their sounds of pleasure muffled.

One of Spock's hands found his own, drawing it away from the hot thigh in order to tangle their fingers together. Jim complied, pinning it next to Spock's head so he could push their palms together, an action which made his cock jerk, the tingling sensation shooting up his arm like lightning.

_Jim..._

It was just a whisper in his mind, but enough to make Jim feel ready to combust, Spock's pleasure coiling around his own as the connection between them grew stronger. Moaning helplessly, Jim's lips slid away from the Vulcan's in order to force air past his throat. He felt dizzy, though from the lack of oxygen or the overwhelming passion he could not say.

Pressing a kiss to Spock's jaw, Jim's lips then wandered upwards and without warning he closed them over the pointy tip of the Vulcan's ear, his fascination for them still undiminished. A choked sound deep in Spock's throat was the only warning he got before he grew still for a single heartbeat only to arch up a second later, one hand clawing into Jim's uniform while the other tightened its grip on his hand. Every muscle in Spock's body trembled and his cock jerked inside the confines of his pants, the movement of his hips jerky and without rhythm and when hot wetness seeped through both their trousers, the knowledge alone that Spock had just come shuddering against him, _because_ of him, was enough to push Jim over the edge, still feeling the echoes of Spock's orgasm singing through him.

Jim didn't know what sounds he made, unable to hear anything beyond the rushing of blood in his ears. His eyes pressed shut tightly, hot white pleasure shooting through him as he trembled, every ounce of energy draining out of him. His arms gave way as he collapsed onto Spock, whose arm curled around him tightly, holding him close.

When Jim's brain chose to let him string at least a few coherent thoughts together again, he became aware of how hot the front of his body was compared to the chilliness of his back. He could feel the steady thump of Spock's heartbeat somewhere near his own abdomen, but otherwise the Vulcan was motionless beneath him. Jim was pleased, however, to note the absence of any tenseness.

Shifting slightly, Jim grimaced as he felt the uniform glued to his body for various reasons, sweat and come already having started to dry on his skin leaving him sticky and uncomfortable. The fingers still curled around his own twitched in answer to the movement and Jim realised they were much cooler than was usual. Suddenly he realised that Spock must be cold considering their recent activities combined with the lack of motion and the Vulcan's usual affinity for a warmer climate.

"Computer", Jim said quietly, his voice rough, "Raise room temperature 30%."

Almost instantly the room warmed and Jim shifted again, struggling to raise himself enough to look at Spock. It was harder than he had imagined, his limbs weak and his muscles trembling under the effort of holding himself up. If Spock minded having almost all of Jim's weight on him, he did not mention it.

When he finally succeeded he found Spock's eyes already on him, his features somehow more relaxed than usual. Jim moved his hand, gently detangling their fingers in order to cover too cool fingertips with his palm in an attempt to warm them.

"Hey", Jim said so softly it was almost a murmur, "You should have said something about being cold."

The hand that had been resting on his back slid upwards, threading gently through his hair.

"I did not want to disturb you."

Spock's voice was husky and Jim could not remember ever having heard something as sexy as this.

Jim rubbed his palm over Vulcan fingers, relieved when he felt them returning to their normal temperature, the tingles which were caused by the action feeling like hundreds of tiny aftershocks.

"How long was I out?", he asked, trying to remember the last time he had all but passed out from an orgasm, or if he ever had for that matter.

"6.8 minutes", Spock replied, the usual precision faintly amusing.

Jim felt his lips curving into a grin.

"Well, you should take that as a compliment.", he joked and when Spock's eyebrow lifted slightly it only caused it to widen.

"Indeed.", he said simply, though the affection shone clearly from his eyes as well as a trace of answering amusement.

Unable to resist, Jim leaned down for a kiss. Spock's lips were warm and soft beneath his own, responding with gentle pressure and without hesitancy. The hand that wasn't curled around Spock's gently caressed a high cheekbone, before sliding further back to trace the graceful lines of a pointy ear.

Spock shivered at the caress and Jim drew back slightly in order to look into his dark eyes.

"This was not exactly what I had in mind when I invited you back here.", he murmured gently, somehow needing to assure the Vulcan of that.

"I had not assumed so.", was the soft reply, "Was the outcome not to your satisfaction?"

Jim could not help the chuckle that escaped his throat, unsure whether Spock had attempted another joke or if he was seeking reassurance.

"I think the answer to that is quite obvious.", he said, shifting his hips in discomfort to underline his words, "And as much as I like lying on top of you, I think I need a shower."

Spock's hot breath brushed his face as he exhaled.

"I believe this to be true for both of us.", there was a finality in that statement that Jim didn't like, "I will retire to my quarters."

"Yeah", Jim's mouth said, _no! _screamed his brain.

Ignoring the urge to keep Spock there, Jim obediently shifted off him, helping the Vulcan stand even though he was quite sure he would have managed on his own. Spock didn't protest, accepting Jim's assistance wordlessly.

Unwilling to let go just yet, Jim's hands held onto Spock's, their bodies close enough for him to feel the heat radiating off the Vulcan.

"I'll see you later?", it came out more of a question than a statement despite Jim's intention of it being the latter.

Amusement and tenderness were strong in Spock's eyes when he answered.

"Unavoidably so, seeing as we are scheduled for Alpha shift.", he said smoothly.

Jim managed a tired smile, having to concentrate on the simple action of opening his hands in order to release Spock's. Everything in him protested at the loss of contact.

"Good night.", Jim offered weakly.

Spock's eyes were intent, scrutinising him before he inclined his head slightly.

"Good night, Jim."

Hot fingers brushed his own in a soft Vulcan kiss and Jim returned the gentle pressure, before Spock's hand fell away and he strode from the room, straightening his uniform as he went.

Jim hated to see him go.

-/-

When Jim emerged from the shower fresh and sticky-free, it was later than he had expected. He felt exhausted and decided that an early night would probably be good, seeing as he had had a strenuous day and they were scheduled to arrive on Peros Theta IV late tomorrow morning.

As expected, however, Jim was unable to find rest beneath the cold sheets on his cluttered bed. He kept tossing and turning, bumping into datapads and various other stuff.

He wanted Spock. He wanted him in his bed, wanted his warm body against his own and simply sleep. And that scared Jim.

Despite all his relentlessness in chasing Spock and getting the Vulcan to yield to his feelings, Jim had no idea where they were going. How was this whole thing supposed to go on? Where they a couple now? What did that even entail?

Jim wasn't sure what he was more scared of, actually being in a relationship or wanting one in the first place.

He cursed harshly into the silence, finally throwing the covers off a bit more violently than necessary.

To hell with it.

Blindly reaching into his dresser, Jim tugged on the first pair of sweats he encountered and pulled a t-shirt over his head that he didn't even know the colour of. Not bothering with shoes, Jim stomped out of his quarters, regretting the decision when the metal floor outside was cold enough to numb his toes.

Thankfully, no one saw him as he hurried over to his First Officer's door, all the while cursing under his breath. With a bit more force than he had intended, his finger connected with the chime next to the door. Shifting, Jim changed his mind about the cold floor. It was probably better to have something to distract him or he would simply turn around to flee back to his own room.

He wasn't quite sure what the hell he was doing, after all.

Sooner than he had expected, the door slid open to reveal Spock wearing his usual neutral expression and...Vulcan robes?

Jim stared. Although it was only natural that Spock wouldn't be wearing his uniform off duty and in the confines of his private quarters, this was not at all what Jim had expected.

Spock studied him carefully, taking in his casual clothes as well as the lack of shoes. Eyebrow rising slightly, he moved aside to let him enter. Jim did, though had difficulty tearing his gaze off the Vulcan.

When the door closed and locked behind them, Jim's eyes were drawn back to the strange attire. It wasn't as though he hadn't seen robes such as these before, a ridiculous notion considering the amount of Vulcans they had had on board after the destruction of their home planet, but it wasn't the same as seeing _Spock_ wearing them.

Swallowing, Jim forced his gaze to shift to Spock's face.

"Was there something your required, Jim?", the Vulcan asked evenly, though his eyes were softening already.

"I didn't get to kiss you good night.", he blurted out, suddenly not so sure about the whole middle-of-the-night ambush anymore.

The eyebrow that had returned to the normal position arched once more.

"Technically that is not true.", Spock replied, amusement sparkling to life in those dark depths that were his eyes, "I remember quite clearly 'kissing you good night'."

Jim shifted his weight, though this time it had nothing to do with a cold floor, seeing as Spock's quarters were almost stifling with their hotness.

"Yes, but I didn't get to do it my way.", he insisted, confidence returning as he stepped closer to the Vulcan.

Spock inclined his head slightly, though otherwise remained motionless.

In no need for more encouragement, he closed the space between them and placed his hands against Spock's warm chest. The fabric of the robes was surprisingly soft to the touch, not at all like Jim had expected. Curling his fingers into the material, Jim used it to draw Spock closer while he titled his head in order to overcome the small height difference.

Spock's usually straight form curved slightly towards him, meeting his lips half-way. Jim had intended the kiss to be soft and unobtrusive, but as always when it came to the Vulcan, his plan evaporated in nothingness.

Almost immediately, Jim's lips parted, a soft sound of pleasure lost between their mouths. Led by sensation, his tongue slid into the much hotter mouth, finding Spock's shyer one. Jim could tell that the Vulcan wasn't very practised at kissing, but that didn't stop it from being mind blowing. Furthermore, Spock was a quick learner and obviously this applied to every field.

Hot arms encircled his waist, drawing him closer and Jim's own wound around Spock's neck as he pressed their bodies together. When the Vulcan uttered that particular soft undefined sound of pleasure, Jim could not help but delve deeper, running the tip of his tongue over the roof of Spock's mouth in order to hear it again.

They parted only far enough to be able to draw breath.

"Was this the sole purpose of your visit?", Spock murmured against his mouth, the huskiness of his voice making Jim's cock twitch with interest.

He tried to fight it down.

"Well...not exactly...", Jim trailed off, unsure how to voice his request, "Actually I wanted to ask if I can stay the night."

Spock drew back slightly, eyes dark as he studied him.

"Although I would find it agreeable, I do not think it very wise.", he said quietly, "Need I remind you that should an emergency arise the crew will be unable to reach you in your quarters?"

Jim had expected as much. He knew that as much as Spock might like for him to stay, he would argue with logic. But logic would not stop James T. Kirk, it never had.

"That might be true", Jim replied, titling his head once again in order to ghost a kiss over the Vulcan's lips, "but if there really _is_ an emergency then they will alert you too."

Spock didn't counter that statement, though if it was because he couldn't think of another argument or simply chose to keep silent, Jim didn't know. He was nevertheless surprised at the ease with which he yielded.

"Very well, Jim."

An immediate grin split his face and he pressed closer still, feeling Spock's hot body pressing into his own.

"But this time please wake me up for my shift, okay?", Jim teased gently.

-/-

This time was different. The exhaustion looming over Jim's head was not quite as suffocating and wearing comfortable clothes was much more relaxing. Also this time they had slid under the covers and although it was much hotter than Jim would have preferred when going to sleep, he was more than ready to put up with it if it meant he could stay with Spock.

Jim wasn't even sure if Spock had intended to sleep, seeing as Vulcans required less rest than humans, but he had wordlessly accompanied Jim to bed.

Inching closer, Jim closed the space between them, pressing his front along Spock's side. Of course this resulted in him being even hotter, sweat already building on his body. A hot hand covered his own which Jim had placed on Spock's chest and their fingers intertwined instinctively.

Jim was already drifting off to sleep, cocooned in warmth and Spock's slightly alien scent. He was almost too far gone to actually hear the murmured words.

"Computer", Spock instructed softly, "lower room temperature 40%."

Feeling his lips quirk into a sleepy smile, Jim wanted to say something, but his brain was already too hazy to form words. The fingers around his own tightened and Jim gave up on words, following his body's need and willingly submitting to sleep.


	10. Chapter 10

**Emotionally Compromised**

Pairing: Jim/Spock

Rating: very hard R

Warnings: it's SLASH that means m/m love, don't like don't read

Disclaimer: i own nothing, and there is no copyright infringement intended. i also don't earn any kind of money by writing this.

**A/N.: **hiya everyone, i finally made it! i'm SO sorry it took so long, but you can't imagine how busy my life has been...

so, this chapter became so long that i split it. that means i'm posting part one (which is now ch10) tonight and tomorrow i will post the second part as ch11 because it needs one more edit.

this one is not too exciting plot-wise, but the next one is quite an important jump in the story-line. so relax while you still can, lol.

i really hope you'll enjoy, pls note that if i could raise the rating higher than R, i would haha, so i hope you don't mind ;).

although (as you might have noticed) i started replying to my reviewers individually via PMs, i still want to thank everyone who has left me a few lines up to now. also the ones who replied anonymously or 'not-signed-in'!

pls let me know what you think!

**

* * *

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**Chapter 10**

When Jim slowly slipped from sleep into consciousness, he was distantly surprised that no shrill alarm had woken him, there was simply his body telling him that he was well rested. He felt drowsy, but his limbs didn't ache with lack of sleep and his head was free from the stabbing pain his insomnia usually caused.

The blankets were thick and warm, the weight of them heavier than Jim was used to, when he shifted underneath them. One of his trouser legs had ridden up during the night and Jim was momentarily confused why he was wearing sweats in the first place.

When realisation finally hit home, Jim's eyes blinked open the same time as one of his hands slid over the sheets beside him in order to determine what he already knew. He was alone in the bed.

Flopping onto his back with a groan, Jim covered his face, rubbing his eyes until stars danced behind the closed lids, forcing him to draw his hands back and stare up into the darkness instead. Sometimes it was definitely annoying not to have windows.

Turning his head, Jim sought the chronometer, which was supposed to be on one of the bedside tables, only to find more darkness staring back at him. Had Spock removed it on purpose in order to manipulate Jim into further rest?

Exhaling in frustration, Jim wondered why the hell the Vulcan always fled the bed whenever Jim was in it. He hated waking up alone like this.

The sheets crumpled slightly as his hands curled around the fabric, right where Spock still should have been. His heart clenched painfully in his chest as he fought to keep his brain from throwing different possibilities at him.

Maybe he had moved too quickly? Had he scared Spock away with his impulsive attack the other night? But it wasn't as if the Vulcan had protested or anything…

Sitting up, Jim felt the duvet falling away and bunching around his waist.

"Lights", he ordered, his voice sounding as frustrated as he felt.

Almost immediately brightness pierced his eyes like daggers.

"Fuck", he cursed, pressing them shut on reflex, "Lights 50%."

Carefully re-opening his eyes, he jumped in surprise when he saw Spock standing on the other side of the room, most likely just having entered.

"Shit, Spock!", he exclaimed, completely taken aback, "You scared the fuck out of me!"

Spock inclined his head in the familiar fashion, the dimmed lights letting interesting shadows dance over his soft features, before slowly approaching the bed.

"I apologise.", he said quietly, coming to stand next to the bed close enough for Jim to touch should he reach out, "That was not my intention."

Spock was already clad in his uniform, looking as perfect as ever and as if he had already been up for several hours. His expression was unreadable and Jim wished he hadn't ordered the lights down, needing to see Spock's eyes.

Jim licked his lips, still unsure what to think. But Spock was here now, right? That had to be a good sign.

Right.

He hated that he felt as though he was balancing on a tightrope, the slightest disruption enough to make him fall into unknown darkness and completely uncertain whether anyone would catch him when he did.

"What's the time?", he asked, trying to bring his thoughts into some kind of order.

When he looked up into Spock's dark eyes he seemed even taller, his form straight and stiff next to the bed.

"0618 hours.", he answered without hesitation, "Approximate arrival time on Peros Theta IV is 1004."

Something in Spock's voice made Jim backtrack. He frowned slightly as he replayed the words in his head, noting the stiffness with which he had uttered the name of the planet that they would arrive on in a few hours.

"Is that why you're already roaming the halls?", Jim asked, studying Spock's face closely, carefully.

Spock's jaw was tight, as was his mouth and his shoulders looked tense enough to snap. His expression hadn't changed, which told Jim that there was definitely something up.

Any annoyance Jim might have felt upon finding Spock gone this morning, evaporated.

"C'mere", he said softly, patting the space in front of him, while drawing his legs into a cross-legged position under the covers.

Spock followed the movement with his eyes, before obediently taking a seat on the edge of the bed, close enough for Jim to feel the heat radiating from his body.

"So…", Jim started carefully, reaching out to gently take one of Spock's slender hands in his own, "do you want to tell me what's gotten you so twitchy?"

Hot fingers curled around his and Jim's heart thumped happily in his chest at the gesture, lazy tingles crawling up his arm.

"I am hardly twitchy.", Spock protested, though didn't look at him.

Jim's eyes bored into the Vulcan.

"You're so tense I'm surprised you haven't snapped in half yet.", he countered.

As if to underline that statement, Jim ran the hand that wasn't tangled with Spock's over one of his hot arms, feeling the tenseness of the muscles underneath before coming to rest on Spock's shoulder. The tips of Jim's fingers met the burning skin of Spock's neck and he couldn't help but shift them in order to feel the point where it transformed into silky black hair.

With the smallest of movements, Spock leaned into the touch, his shoulders relaxing the tiniest fraction. His fingers twitched slightly, before curling tighter around Jim's. The tingling sensation intensified.

"I can provide you with no logical explanation.", Spock offered quietly.

Jim was not fazed, leaning slightly closer so that he could breathe in Spock's scent. His hand slid further back, tangling into the black strands.

"So what's the illogical one?", he breathed, watching Spock shiver slightly.

His dark eyes locked onto his own as they stared at each other. Spock shifted his hand slightly in order to press their palms together for one, heart-stopping moment before drawing back slightly.

"I believe you would call it…'a bad feeling'.", he admitted softly, his deep velvety voice distracting Jim enough that his brain needed a minute to actually register what the Vulcan had said.

Frowning slightly, Jim gently carded his fingers through Spock's hair, caressing the nape of his neck as he thought of an appropriate reply.

There was no way he would stop touching Spock now that he finally could.

"We reviewed the little data we have about the Peronians a dozen times and you yourself said that they seem peaceful.", Jim said, thinking about how many hours had been spent analysing the situation.

That didn't mean they actually understood what was really going on. The planet next to Peros Theta IV, Taurus, had seemingly attacked the Peronians without any provocation. Seeing as the Peronians were peaceful they had neither the mindset nor the resources to engage in a war. They could hardly defend themselves.

What Jim didn't know was _why_ the Taurians wanted a war with Peros. This is what the meeting later today was supposed to tell them.

"Indeed.", Spock said, his eyes closing briefly as Jim ran the pads of his fingers over the pointed tip of an ear, "Though I must admit to being disconcerted at the lack of information we have been able to access. Species with telepathic abilities should be handled with care."

Jim looked deeply into Spock's eyes, cupping the back of his burning neck with the palm of his hand.

"So how am I doing so far?", he said in hardly more than a breath.

Spock tilted his head slightly, closing the remaining space between their lips and ghosted a fleeting kiss on Jim's mouth.

"Exceptionally well."

When their lips met again, Jim's mouth was curved into a smile.

Spock's tongue was hot against his own and Jim could feel the moan before it vibrated in his throat, his jaw slackening slightly in pleasure when Spock leaned into him, sending tingles across the back of his neck as the Vulcan's hand curved around it.

The spark of desire was sharp and instant, making Jim's cock turn from interested to rock-hard quicker than he thought possible. His fingers were already curling into Spock's collar, unthinkingly trying to pull him closer.

Spock let him, came down with him willingly as Jim let himself sink back onto the sheets. When Spock's weight settled on him, Jim could feel his shoulders sinking further into the mattress, his body straining to arch upwards but unable to move beneath the Vulcan's solid form.

His cock strained against his sweats, desperately seeking friction to combine with the delicious pressure.

Spock's tongue delved deeper, burning the roof of his mouth in a flawless imitation of what Jim loved to do to him. It was tentative, gentle, _perfect_.

Jim groaned low in his throat, head tipping back in surrender as the strokes of Spock's tongue became surer, harder.

Spock shifted, reapplying his weight carefully so not to crush him, but Jim wrapped his arms around Spock's slender waist, urging him down, driven by the need to feel his body aligning with his own.

Spock's breath hitched and Jim drank it in, his hips rolling upwards just as his hands ran down the Vulcan's back, feeling the heat of his skin through the fabric of his uniform shirt, feeling his muscles shifting as Spock shivered under his touch.

Suddenly it wasn't enough. The fabric was too rough under his damp hands, the clothes a frustrating barrier between them.

Jim shoved the offending fabric aside, tugging harshly on both shirts in order to reach bare skin, which burned against his palms as Jim smoothed them over Spock's back, before curving them around his hips in order to drag them closer to his own. Spock's hips gave a little, uncontrolled jerk, rubbing their arousals together and pressing Jim more firmly into the bed.

The uniform pants were a sharp contrast to the soft skin and Jim dipped his fingers under the waistband, feeling even hotter smoothness underneath. Spock made that undefinable little sound that made Jim want to make him scream.

Turning his head slightly, Jim slid his lips lower, pressing an open mouthed kiss to Spock's jaw as he rolled his hips upwards, spreading his thighs and curling one of his legs around one of Spock's to achieve better leverage.

This time instead of being muffled between their mouths, the soft sound was an explosion of hot air against his ear, sending a shiver of excitement down Jim's back. Spock's fingers twitched, curling into the sheets next to Jim's head.

Jim wanted those hands on him instead, wanted those fingers to dig into his skin and leave marks that would assure Jim this was real, that _they_ were real.

"Touch me", Jim whispered hotly, capturing Spock's lips in another passionate kiss as his fingers closed around Spock's slender hand.

Their lips parted as Spock shifted his weight to one arm, letting Jim guide his hand over his still clothed chest until Jim could feel his burning fingers brushing against his bare stomach, his shirt having moved slightly up to expose a thin sliver of skin.

Jim arched up, wanting to intensify the contact, but Spock's weight kept him in place. His dark eyes were fixed on Jim, burning with the fire that so rarely surfaced. Jim, whose hand still covered the Vulcan's, pressed down slightly, rubbing his fingers against Spock's as his hot palm left a tingling trail on his chest.

Weaving his trembling fingers into Spock's silken hair, Jim dragged him down and simply breathed in the hot air Spock exhaled in irregular little pants. Unable to resist, Jim's tongue flicked out to taste Spock's lips, watching them part. Jim drew back and Spock followed, chasing his mouth until it was crushed in another searing kiss.

Jim's moan was muffled by Spock's tongue and he could feel himself tremble as Spock's hand slid lower, his fingertips easily dipping beneath the waistband of his sweats.

He could pinpoint the moment Spock realised Jim wasn't wearing underwear, could feel his hand freezing in place and his fingers shaking slightly. Jim's own, slightly damp ones curled around Spock's wrist, the hotness of his skin causing even more perspiration.

_Please_.

Jim mouthed it into Spock's throat, caressed it into his skin, said it with the wanton arch of his hips.

And then Spock's hand was moving again, slowly but surely, only hesitating briefly before sliding over his cock, caressing it almost carefully. Jim's head fell back, a breathless moan filling the silence between them as his hips jerked upwards in an uncontrolled movement.

Spock's lips were back on his own, muffling the throaty sound escaping his mouth as his searing hand closed around Jim, sparks sparking to life under his skin.

Jim wanted for it to last, wanted to capture every single feeling between them and lock them away so he could re-live them again and again, but it was just too much. His cock was already wet with pre-come, weeping with every additional stroke of Spock's slender hand. His hands were trembling and frantic and Jim knew he was probably being rough, his fingers twisting in Spock's hair and his kisses so frantic that his teeth kept getting in the way, tugging at Spock's mouth and sinking into his soft tongue.

But Spock didn't stop, his fingers only tightening on his cock as he opened his mouth wider for Jim's insistent tongue, pressing his body into Jim's as he swallowed every desperate sound.

Jim couldn't breathe.

_so good, oh my god, Spock please, please_

And he didn't know if Spock could hear him, but he must have been able to feel it, because Jim could feel him, could feel Spock's emotions sparking to life under his skin and spreading out inside his body, tangling with his own.

His release was so close he could taste it, taste it as clearly as his own sweat and Spock that mingled into their kisses, saltiness burning their abused lips. Jim was drenched with it, his clothes as well as the sheets sticking to his skin, chafing it as he writhed under Spock's hot body, thrusting his cock into an even hotter hand.

And when it finally came, his vision went blank and everything was white and wet and Spock's lips slid from his so all the muffled sounds suddenly spilled out, desperate, throaty moans nearly drowned out by the rush of blood in his ears.

It was only when Jim's eyes blinked open that he realised he must have blacked out once again. He hoped this was not becoming a routine…Just as he hoped that it wasn't becoming a routine that they had sex with all their clothes still on. Everything was plastered to his skin and had he been able to find the energy, Jim would have thrown his clothes off.

Turning his head slightly, Jim found that Spock had moved off him, his form pressed along his side instead of lying on top of him. There was not an inch of space between them and Spock's face was so close that Jim had to shift his head back slightly in order to make out more than a blur, though they were still sharing breath.

Spock was regarding him silently and Jim realised that the Vulcan's hand was still trapped halfway beneath the waistband of his sweats. Jim shifted slightly, running one of his hands over the arm lying over his stomach and feeling the tension vibrating underneath. Tilting his head, Jim pressed a gentle kiss to the ridge of Spock's elegant nose, while he moved his leg and pressed his thigh into Spock's still hard cock.

Spock's hips shifted closer instinctively, his breath hot against Jim's face. The corners of Jim's mouth twitched into a small smile. His fingers met the bare skin of Spock's wrist and curled around it, gently tugging it free. Spock's eyes burned into him, following Jim's movement.

Feeling slightly mischievous, Jim finally did what he had wanted to try since finding out how sensitive Spock's hands were. He flicked his tongue out and ran it over Spock's pointer finger, tasting himself on the hot skin.

The reaction was immediate. Spock shuddered, his fingers twitching slightly just as his hips jerked, seeking friction against Jim's thigh.

Inching closer, Jim drew in a second finger, his cheeks hollowing slightly as he sucked them deeper into his mouth. Spock's eyes fell shut, his head turning, hiding in the curve of Jim's neck. Lips brushed against his skin as the Vulcan muffled his moan by pressing closer into him.

Jim relaxed his mouth, letting the fingers slip out and instead curling them together, Spock's still wet with both Jim's spit and cum. Jim's other hand slid beneath Spock's cheek, the cool sheets a sharp contrast to the skin burning his palm as he gently turned Spock's head in order to capture his soft mouth.

Spock parted his lips and his thighs for him, letting Jim press him into the mattress as he trapped his hand against the sheets, melding their palms together. Jim drank in his quiet moans, before letting his lips slide down Spock's pale throat, feeling the vibrations of suppressed groans beneath his tongue alongside the steady rhythm of his pulse.

Jim's other hand slid from Spock's burning face, finding its way blindly beneath the rumpled uniform and exposing more skin. Curling his fingers into Spock's collar, Jim tugged it down, his mouth latching onto the newly exposed area. Spock's hips jerked sharply as Jim sank his teeth into his flesh, sucking green blood to the surface with the sudden craving of leaving his mark on Spock. A mark only the two of them would know was there, right under the thin barrier of clothes and only millimetres from being visible.

Spock's grip on his hand tightened and Jim pressed down on it in response, while his mouth travelled lower. The skin beneath his lips was smooth and so _alive_, tasting of Spock and Jim's own sweat.

The hand that wasn't trapping Spock's followed the path of Jim's mouth, circling a nipple before trailing kisses down a quivering stomach, the hairs leading down to Spock's groin so soft they were almost invisible.

He felt them prickle against his tongue as he dipped it into Spock's navel, feeling the other writhe beneath him, a choked sound caught somewhere in his throat.

Spock's breathless, needy sounds were enough to make Jim ache and burn inside. Inhaling deeply, Jim drew Spock's scent into his lungs as one of his hands curled around a quivering thigh. His fingers were digging into it through the fabric of Spock's pants and he gripped Jim's hand tight enough to numb it.

Passion was singing through him, crawling underneath his skin, the tingling sparks having turned into a fire which only intensified the more skin he touched.

Jim licked his already wet lips, unable to tear his eyes away from Spock's flushed face, from his usually impeccable hair tangled and sticking up haphazardly.

Jim's grip on Spock tightened and dark eyes burned into him for the briefest moment before Spock turned his head to the side once more. Jim wanted to tell him _no, don't hide from me _wanted to tell him _you're so beautiful like this _and_ how can you not know that?_

But when Spock's eyes were suddenly locked onto him once more, the green tinge on his face even darker than before, Jim knew that he must have heard him anyway. The hand touching the side of his face was gentle and Jim leaned into it without thinking, turning briefly to press his lips to Spock's hot palm, feeling the faint lines there. They were softer, less defined than on human hands and Jim felt the urge to trace them with his tongue.

_Jim..._

His name was no more than a caress brushing against his mind, heavy with want and...Jim shivered. The fleeting contact not nearly enough to explore the depths that were Spock's emotions.

Drawn in like a magnet, Jim crawled back up Spock's body and met the hot mouth with his own, thrusting his tongue past soft lips. Spock's hand slid from his cheek into his hair, cradling his skull as they shared a hungry kiss.

Jim gently detangled his hand from where it was still held in a tight grasp and sought out the fly of Spock's pants. Numb fingers found the zip, but had great difficulty opening it. Spock's shaky hand joined his own and together they managed to finally shove his pants down a few inches.

Jim drew back slightly, panting, and carefully studied Spock's face. His eyes were darker than Jim ever remembered seeing them, his cheeks flushed deep emerald and lips parted and still wet from Jim's tongue.

Unable to resist, Jim brushed another kiss across Spock's lips, his hand still tangled in the other's pants. Shifting slightly, Jim slid his hand lower, the fabric of Spock's regulation briefs almost rough beneath his sensitised fingertips.

"Okay?", Jim asked softly, voice rough and punctured by heavy breathing.

Spock's hand tightened slightly in his hair as he drew him closer, until their lips almost touched.

"Yes."

That was all the encouragement Jim needed. Closing the remaining millimetres between them, Jim cupped Spock through his briefs and felt the zip scratching the back of his hand.

Jim hardly noticed, delving his tongue deeper into Spock's hot mouth and feeling him arch under his touch, pushing against him.

The briefs were slightly damp under his palm and his own renewed arousal throbbed in sympathy as Jim found a way underneath, finally cupping Spock's naked cock. It had to be the hottest part Jim had touched up to now and it felt velvety soft in his hand.

Spock's jaw slackened slightly in pleasure and Jim took advantage of this, tonguing the roof of his mouth, pressing against now familiar territory.

Stroking gently, Jim felt more wetness smearing his palm. Running his thumb over the tip, Spock arched against him, hands flexing and holding onto Jim tightly.

It wasn't enough. He needed closer, more, needed to taste Spock.

Drawing back slightly, Jim pressed an uncoordinated kiss to Spock's jaw, before making his way back down, leaving faint marks whenever he paused to gently nip at the soft skin.

This time he didn't take the time to explore the area too closely, too impatient to wait any longer. Jim tugged on the fabric that was still in his way, managing to bare more skin. Leaning in, he inhaled Spock's alien scent before darting his tongue out for an experimental lick.

Spock's hips jerked slightly in reflex and Jim shifted his weight, his hands sliding into place in order to hold them down. He knew that it was probably more of a reminder than anything else, seeing as his strength was no match for Spock's. He knew that all too well from experience.

Spock was hot and heavy on his tongue the taste as alien as the scent surrounding him, though far from unpleasant. When Jim buried his nose into the soft hair of Spock's groin, sucking gently, he heard the Vulcan's breath hitch and felt the shiver running through his body.

It should have been awkward with Spock's pants tangled with his briefs, tapping his legs and getting in Jim's way. It shouldn't have felt this good to taste bitter pre-cum on his tongue and instead of blocking out the taste wanting more of it.

Jim had given his fair share of head, but it had never been like this. He had never been more aroused, never been that greedy to take it in and feel it hitting the back of his throat.

Spock moaned low in his throat, his hips shifting upwards slightly and Jim let him, taking him readily. Long fingers curled into his short hair and Jim let him do that too, knowing that Spock wouldn't hurt him.

If it had been anyone else, Jim would probably have bit them for trying to hold him in place, but this wasn't anyone else. This was different. _Spock_ was different. His hands were too gentle to be controlling and when Spock's other hand returned to the side of his face, instead of pushing it away, Jim covered it with his own. Their fingers twined and Jim slid his mouth down, rubbing his tongue over the underside and lapping up more of the bitter fluid.

His own cock was straining against its confines and Jim moaned helplessly as he sought friction against the sheets while trying to keep focused on the task at hand.

When Jim felt Spock tense and the muscles under his fingers tighten, the burning under his skin intensified. Instead of drawing back, Jim sucked harder, letting Spock clutch his hair and his hand as he shuddered through his orgasm.

The taste was even more bitter once it flooded his mouth, but Jim hardly noticed as he swallowed it almost hungrily, his hips jerking against the mattress once, twice before he followed Spock over the edge.

When the rushing in his ears subsided and the whiteness faded from his vision, Jim's first hazy thought was that he had managed not to pass out this time.

Relaxing his mouth, Jim let Spock slide out and for the first time felt the ache in his jaw. He was so drained that he simply lay his head on Spock's hip and closed his eyes for a moment.

Slightly shaky hands carded through his hair, the fingertips warm against his scalp. Jim's fingers curled around the ones still holding his, caressing them lazily. The tingles it sent up his arm were as sleepy as him, his eyelids and muscles heavy as lead. Jim found it hard to believe how awake he had felt before.

When the fingers he held lost some of their hotness, Jim forced his scrambled brain together in order to crawl back up Spock's rapidly cooling body and blanket it with his own. Jim was aware that the trousers and briefs that were still tangled around Spock's thighs had to be uncomfortable, but he couldn't bring up enough energy to move off yet.

If Spock minded, he didn't say so, one of his arms curling around Jim's body while his other hand stayed in his hair. He turned his still flushed face into Jim's neck, and shifted to accommodate him.

Chilled skin warmed beneath his own and Jim brushed an instinctive, blind kiss against whatever was closest to him, his lips grazing an upswept eyebrow.

"You okay?", Jim mumbled, moving his leg slightly so the side of his knee was pressed against one of Spock's hips.

The arm around him slid lower, before Spock tightened his hold slightly as the fingers of his other hand caressed the nape of his neck.

"I am quite satisfied."

Jim snorted, his mouth curving into an involuntary smile as he heaved himself up on still shaky arms in order to look into Spock's eyes. They were alight with amusement and confirmed Jim's suspicion.

"Careful there, Spock, or I'll start believing you're trying to be funny.", he teased gently, smile widening.

One corner of Spock's mouth lifted the tiniest bit, his dark eyes softening further and Jim couldn't resist pressing a kiss to it.

Spock's lips were pliant beneath his own, parting at the gentle touch of Jim's tongue. Just as the kiss deepened and their hands found each other again, a shrill beeping noise made Jim jump in surprise.

Almost yanking his head back in surprise, his eyes flew open. Spock seemed less startled, his arms never leaving their place.

"Computer, deactivate alarm.", he ordered quietly and the beeping stopped immediately.

Jim groaned and let his head fall back down, his forehead pressing into Spock's smooth shoulder.

"Don't tell me we have to get up.", his voice was still rough and his throat felt scratchy.

Spock's fingers were hot as they caressed his back, his voice deep and slightly husky as he replied.

"Would my not saying it make any difference as to your reluctance to comply?"

Jim's grin was back and he snorted again, thumping Spock lightly on his still bare ribs and felt the anticipated, satisfying jerk that followed.

"Smug bastard.", Jim mumbled against the skin of Spock's neck, though it sounded more affectionate than gruff.

Comfortable silence stretched between them and Jim never wanted to move again – well, except to maybe have a shower. Which led him to another problem.

Reluctantly, Jim raised his head once more and watched Spock's eyebrow twitch upwards in silent inquiry.

"I don't have any clothes here.", Jim said, "So either I walk out there with cum stains all over me, or I take a shower and walk out in nothing but a towel. What do you think would look less suspicious?"

Spock's eyebrow rose higher, the glint of amusement in his eyes unmistakable.

"I am quite certain these are not the only two options."

Jim shifted slightly, tracing the arched eyebrow with his finger.

"Oh yeah?"

Turning his head slightly, Spock allowed the caress and Jim drew and invisible line down and over one high cheekbone before cupping the side of his face. The hand that had been resting on Jim's back, slid lower, Spock's hot palm pressing against his side right were his heart was supposed to be, were he Vulcan.

"Allow me to shower first then I will retrieve the necessary garments while you do the same.", he said quietly.

Jim sighed, wishing they could stay like this all day. Brushing one last kiss against Spock's soft lips, he obediently started to shift off his hot body. Both of Spock's hands cupped his hips, almost lifting him before gently relocating him onto the bed.

"Sounds like a plan.", Jim heard himself say, slightly breathless.

Resisting the urge to draw Spock back onto him, he buried himself into the rumpled sheets and watched through half lidded eyes as Spock managed to look graceful getting up, even though his pants and underwear were still tangled around his thighs.

The smooth skin was covered quickly as Spock unceremoniously tugged them up as best as he could and vanished from his line of vision.

Jim closed his eyes, content to simply lie there surrounded by their combined scents. His clothes stuck to his body and disgust replaced afterglow. Trying to take them off with as little movement as possible, Jim threw the shirt over the side and kicked his sweats to the end of the bed, were he felt them fall over the edge.

He didn't know how long he dozed after that, but it couldn't have been more than a few minutes before Spock emerged from the bathroom already clad in a clean uniform.

Sitting up, Jim felt the sheets pooling around his waist and Spock zeroed in on his naked chest for a moment, the heated gaze enough to send a shiver down his back. Looking away quickly, Spock wordlessly crossed the room and handed him a fresh towel.

"Thanks.", Jim said quietly, his voice still rough.

Spock simply nodded in acknowledgement, before exiting his quarters in order to go and fetch Jim's clothes. He couldn't help but stare at his retreating form, taking in the straight line of his back and the flash of skin before his uniform's collar began.

Sighing, Jim finally tore his eyes from the closed door, shaking his head at himself. Grabbing the towel, he got out of bed and made his way into the bathroom.

It didn't look any different from his own, just as big and white, but with fewer possessions cluttering the surfaces. Everything was, unsurprisingly, neatly arranged and downright minimalist.

The towel Spock must have used was neatly hung on the heated towel-rail to dry and upon stepping into the shower stall, Jim saw only the Starfleet standard bottles filled with the bland smelling soap and shampoo.

It was strange that Jim detested them, because Spock had always smelled good to him.

Pushing any further thoughts to the back of his mind, Jim chose the water instead of the sonic function, aware that Spock must have made the opposite choice, and grimaced slightly as he poured first the shampoo and then the liquid soap onto his hand.

Jim's hair was still wet when he emerged from the bathroom, one towel wrapped around his waist while he held a smaller one in his hands, droplets of water dripping onto his shoulders and chest. Spock was seated behind his desk, seemingly absorbed in one of his datapads.

A new uniform was laid out on the now made bed and Jim wiped at the wet spots on his skin as he made his way over to it. He didn't know if Spock was simply trying to give him privacy or if he was maybe uncomfortable seeing him naked.

Fully dressed, Jim walked over to the Vulcan, one of his hands still rubbing the towel over his damp hair. Looking over his shoulder, Jim saw that Spock was checking the messages in his inbox. Not wanting to intrude on his privacy, Jim turned to lean against the table and silently watched Spock turn off the pad before putting it aside.

To Jim's greatest surprise, Spock stood and gently took the towel from Jim's hands. With careful movements he proceeded to run it over his short hair. Jim could feel Spock's fingers as he gently pressed them through the towel against his scalp in small circular motions.

Jim's eyes fell shut as he leaned into the caress, shifting slightly until their bodies were pressed together and Jim could feel Spock's heat seeping through their clothes.

When Spock lowered his arms, Jim's head felt colder than before and he instinctively moved closer.

"Alpha Shift starts in 13.3 minutes.", Spock said softly and Jim could feel his hot breath against his face.

Placing his hands on Spock's shoulders, Jim could feel that some of the previous tenseness had returned. Sliding them upwards, Jim ran his fingers over the hot skin of Spock's neck before tugging him closer and placing a soft kiss to his lips.

"Nothing's gonna happen.", Jim murmured, still unsure what exactly had alarmed the Vulcan.

It was not at all like him to trust illogical intuition, but there was no denying the worry Jim could see in the subtle frown that was only visible if you really knew what you were looking for.

Spock didn't reply, simply tilted his head slightly and caught Jim's mouth in another kiss, hands hot as they curled around Jim's hips.

Sighing, Jim parted his lips and pressed more firmly against Spock. He was doomed, unable to resist the Vulcan in any way.

Spock's hands slid to the small of his back, the lump of the towel pressing tightly into Jim. He could feel himself melting into the Vulcan, his tongue delving deeper into the much hotter mouth and curling with Spock's pliant one.

A faint crackling noise was the only warning they got before Sulu's slightly tinny voice made them jump apart.

"_Bridge to Commander Spock."_

Spock looked slightly lost for a moment, the towel still clutched in his hands. Jim cleared his throat, glad that the communication only went one way until accepted.

Spock visibly composed himself and finally draped it over the chair he had vacated only moments before. Bending down slightly to the comm link, Spock pressed the appropriate button to accept the transmission.

"Spock here.", his voice sounded perfectly neutral.

"_Is the Captain with you?"_

Spock's eyes rose to meet Jim's and they looked at each other for a moment, before Jim leaned over to answer.

"Right here, Sulu.", he said calmly, "What's up?"

Seemingly unsurprised, Sulu continued.

"_We're making good time and should reach Peros Theta IV before the estimated arrival_ _time."_, the pilot answered, _"In about an hour, if calculations are correct and we meet no other interferences."_

"Understood, Leuitanent.", Jim replied, "Kirk out."

Pressing the button to cut the connection, Jim used his other hand to rub the bridge of his nose. When he looked back up, Spock hadn't moved, his form ramrod straight once again.

"You coming with me?", Jim inquired, feeling slightly awkward.

Spock inclined his head in that particular way of his, making his eyes seem all the more dark and mysterious as they regarded Jim.

"I will follow shortly.", he answered, no emotion betraying his voice.

Jim nodded. It was probably a good idea for both their composures to gain a bit of distance as much as Jim wanted to glue himself to his First's side.

Resisting the urge to step closer for another kiss, which he new would simply lead to another extensive make-out session, Jim shrugged helplessly.

Wordlessly Spock extended his right hand, a gesture which Jim had become familiar with, though this time there was something different.

Spock had curled three fingers towards his palm, leaving only his pointer and middle finger. Jim regarded them with mild surprise, before following his instinct and simply copying the gesture with his own right hand.

His fingers tingled pleasantly when Spock touched them with his own, a simple but lingering press of fingertips before he withdrew.

Straightening slightly, Spock's hands vanished behind his back.

"I will see you on the bridge, Captain."

With one last nod, Jim turned and left his First Officer's quarters, pointedly not looking if anyone was casting strange glances his way.

He had a ship to run.


	11. Chapter 11

**Emotionally Compromised**

Pairing: Jim/Spock

Rating: very hard R

Warnings: it's SLASH that means m/m love, don't like don't read

Disclaimer: i own nothing, and there is no copyright infringement intended. i also don't earn any kind of money by writing this.

**A/N.: **so, just as promised here is ch11. thanks for all the positive responses, i'll do my best, as always, to update quickly.

i took several creative liberties with this chapter and will add some end-notes. feel free to ask if there is anything on your mind!

let me know what you think!

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**Chapter 11**

The air was so cold that Jim could see his breath in a cloud in front of his face. It was not quite as cold as he remembered Delta Vega to be, but cold enough to make him shive despite the thick coat he was wearing.

There was no snow, at least, and Jim was enormously grateful for that. He wasn't really crazy about cold, wet things (which definitely included rain and snow).

Glancing to his right, Jim threw a concerned glance into Spock's direction. He knew that despite having taken the precaution of wearing a much warmer coat, the Vulcan was most likely very uncomfortable in the icy cold environment.

The Peronians' greeting was warm, a sharp contrast to their planet and Jim could not help but notice the irony. Vulcans, who preferred desert-like environments, could have the most chilling attitude, whereas the Peronians, who lived in the cold all year round, seemed to be one of the most friendly and open races Jim had ever encountered.

"Please, follow us, you must be freezing.", said the older Peronian who had been the one to officially greet them, introducing himself as Lahs, "My wife is waiting with hot _teehan_ in our home."

Lahs' Standard was flawless, though not without an accent. Compared to the away team, which consisted of Spock, Ensign Reynolds, Ensign Thomas and Jim himself, who were all buried in heavy clothing, the Peronians, although clad in heavy coats which reached to the ground, seemed in no need to protect their heads or hands from the harsh weather. It was, therefore, easy to notice that all of them had flaming red hair and skin as pale as snow. Other than that, they were humanoid, their features maybe a bit softer and rounder.

Jim knew that Peronians were telepaths, though there was no information as to what kind of telepaths. Until now there had been no outward indication of it and Jim wondered if their telepathy worked through touch, just like the Vulcans'. Though on second thought that was probably pretty unlikely, seeing as the Peronians were quite touchy-feely, at least as far as Jim could tell.

The walk to Lahs' home was mercifully short, but Jim soon discovered that Peronians obviously didn't live separately, but together in a huge building. It was the plainest architecture Jim had ever seen and it looked more like an uneven shaped block of stone than anything else. It was unpainted and featured many windows. Sweeping his eyes over the monstrosity, it took Jim only a minute before noticing that one section of the building lay in ruins, the remaining stone black from a fire that had obviously raged there not too long ago.

When they entered, warmth washed over them almost immediately along with the pleasant smell that was probably the equivalent of cinnamon on this planet. Jim didn't know what he was supposed to expect, but this surely hadn't been it.

The room they had entered was, in fact, a huge hall. Big, soft couches, various armchairs, coffee tables, bookshelves and several other things one would find in a living room occupied almost every free space in the room. It all seemed to have simply been dragged there and left with no particular order in mind. Actually, Jim could see two Peronian boys who were currently relocating a couch in order to join a bigger party of already seated girls.

Jim's initial observation seemed to hold true. Every Peronian in sight was just as red haired and pale as the ones who had greeted them. They also seemed to have an affinity for old fashioned clothing. Every female in sight was clad in a long dress and the males all wore button down shirts, no t-shirts.

Sharing a fleeting look with Spock, Jim could see how uncomfortable the Vulcan was in a setting that was the complete opposite of what he was used to. The murmurs of hundreds of voices chatting animatedly together had to be anything but soothing to his sharp ears.

Jim wished that he could touch Spock, to take his hot, slender hand in his own and curl their fingers together.

Shaking his head, Jim tore his gaze from the Vulcan. This was not the time for fantasising about Spock. When Jim focused his attention back on Lahs and his fellow Peronians, he saw that some women had joined them. One of them, a particularly round faced, small elderly woman approached him and helped him out of his heavy coat with a big smile.

Risking another glance at his crew, Jim saw Reynolds and Thomas smiling back at the Peronians who were currently taking their coats while Spock stood ramrod straight, face tight and unsmiling as he tried to avoid physical contact.

Jim sighed quietly. Had he known that the Peronians were this affectionate, he would have taken Bones or Sulu with him instead.

"This is my wife, Hehda.", Lahs voice tore Jim from his thoughts and he turned his head, a smile of his own stealing onto his lips as he met the round-faced woman's gaze who had just taken his coat.

Their smiles seemed to be infectious.

"Pleased to meet you, ma'am.", Jim answered politely.

Reaching out with both hands Hehda offered the traditional Peronian greeting, clasping his fingers in a warm and gentle grip as Jim returned the gesture.

"It is my pleasure.", she answered brightly, her accent so thick Jim had to concentrate to make out the words, "We are honoured over your visit, please, you and your crew sit in warmth."

Jim had to suppress his amusement, unable not to find Hehda and her broken Standard kind of endearing.

"Thank you, Hehda.", he said mildly.

They were ushered further into the hall and Jim chose the first available couch, thinking that it might help Spock to be seated closer to the entrance.

"I believe you would like to warm yourselves before we begin with our discussion about politics.", Lahs said, "My wife will bring you _teehan_ and something to eat and I will have you escorted to the conference room in thirty minutes."

"Thank you, Lahs.", Jim said, and meant it.

The Peronian smiled at them one last time, before departing with his wife.

While Reynolds and Thomas were busy following several pretty Peronian girls with their eyes, Jim turned his attention to his First Officer.

Spock's eyes were studying the room and its occupants carefully, his expression closed off.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know they'd be quite like that.", Jim said quietly, trusting Spock to hear him nevertheless.

Spock's eyes turned to look at him and Jim couldn't remember when they had last been this unreadable.

"Indeed.", he answered, seemingly tight-lipped.

Jim studied him more closely, trying to find a way beneath his mask.

"They haven't really touched you or come near you at all.", he said carefully, "They seem to know you don't like it."

Spock's expression was almost hard when his eyes darted across the room before settling back on Jim's face.

"They are aware of all our preferences.", he said, voice so soft Jim had to lean closer in order to understand him, "They are mind-readers."

-/-

When they finally emerged from the conference room, where they had spent the last five hours with Lahs, Hehda and several other Peronians discussing the current situation with the Taurians, Jim still wasn't sure if he had wrapped his brain around the fact that all of these people knew what he was thinking.

Not once after officially informing them of their ability had the Peronians made any indication that they were aware of their thoughts, but Jim's head was aching from the effort it had cost him to keep his mind off everything except the meeting and the political situation of the planet.

If the Peronians' descriptions were correct, and Jim saw no reason why he shouldn't trust them, the Taurians were a very primitive but also much larger people. Taurus was more than twice as big as Peros Theta IV and their birth rate about four times higher. Their culture was simple and they had no telepathic abilities, which was why they wanted the Peronians as their slaves. Lahs had also informed them that they intended to cross-breed Peronians with Taurians in order to produce telepathic Taurian offspring.

Stumbling back towards the main hall, Reynolds and Thomas looked as exhausted as Jim felt, but when he looked at Spock he was unsurprised to find the same stony expression on his face that he had worn since arriving on the planet.

Lahs welcomed them to mingle until dinner, encouraging them to take a look around and after seeking Jim's permission, Reynolds and Thomas went off to do exactly that.

Jim was about to address Spock, when he saw that Lahs had engaged his First in conversation. Far too trained in diplomatic relations, Spock politely focused his attention on the Peronian.

This left Jim at something of a loss.

He let his eyes sweep the hall, before shrugging and aimlessly walking in no particular direction. There were more people around now than before, all engaged in social activities and looking absolutely content. Jim couldn't help but admire the way that the Peronians seemed to be one big family.

He had never seen so many books in once place, but Peronians didn't seem to be very fond of technology. Maybe that was also the reason why there was so little data about them.

After having examined some of the books, which were of course all written in Peronian, Jim let himself fall onto one of the big couches at the edge of the room. They still had another two hours until dinner and Jim hadn't had the heart to refuse Lahs' kind invitation to stay for the meal.

Involuntarily, his eyes sought out the tall form of his First, easily spotting him on the other side of the room, still talking to Lahs, his dark hair and height giving him away easily.

He wondered what it would be like to read Spock's mind, to try and follow the completely different mind patterns of a Vulcan brain. Jim contemplated whether it was true that they could think of several different things at once, if Spock thought in formulas or charts.

Shaking his head at that bizarre thought, Jim smiled sardonically, forcing his eyes to look away. He was treading very dangerous territory and it was time he got a grip on himself.

"Good afternoon, Jim."

Jim jumped, completely taken by surprise by the unfamiliar voice that had addressed him from behind with his name.

Turing his head sharply, Jim's breath caught in his throat and he all but forgot breathing.

Green skin, wild red hair and a slender body clad in a cream dress all swam together in front of his eyes. His heart clenched in his chest.

"Gaila…", he breathed, almost choking on his own breath.

The Orion smiled softly, before extending two hands to him in greeting. Jim reached out numbly, grasping her warm fingers in his. Her skin was soft and her hands small, curling around his own.

He had to blink to clear his vision and found big, dark eyes looking at him carefully. Jim inhaled sharply.

Of course she wasn't Gaila. Gaila had had steely grey coloured eyes. Her form had been taller, her breasts bigger and her hair shorter. On closer inspection, the girl in front of him only distantly resembled the Orion friend he had lost forever.

"May I sit with you?", she asked, her voice softer and more girlish than Gaila's.

Swallowing hard, Jim nodded, not yet having regained enough control over himself in order to pry his numb fingers from the Orion girl. If she minded, she gave no indication, simply lowering herself onto the couch next to him in one graceful move.

"I am called Laiha.", she informed him with a smile, "I did not mean to frighten you. I was…curious I believe is word you use."

Jim's eyes were glued to her, unbelieving, his brain unable to catch up with the current events.

"Curious?", Jim echoed numbly.

Laiha blushed quite colourfully, casting her eyes down and finally withdrawing her hands. Jim let her, retracting his own quickly when he realised he had still held on to them, nervously rubbing his palms on his black uniform pants.

She glanced up at him from under her lashes, suddenly shy.

"I must admit I have been reading your mind.", she confessed hesitantly, "It is interesting. Different from others."

Jim blinked, instinctively leaning back and slightly away from her as if physical distance could shield his mind from her scrutiny. He still didn't know enough about Peronian telepathy and was unsure how to act, how to reply.

He shifted uncomfortably on his seat and when he re-focused back on Laiha, he found her eyes wide with alarm.

"Please do not tell Grandfather.", Laiha said softly, abruptly grasping for his hands once more, "He would be unhappy. He told me not to be rude to our guests, but…I could not…"

She trailed off suddenly looking as unsure as Jim felt, her eyes darting around the room before coming to rest on him once again as if wanting to assure herself that her grandfather wasn't in hearing distance.

Jim took pity on her, his head still spinning in confusion.

"I won't tell him.", he reassured her, even as he wondered who her grandfather actually was.

His own eyes swept the room briefly, wondering if the Peronian in question was present.

"You know him as Lahs.", she answered the unasked question, startling Jim with the knowledge that she had, once again, read his mind.

Recoiling slightly, he wondered if it would help to try and clear his mind. It was strange that a whole conference room full of mind-readers had alarmed him less than one girl. But Laiha was different, seemingly able to tear open wounds he had believed healed long ago with nothing but her presence.

"I see.", was all he was able to choke out.

Laiha withdrew her hands as if stung and Jim regretted his thoughts, while at the same time trying to suppress the emotions that threatened to arise. His chest ached and he tried to remember to breathe.

"Forgive me.", her voice was so soft it was almost a whisper and remorse was written all over her, "I did not mean…I saw someone like me in your mind and…I know no Orions except mother, and grandfather says she is different. I wanted…forgive me, Jim."

The way she said his name felt like a punch to the stomach. It was as if he was catapulted back in time.

"_Jim", he could hear Gaila insist in his head, "You promised me, so move your ass and meet me at the front gate. You can even bring the grumpy doctor if you want, but no backing out this time."_

It was a random memory, about Gaila dragging him to a new club Jim had found horribly tacky. He had no idea where it had come from, could only remember the way her face had lit up when he had finally kept his promise and endured a whole night there.

Jim shook his head and ran a hand through his hair as if this way he could erase everything.

"It's not your fault.", he said softly, forcing himself to look at her, "So, uhm,…your mum's Orion? Isn't that a bit far from home?"

His attempt to lighten the mood was met by Laiha's own efforts as she shifted in her seat to look at him, using one of her delicate hands to throw long strands of red hair over her shoulder with practiced ease.

"She was sold to the Taurians long years ago, but my father saved her.", she said, not a trace of discomfort visible despite the private nature of the topic, "They bonded, so she never went back. But she does not want to tell me information about Orion or about her life before bonding with father. I do not know anything about planet or language. I have never left Peros, but it is my dream."

Jim nodded thoughtfully, knowing how hard it was to crave information about yourself and be refused. His mother had been just like that, too sad to talk about his father even years after his death. He knew nothing about him, nothing that was important or personal.

"I am sorry for your father.", Laiha said gently, tearing him from his thoughts as one of her slender green hands found its way back into his own, "You carry great pain in you, great…conflict I believe is word. I like you, Jim, I do not wish you pain, only happiness."

Jim's eyes snapped to hers, studying her dark eyes carefully. They were almost the same shade as Spock's, though Jim doubted he would have been able to find eyes more different from the Vulcan's. She was so open, so ready to embrace his pain.

Her hand felt strange, so much smaller than Spock's. He had become so used to the Vulcan's touch lately, that it was hard to remember anyone else's.

Jim felt cornered, unused to someone giving so readily without him having to beg for it in some way or the other.

"You don't know me.", he sounded more defensive than he had intended.

Nevertheless, Laiha smiled at him and for a moment she looked much older than the girl she seemed to be. It made Jim feel stupidly young and he hated that.

"When one can know people from the inside it is quick to know if you like or not. It is the way of our people.", she said, "And I like your mind, Jim."

There was his name again and he was still unsure whether he was okay with hearing it from her or not. Gaila's face surfaced once more and the guilt almost suffocated him when he thought that this was all that was left of her. A timeless memory that couldn't change.

"You like her a lot.", Laiha said gently and the way her fingers curled tighter around his own somehow helped him breathe, "I believe she like you too. She not someone who would want you to feel guilt."

Jim inhaled, his lungs burning as much as his eyes and he looked away. It felt wrong to not talk about her somehow. He had never been good at this, talking about the dead. He was too much like his mother, suffering in silence and unwilling to show anyone the extent of his pain. Why rip open the same wounds by dragging memories to the surface and taking them apart with words?

But Gaila deserved to be talked about. She had been a good friend, a good person. Her memory was too precious to be killed with silence. Jim had caused her enough pain, he owed her this much and more.

"We became friends in my second year at the Academy. She was in more of my classes than Bones. She was very loyal, very caring despite what other people thought of her.", Jim forced the words out, voice rough, "She was a brilliant mechanic and so excited at the thought of serving on a starship. She would've been a good Chief Engineer…She didn't deserve it, none of it. It should have been me on the Farragut and her on the Enterprise. She was…She was better than I could ever be."

The words left a bitter taste in his mouth and Laiha's hand gently squeezed his, her gaze warm and full of sorrow.

"Blame makes heart heavy, Jim.", she said sadly, "And does not bring loved ones back."

A small, harsh sound that might have been a laugh tore itself from Jim's throat as the burning in his eyes intensified.

"I know.", he rasped, "God, do I know that."

Silence stretched between them and Jim focused on breathing. Somehow, even though the guilt was still there, his heart felt lighter. Maybe all those people were onto something, maybe talking about things did help.

Laiha was quiet next to him, her eyes busy darting around the room. When they finally turned back to look at him, Jim had managed to collect himself considerably.

"I believe your bondmate is searching you.", she said.

Jim wasn't sure he had heard her correctly, his brow furrowing in confusion.

"Bondmate?", he echoed, unable to follow.

Laiha looked at him searchingly and Jim became aware that their hands were still linked. He drew back instinctively, wary of having his mind read again.

Laiha let him, folding them in her lap instead. She fixed her eyes onto something across the room.

"Your Vulcan.", she clarified.

Jim stared at her for a moment, before following her gaze. Spock had not moved from his previous spot, but Lahs was nowhere to be seen and his dark eyes were scanning the room.

The thoughts of facing Spock in his current emotional state made him lean back, deeper into the shadows of the surrounding bookshelves. He wouldn't be able to explain and he knew the Vulcan would feel it once he was close enough.

Turning back to the Orion, Jim picked up the thread of conversation, wanting to rectify her assumption.

"Spock isn't my bondmate, Laiha.", he said, the word feeling strange and unfamiliar on his tongue.

This time it was Laiha who frowned. It didn't suit her.

"But you love each other and he is Vulcan.", she said, all her attention fixed on him, "He would not be with partner that is not bondmate. It is the way of our people also."

The air he had inhaled seconds before got stuck in his throat and Jim choked, coughs wrenching from his lungs as his body protested.

Laiha's hand landed on his shoulder, her frown now one of concern.

"_What?_", he rasped, panting harshly as the last coughs forced their way out.

Suddenly her eyes widened.

"He has not told you.", Laiha gasped, before a million different emotions flitted across her face, "Forgive me, I have been hasty. It was not mine to tell. I did not know,…your love is so clear…"

Her hand slid from his shoulder and she fidgeted nervously, seemingly just as taken aback as Jim himself was. He made a frantic, uncoordinated gesture which even he himself didn't know what it was supposed to convey.

"I'm not-", he started to protest, reacting almost allergically to the word 'love', before halting in mid-sentence.

Wasn't he? How was he supposed to describe what was between him and Spock? But _love_?

Jim blanched, feeling suddenly sick at the emotional overload. His old instinct to simply run was so strong he almost jumped up and followed it.

Laiha regarded him with ever deepening concern, before wordlessly standing and tugging him to his feet, her eyes scanning the area around them.

"Come with me, Jim", she said gently, ushering him forward, "I believe you need air."

Jim stumbled forward, uncaring how Laiha knew exactly what he needed right this moment.

They passed several bookshelves, shrouded in shadow as they made their way along the wall. Jim didn't even see where they were going.

Icy cold air hit his face as soon as they stepped onto the small balcony, a harsh wind whipping through his hair as he stepped forward towards the railing. They had come outside without coats and Jim was sure that his blood would freeze in his veins any minute.

Thick white puffs of air clouded his vision as he slumped against the railing, his elbows digging into the stone uncomfortably. His head was spinning and he closed his eyes for a moment.

Laiha said nothing, doubtless aware of his need to regain composure.

When he finally looked back up at her, she hadn't moved.

"So you think Spock…loves me?", Jim almost whispered, as if saying the words hurt him and unsure whether he wanted to know the answer, "Did you…did you read his mind too?"

Laiha approached him slowly, carefully as someone would a wild animal. She came to stand beside him, leaning her back against the railing in order to be able to look at him.

"He is well trained.", she told him softly, "We cannot read him. He is aware of our constant communication and does not want part of it. Vulcans are too private. They do not understand us."

"So you don't know if…", Jim trailed off.

Laiha shook her head, red strands flying in the breeze.

"I did not say this.", she interjected, "A bond is already forming. Have you melded minds with your Vulcan?"

The fist around his heart squeezed tighter and his elbows grew numb from the cold stone beneath them.

"No", he replied, thinking intently about their encounters up to now, "Spock never mentioned it."

Laiha turned her head slightly, brushing some of her long hair off her face and tucking it behind her ear as she studied him carefully.

"He does not want to force you.", she mused, "Melding minds would strengthen the bond and make it real. You are not pleased with idea of bonding, your Vulcan must sense it in you."

Jim let out a frustrated, harsh sound. What the hell else had Spock not deemed important enough to fucking tell him? Before he knew it he was swinging his fist with the need to hit something in a feeble attempt to release some energy. It connected painfully with the stone, ripping away skin and leaving his knuckles throbbing and bleeding.

"Great!", he yelled, unable to reign in his anger, "Fucking fantastic! So, what? I'm hurting Spock because he knows I don't want to bond with him? That I don't want something I'll have no chance of escaping? Cause that's what it is, isn't it? Something that ties you down and makes you all vulnerable and dependant on the other person, right?"

Laiha regarded him silently, seriously and was seemingly unfazed by his outburst.

"And you do not depend on him now?", she asked quietly.

The words sliced through him like a knife. Despite being outside, Jim suddenly felt as if walls were closing in on him, trapping him.

Why hadn't Spock told him?

His lungs constricted and he couldn't breathe. What had he done? He had chased Spock - determinedly, passionately, relentlessly and so very, very selfishly. He couldn't do this. How could he be with Spock knowing he was hurting him? Knowing that he needed something he couldn't give, something he was incapable of.

He was not that other Jim Kirk, he could not give Spock what he wanted.

But Jim _did _want Spock. So very much. With every choking breath he took he burned for Spock.

Why hadn't he_ told_ him?

Bones had warned him.

_Fuck_, Bones must have _known_!

Suddenly, Laiha's hand was gripping his arm so tightly it hurt, nails digging into his flesh through his uniform. She was stronger than Jim had thought.

"Jim!", her voice had lost its calm, his name coming out as a hiss, "Taurians! They are attacking!"

Jim looked around wildly, scanning the sky. His head was spinning with the sudden change of events. Two warships were flying towards them at full speed. His change to Captain-mode was instinctive and immediate, almost painful considering the force with which he pushed his feelings aside.

The first line of phaserfire set a group of trees aflame, the second blast hit so close to them that Jim could feel the heat as the shot missed them and hit the wall only two meters to their left.

Bits of stone were catapulted everywhere and Jim covered his eyes, feeling them bounce off his skin. Within seconds they were covered in scratches, which burned as the fine dust found its way into the open wounds.

Instinctively, Jim grabbed Laiha, shielding her with his body as he pushed her back inside the building. He needed to find his men.

_Spock_.

Keeping a firm grip on Laiha, Jim scanned the hall for his crew, but chaos had already broken out. The Peronians seemed to all be running in the same direction, helping and dragging each other along. They were a sea of red hair, and dust mixed with smoke was already thick in the air, pricking Jim's lungs as he breathed.

He whipped out his Communicator, needing to return to his ship as soon as possible. If the Taurians had attacked Peros with the Enterprise orbiting above it then it was almost certain that the Enterprise itself was under attack. Also, there was no way of fighting the Taurians from Peros.

Through one of the many windows Jim could make out one of the ships and suddenly Laiha was on top of him, all of her weight sending them both crashing to the ground at the same time as the phaserfire hit the bookshelf next to them with an earsplitting crunch.

Pain exploded in Jim's head, his vision turning blurry for a moment and he blinked rapidly. He reached upwards with a shaky hand, feeling sticky warmth on his temple, but Laiha was already tugging him upwards and Jim came back to his senses, springing to his feet.

They needed to keep moving.

It was only then that he became aware that his communicator was no longer in his hand. Looking around wildly, Jim scanned the ground, his vision swimming in and out of focus, only to find it shattered into pieces and half melted close to where the remains of the bookshelf were burning.

"Fuck", he cursed.

He needed to find his crew. Needed to find Spock.

_Please be safe_, Jim thought frantically as he tried to look for his First again, but to no avail. Fires were burning everywhere now and the hall was alight with phaserfire, things exploding at random every second.

"We need to get to the shelter!", Laiha told him loudly, trying to make herself heard over the sounds of war, "It is underground. We always safe there until they retreat."

Jim was about to protest, when yet another bookshelf exploded. They ducked reflexively, before trying to escape the next line of fire. Laiha dragged him forward with astounding strength and Jim was scanning the area strategically, trying to ignore the waves of dizziness.

Over half of the Peronians had already cleared out and Jim spotted Lahs as he frantically observed his people making their way to, what Jim now knew, was a shelter underground.

They were halfway there, when Jim saw more phaserfire come towards them almost in slow motion. It was going to hit Laiha straight on.

Unthinkingly, Jim threw himself in front of the Orion girl, his back connecting painfully with her front, making them both stumble back. A fact that saved Jim's life.

Instead of receiving the hit directly into his chest, the streak of light grazed his right side. It was as if someone had suddenly switched off the sound, the explosions and frantic shouting fading away into muffled nonsense.

Numbness crawled through him, spreading through his body rapidly as he tried to understand what had happened. His knees gave out from under him and he distantly heard Laiha yelling somewhere next to him.

Looking down, completely dazed, Jim saw that part of his uniform had been burned away along with a good portion of his flesh. The smell made bile rise in his throat and he fought the urge to vomit, already too busy choking on his own breath.

Red covered him, drenching his uniform and his hands. He must have touched the wound at some point, as if he needed to confirm it was really there.

Bones would kill him, Jim thought, his brain already fuzzy with blood loss.

His vision blurred further, losing the last of its focus. Black was creeping in from the corners of his eyes and Jim allowed his heavy lids to drop. His head fell back against something soft and there were hands on him, pressing into his side.

Jim's body jerked, protesting at the rough treatment that kept him aware for another painful moment.

Coldness was slowly spreading through him and the pain started to surface, fighting the blissful numbness. As the pain grew, his body finally gave in and his mind shut down as darkness swallowed him.

* * *

**end-notes: **first of all, pls don't kill me for the cliffy lol.

also, what i've been meaning to ask you: would you prefer my A/Ns at the end instead of the beginnings of chapters? i'm aware not everyone reads them, but for those who do what do you think?

as to the chapter:

again, i am aware that i have taken liberties. i hope that doesn't offend anyone and here is a list of some of my reasons. should you still have questions etc. after looking this over, feel free to ask!

**1)** Standard: i don't know what you think about it, but for me there has been some confusion about Federation Standard as a language and the use of Universal Translators. i did research on the topic and haven't really found anything useful. i know that TOS-Jim did use Universal Translators but that they weren't very developed yet. but seeing as STXI-Jim is younger and also judging by the dependance on ppl like Uhura they couldn't have been very well spread at that time. also considering that races who don't depend too much on technology (like here the Peronians) would prb prefer to learn another language for trading purposes.

**2)** The Peronians & Taurians: i created their little worlds in my mind and their background somehow developed along with their own culutre. i'm not going to bore you with any details, but if you feel like you are missing some in order to understand the plot better just ask. this, of course, also applies if you have some closer interest in them in general.

**3) **i completely disregarded the deleted scene where Jim 'apologises to the green girl'. i'm glad they cut it out, to be honest, because i really don't think that even though Jim is a womanizer he wouldn't recognise Gaila if she stood in front of him. also, in my storyline they were quite close friends before the whole 'sleeping together to get the Kobayashi Maru codes'.

**4) **Orions: i admit i have never really seen TOS (only some key-scenes (read K/S scenes lol) and all the TOS-movies) so i don't really know for sure how they were portrayed there. i did some research on the topic and as far as i can see, JJ Abrams took some liberties with Gaila as well so i don't feel all that guilty haha. so pls forgive me if Laiha's family connections seem strange.

**5)** Laiha: i know there are pretty mixed feelings about OCs and i'm not necessarily always a fan of them either, but in this case pls bare with me. she is an important plot device for the progress of the story. i really hope you don't find it too hard to like her!

okay i think that's it, i hope i haven't forgotten anything. i was really nervous posting this chapter, cause it's quite different than the others and an important turn in the storyline. so i hope you enjoyed it anyway!


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